What Colour Is My Life Today?
by Elphaba-Rose
Summary: Splinter's death was going to hit the Turtles one day, and hard. It was no secret however that Leonardo was closest to the old rat. Just what is he keeping from his brothers, and destroying himself in the process?
1. Grey Like The Cutting Blade

A.N: My last day of freedom before school tomorrow hehe. My cast's off and my foot really hurts but at least I'm walking, or rather limping lol. But anyway, I thought I'd try my hand at a longer angst story so far I've just started writing chapter four, and I know there's going to be more chapters than that so yayness! Originally it wasn't a Leo-centric, then it just went Leo-centric. o.0 Yeah I know lol, whoops. But I know most of you love a good Leo thingy (Just like me hehe) so I hope you enjoy this, even if it's not very good. Anywayz, sorry for the long note I'll shut up now.

Disclaimer: I do not own TMNT, sadly. Any poems that you may see, however, do belong to me, so yayness.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

What Colour Is My Life Today?

C1: Grey Like The Cutting Blade

Leonardo sighed as quietly as he could, his exhausted body making every protest it could against the expanding and shrinking of his chest. But he was used to the pain now, it was all he'd ever felt for the last year. He raised the chipped Snoopy mug to his lips and delicately sipped the steaming green liquid that resided in there. It scalded the tip of his tongue but despite that, he took a bigger gulp then set his mug down on the scrubbed oak table with a chink of porcelain on wood.

He tiredly rubbed his face, his two fingers and thumb furiously wiping the weariness away. But it wouldn't go away, it would never go. He'd love to go against routine and collapse into his warm, cushiony bed, but he had a whole day ahead of him, a whole eighteen hours before he would be allowed to sleep.

He shook his head. He didn't know why he was fantasising so much about going to sleep. He knew attempting to do so even when bedtime called would be futile. Sleep had abandoned him this past year. He was lucky if he got two hours of it a night. Thankfully the others slept well. Even if they didn't get any sleep, he'd knock them out himself just so they'd rest.

Leonardo drank more of his tea to rid his throat of the bubbling vomit that was cropping up. It didn't work. He looked down into the transparent green depths and saw reflected a face that did not shock him. He smiled grimly and gave a bitter, quiet laugh, hoping no one heard him. He knew they were still safely tucked up in their beds, sleeping the dawn away until it was time to rouse from their heavenly slumber.

He was looking into his own sapphire blue eyes, but they weren't the same blue he remembered. He thought back to when everything was ok, and knew his eyes were a bright, shining blue, young and happy, back then they were anyway. But now they were dull and lifeless and looked much older that his eighteen years. The purple circles under them reinforced this, along with his skin, which was no longer a healthy jade colour, but ill looking and waxy, a sickly colour. Thankfully his bandana, a similar shade to his usual eyes, hid the circles under them, and he was grateful for it.

He suddenly gave a very violent shiver and he realised he was terribly cold. In retaliation, he clutched the warm mug tighter and brought it near his face, hoping the heat radiating from its contents would bring him back some feeling. He considered switching on the heater but he knew the change in temperature might disturb the others' sleep.

He gave a yawn and ironed out his back muscles, receiving a few pops and clicks and cracks. He was starting to feel a little less sick now. It usually vanished after a couple of cups of tea anyway. He glanced up at his only company, the calmly ticking kitchen clock, and grumbled. It was only five past four am. He had almost three hours to burn.

That was one of the things he hated, lots of time with nothing to do. He considered going back in there and doing his thing for a couple of hours until the others woke up, but he'd only just come out after doing it for five hours straight. He'd learn not to overdo it. He didn't want to collapse again and have them suspicious.

He knew it was wrong, doing it in secret at night. He knew running for hours around the sewers was wrong. He knew hardly sleeping and eating was wrong. He knew almost everything he was doing was wrong. But he couldn't help it. He had been told to take care of himself as well as them many times, that he was no use exhausted and ill. But what if she threw up every time he ate? What if his sleep was plagued with horrific nightmares? What if everything else he tried to occupy himself with didn't work?

Leonardo was suddenly hit with an unexplainable but immensely strong smash of sorrow and soreness and shame. He dropped his mug and it well to the table in a clatter, landing on its side and spilling the green tea. It then rolled the length of the table, fell, and collided with the concrete floor with a hideous break.

He clutched his chest, trying to regain control over his pounding heart; it felt as if it had shattered along with the mug. He breathed heavily, great shuddering pants as he fought himself. He had not cried, not once, he couldn't start now. He needed to be strong for them. Big brother couldn't cry, big brother couldn't let them down; he had to be their shoulder to cry on, he couldn't have one himself.

His heart ceased to thump, resuming its usual pace steadily. He let his trembling hands rest and realised, as it dripped onto his leg, that he'd spilt his tea. He forced his legs to move and he started clearing it up with an old rag salvaged from the sink.

He scrubbed hard, the harsh material burning his hands with the intensity of the friction he created. He scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. He scrubbed until his palms were red raw and the rag was getting threadbare. Satisfied, he threw the rag down onto the table with a wet slop and knelt to pick up the pieces of his once favourite mug.

He gripped a piece of the broken drinks container a little too tightly and the shard dug into his already sore palm. The pain didn't faze him; in fact he welcomed it with open arms. He held his hand upto his eyes and watched the scarlet blood trickle down the crevices in his hand. His stomach churned unpleasantly and he took in a huge breath of air to calm his nerves. Then he listened intently for the sound of anything other than the steady rhythm of his heart or the ticking of the clock. It wouldn't do if one of his brothers heard him.

He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding as silence echoed all around the lair. Quaking, he cleaned up the rest of the broken porcelain and washed his bloody hand. He really needed a fix.

Once again he checked to see if anyone was awake and once again only hush screamed at him. Slowly, he made his way over to the cutlery drawer. Even slower he pulled it open, its mechanisms moaning and groaning. He took in another breath of air and let it out again before reaching out to take something.

He shut the drawer and returned to the table with his something, sitting shakily down. He laid it on the table and began to unwrap the brown support first from his left wrist and then his right. He was ambidextrous. All the while, he listened. He had been trained to sense even the slightest sound and the moment he heard something that indicated someone else was awake, it would be back in the drawer and he would be making another cup of tea, quick as a flash.

He smiled down at the cuts on both wrists, his comrades, his friends. This was the only place he could do it, the rest of his body was naked, fully visible to everyone. He liked them where they were anyway.

His hand surprisingly steady, he picked up the knife and laid it on his left wrist. He pierced one side of the flesh with the tip of the blade, and then dragged it to the other side, skimming through his skin as if it was made of butter. He watched the blood well up over the sides and down his pale green skin, feeling higher than ever. Then he did it twice more, feeling more and more elated each time he did it. Then he switched to his right.

This was his biggest, dirtiest, guiltiest secret. His brothers would flip if they knew. But it got him through the day. After wearing himself out complete with little food and sleep, harming himself was like a false shot of battle fever, the loss of blood giving him the adrenaline needed to last the day without passing out in front of his brothers. It was a small sacrifice to pay if it stopped them from getting hurt or worried or upset.

How he came about it was a total accident. He'd never thought about self harming before, he had been taught it helped no one and was only hurting, not helping. But not too long ago, only a couple of months, he'd worn himself out just as he had done right now, and during morning practice, he'd tripped with his swords and cut himself on his arm.

Of course it was just a nick and his brother cleaned it up straightaway but it was still a self-inflicted wound and it still gave him that little bit of a lift. So he tried to do it again in private that night, just another little nick, this time where it was less visible on his underarm. He felt it gave the same feeling as before, and he found that the more he hurt himself, the more false battle fever he had.

And by now he'd come to realise it didn't just give him much needed energy, it calmed him, much better than meditation. Meditation eased your soul; it generally doesn't help you get rid of any negative emotion like harming did. So combining the two, he was able to stay calm and alert through out the day. In a result of this, he couldn't understand why it was wrong. He knew it was, but he didn't know why.

Feeling far more awake than having a decent night's sleep, Leo crossed to the sink, taking the knife with him. He washed it thoroughly of blood then returned it to its rightful place. He cleaned his wrists and waited for the cuts to clot before wrapping them up with the supports again, they weren't blood proof.

He watched the last of the watery blood ooze down the sink before rinsing it out. His wrists stung a little, but he didn't mind. He looked up at the clock, four thirty. So much for burning time. He decided to meditate until seven. Clearing his mind was the only way of getting rid of the guilt swamping him, the mucky feeling of letting that someone down.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Donatello rose just a little before six. He glanced at the clock and grinned to himself. Perfect, now he could grab the shower before anyone else. Humming pleasantly to himself, he took up his towel and started the journey to the bathroom.

He had taken an early night last night instead of tinkering with his inventions until Daimyo knows what hour, and he was thankful for it. Early to bed, early to rise made a turtle healthy, wealthy and wise. Well, maybe not the wealthy part, but the others were true. He then vowed to go to bed early every night, or rather, when he had the chance.

He passed Mike's room and Raph's room and chuckled to himself as their loud snoring emanated through the doors, along with Mikey's 'Ladies, ladies, relax, there's enough Michelangelo to go around'. Donny shook his head and came to Leo's room. He wasn't surprised to see his door wide open and the bedroom empty. Don glanced around to check if anyone was around then ventured into his eldest brother's room.

It looked a lot fuller than it had been a year or so ago. Back then, there was hardly anything besides the bed, an old bookcase, a katana rack, a small table, a couple of meditating cushions, candles, incense and one small Japanese painting.

But now, it had more cushions, more paintings and tapestries, more weapons and displays, another bookcase, even a few well-cared Bonsai plants. And they were all Master Splinter's.

Donny shuddered. He didn't think he could live with all those things, and he wondered if Leo could too. The smartest turtle believed they should stay in their late master's room in respect, but Leo had transferred them to his only a week after his passing. No one argued with him, not even Raph. No one dared.

It was no secret how devoted Leo was to the old rat. They were all extremely close to him, but Leo was closest. Donny knew Leo had taken their father's death hard but had appeared to be uncaring just to be strong for them. He didn't think Raph and Mikey knew this, because if they did, they wouldn't yell at him for not mourning. But Donny also knew not mourning was terrible for oneself when one desperately needed to mourn. He had tried talking to Leo about it all year, but the eldest had continued to run, he would not face it. And Donny feared for him.

Donny made his way to Leo's bed and neatened up the bedcovers carelessly thrown aside. He frowned. The bed was freezing; meaning Leo had been up a long while. Don sighed and went for his shower, hoping his brother was ok.

Leo had been the only one to witness Splinter's death. Of course, they all had nightmares; all four of them, but only Leo's displayed the truth, the awful, gruesome truth. Leo had briefly told them what had happened, he had to. How could he not tell his brothers how their father had died? But he didn't tell them everything. And no one spoke of their nightmares, knowing Leo's were far worse.

Donny wanted to help. He knew Leo was getting better the wrong way, if there was a wrong way to get over the death of a loved one. He, Raph and Mikey were better. Of course they'd never get back to the same as it was before Splinter's death, but they were as 'normal' as they were going to get. Slowly but surely they were returning to their old selves.

At first Donny would spend the hours in his lab, inventing his thoughts away only to emerge for sleep, practice, emergency scuffles topside and a little food. Mikey would shut himself up in his rooms with his comics and video games, only coming out for the same reasons as Donny. Raph would mainly stay up topside, visiting Casey and relieving his stress up there. And Leo would be there when they wanted a talk or a cry, to make sure they ate and slept and that they were safe.

Now Donny and Mikey were out of their sanctuaries more, doing stuff together, and trying to involve Raph and Leo whenever they could. Even if they were all sat together just reading they were together, knowing they had to be together if they wanted to get through it. Raph stayed at home often to save Leo the extra worrying and whenever he did go out, Leo cut him a little more slack, knowing now his hothead of a brother would take care of things a little more rationally.

Yet Leo was not sinking back into himself. Yes he used to train a lot, but he would always do things with his brothers. He would always play video games with Mikey, would always give Donny a hand in the lab, and would always train a little with Raph. But he wouldn't do that anymore.

He would either isolate himself in his room or the dojo, appearing extremely reluctant to be with them. He'd promised Donny he ate and slept correctly but Donny wasn't so sure. He hardly came to mealtimes anymore. His appearance supported his theory for one thing.

Leo used to be slender built, extremely muscled but agile, with broad shoulders and strong limbs. But now, he had a gaunt frame, a sickening mixture of muscle and a too thin body. The weight had just dropped off him.

They'd all lost a little weight; it was to be expected; yet they were still a healthy size. But Leo just looked ill. And yet Donny couldn't understand where their elder brother got all his energy from if he was as poorly as he looked. He just kept on going, even if he'd spent all day working out. He wasn't like that before it happened. But now, no matter what he did, it was like he couldn't tire out, even if he looked ready to collapse.

Donny pondered this all the way through his shower. He pondered it over his morning cup of coffee. He pondered it, as he got ready for morning practice. He shook his head and yanked hard on his purple bandanna tails, tightening the knot. He took his beloved bostaff from its rack and made his way to the dojo, murmuring a 'good morning' to Mike and Raph, who were already argueing, this time over what to have for breakfast. Raph wanted waffles and Mike wanted fries with chocolate sauce.

They came to the training room door, half expecting to hear the sounds of furious katana swipes and irate yells, but there was nothing. Raph looked at Don and Don looked at Raph and they both looked at Mike, who looked as blank and as confused as they did. Raph shrugged and shoved the door open.

Leo was sat in deep meditation on one of the practice mats. Mike grinned goofily and made to bound over and snap him out of it but Donny laid a hand on his arm and shook his head. Raph approached their leader cautiously, wincing as his feet slapped the plastic. He bent in front of Leo's face and his own lit up in a small smile.

"He's jus' sleeping," He said, straightening up.

"Good. I bet he didn't get any last night," Donny mused, crouching next to the elder.

"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Mike frowned.

"I went into his room earlier. His bed was cold, he's been up a good while," Donny explained, leaning forwards.

"What are you doing?" Raph asked, aware Leo was usually a very light sleeper.

"Just having a look," Donny replied and very gently began to untie Leo's bandana. He gasped as it fell, revealing the spots under his eyes that were no longer green but purple.

"He looks like he's been punched," Mike observed dryly.

"Can it Mike," Raph growled as Don put Leo's mask in its rightful place.

"Raph, you're wrong," Don said quietly. Very softly and slowly, he began to unfold Leo's crossed legs to get him into a lying position, falling asleep cross-legged couldn't be good for your posture.

"Eh? About what?" Raph started to help; wondering why on earth Leo hadn't woke up yet. He really must be tired.

"About Leo mourning Sensei, he is mourning," Donny answered quietly, easing Leo's torso down tenderly. Still he slept on.

"Dude, the guy ain't cried once!" Mike chipped in, kneeling beside them.

"Crying isn't the only method of mourning Mikey," Donny corrected, lifting his brother's katana sheathes from his shell before he hit the comfort of the mat.

"Then how is he mourning? And ain't it a bit late?" Raph slipped an arm under Leo's neck and his knees, hefting him up bridal style. His eyes widened in shock. "Here Don, tell me that's normal," He pleaded, handing his brother over with little effort. Don gasped.

"What?" Mike demanded worriedly.

"It's like he's almost weightless, I can feel every bone in his body," Don murmured in awe.

"Tell us that's ok Don, please!" Mikey sensed the urgency in Raphael's voice.

"Don't be silly Raph, of course it's not ok. This is his method of mourning, refusing to eat or sleep; training until Daimyo knows what hour. It's a bad way to mourn, because eventually it will lead to your own death," Donny whispered gravely. He began the trek to Leo's room, his arms trembling, definitely not from the weight they carried. Mike and Raph followed.

"But Leo knows that right? I mean Master Splinter taught us to accept stuff the right way, right?" Mikey asked frantically as Leo was laid to rest in his bed. Donny pulled the covers over him and tenderly tucked him in.

"Right Mikey, but sometimes the bad, and easy, ways seem to help far more than the good, or hard, solutions," He replied.

"So you're sayin' Leo knows it's wrong, but he's doin' it 'cause it seems to help him?" Raph thought out loud. Don nodded. "Well that's one of the biggest loadsa bullshit I have ever heard in my life!" Raph growled menacingly, stalking the room angrily, giving everything that previously belonged to Splinter a harsh glare.

"Raph!" Mikey cried, scandalised.

"No Mikey. Leo never does the wrong thing, wither it helps more or not. There has to be another reason!" Raph supposed.

"I see your point Raph. But we'll just have to wait until he wakes u and talk to him. And I'll make sure he talks this time," Donny sighed.

"But Don, even if we _do _talk to him, will he get better?" Mikey wondered quietly, dreading the answer.

"I hope so Mike, I hope so," Was the reply.

To Be Continued

A.N: Owie, numb bum and my ankle hurts lol. Oh well, least I got it typed up. Hope it passes! Please r and r and tell me what you think! Keep it real and take care guys, love ya!


	2. Black Like The Looming Darkness

A.N: Thanks for all the great reviews guys; you really mean shell of a lot to me. Just to clear a something up what a reviewer asked about, and I'm not replying individually to you so I'm not breaking any reviews hehe. I did put a typo in there about nine paragraphs down lol, I called Leo a 'she' by accident lol bless him. But of course he's not a she so sorry about that. And if ya want a disclaimer, check out chapter one.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

C2: Black Like The Looming Darkness

Leo looked around him and cursed with more fervour and passion than he had ever cursed with before. He blinked the grogginess fully away from his still tired eyes and stretched, smoothing out all the kinks in his back and shoulders. One would think he would feel refreshed, but he felt far from it. He felt exhausted and ill and upset. Maybe all that false adrenalin was coming back to bite him in the ass? He shook his head, nope, he seriously doubted that.

He frowned, not recalling going to bed at all. In fact, the last thing he remembered was settling down for a little meditation before morning practice. He glanced hurriedly at his clock and swore under his breath in Japanese. Ten fifteen p.m. He'd slept for around eighteen hours, he'd thrown away an entire day!

And his brothers must've found him and put him to bed. That was the last thing he wanted. He hastily tried to come u with some excuse for being so tired he fell asleep in the middle of the dojo, but it made his head bang like some huge deafening drum, so he stopped. He'd just say he'd felt rather hot last night and wasn't able to sleep. That should work.

Leo sighed heavily, letting the breath out slowly, and slumped back, resting his aching head on the wall. He suddenly shivered and he realised how cold he was. He drew his covers up to his chin and wrapped them tightly around himself. They did little to help. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his headache through sheer willpower but his headache, obviously, had other plans. Dare he venture out for some aspirin?

He didn't want any questions though. And Raph and Mikey were bound to still be up. Donny too possibly but Leo had finally convinced the brainiest turtle to start going to bed early. Now, if only he could persuade Mikey and Raph…wait what was he thinking?

Leo groaned and threw the covers off himself. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Chills ran up and down his body in a result of his flesh being exposed to the cold. But he was going to get that aspirin whether Mike and Raph were or not. He felt the goose pimples rise and forcefully rubbed his arms before standing up.

He swayed and hurriedly rested his weight upon the wall to steady himself. He breathed deeply as he grew dizzier and dizzier. He hadn't felt like this since he was ambushed by the Foot back when he was fifteen. Daimyo that seemed such a long time ago. It was only three years.

But a lot had happened in those three years. The appearance of Shredder, meeting April and Casey, Leo getting ambushed, finding out the Shredder was an Utrom, getting mixed up in huge gang wars, the Battle Nexus Tournament, fighting the Shredder again and again, Don getting seriously injured during one of his experiments, April and Casey getting married, the death of Master Splinter and most recently, their first Christmas without him.

And soon it was to be their first birthday without him. They would be celebrating the day he found them without him, the seventeenth of May. Leo wasn't sure if he could do it, he'd barely survived Christmas.

-Flashback-

**Leo steeled himself for the job he was about to do. But it wasn't his job; it was Master Splinter's. But Master Splinter wasn't here to do it, so Leo took it upon himself to wake his brothers on Christmas morning. And he was dreading it. He didn't want them thinking he was trying to be their father; nothing could be farther from the truth. **

**He sighed and paced his room. He wasn't feeling the Christmas joy, not one bit. No, he was feeling guilty, and hurt, and hatred, all the things you shouldn't feel on such a day. He knew today was going to be very long and very painful. The sooner it started, the sooner it finished.**

**Yesterday had been hard enough. It was tradition to sit around the fire with a mug of creamy cocoa chatting pleasantly and singing along with the radio. But there had been none of that. They had their merry fire and their cocoa but there was no pleasant chatting and laughing and no singing. There was only silence and the odd tears from Mikey, Don and Raph. But not Leo. **

**And Leo knew there were more tears to come. But they had to do this. After this, it would only get easier, hopefully. But he had to get a move on, it was nine a.m already, and April and Casey were coming at eleven for the day. **

**Leo finally stepped out of his room and, shaking terribly, he made his way to Michelangelo's room; he was the hardest to wake and took the longest getting ready. As quietly as he could, he opened the youngest turtle's door and entered. **

**He smiled fondly at the sight of Mikey sprawled haphazardly on the bed, snoring his head off. He sidestepped the Lego and the comics and the PS2 and the old remnants of pizza crusts to reach the bed. He gently lowered his weight to sit down and reached out to caress his baby brother's forehead. **

"**Mikey, wake up, Mikey," He called softly, rubbing his head tenderly. **

**Mikey dragged himself out of his peaceful slumber with a groggy groan. He didn't realise the thing on his head was not a warm, weathered claw, but a cold, chapped hand. **

"**Master Splinter?" He mumbled sleepily, without opening his eyes. Leo quickly caught himself.**

"**No Mike, it's Leo," He corrected quietly.**

"**Leo?" Mike opened his sparkly, youthful emerald pools, smiled slightly at his brother then frowned. "Where's Sensei?" He asked. Then he saw Leo's face fall into a mixture of pain and grief. Mike suddenly sat up as he remembered. He hung his head and took the hand that woke him. "I, I'm sorry Leo, I dreamt it was him coming to wake me," He admitted. Leo squeezed his hand. **

"**I know Mikey, this is going to be a tough day for us all," Leo murmured. Mike's face brightened a little. **

"**He's here though, isn't he Leo? He's watchin' us right now, isn't he?" He grinned into Leo's weary eyes. **

"**If that gives you comfort Mike, then yes, he is," Leo smiled sadly. Mikey frowned again.**

"**What do you mean? Don't you think he is?" He wondered.**

"**Merry Christmas Michelangelo," Leo leant to give him a kiss on the forehead then left a very confused turtle to wake up another.**

**Leo shut the door then journeyed to Raph's room. Surprisingly, Raph wasn't snoring. Leo frowned thoughtfully and stepped inside to see Raph lounging on top if his bed, fully awake, and by the look of it, deep in thought. When Leo came in, he looked up and cleared a space for him on the bed. Leo took it. **

"**I thought you'd come waking us up," Raph stated calmly whilst Leo took his seat. **

"**Don't start Raph, I'm not-"**

"**I know you're not trying to be him," Raph interrupted softly.**

"**Oh," Leo hung his head, ashamed. Raph couldn't get pleased at proving him wrong. **

"**It's come too soon," He sighed.**

"**I know. I thought, hoped, that we would have years with him, although I always knew we wouldn't have him one day," Leo agreed, not daring to look into Raph's chocolate eyes. **

"**Since when?" Raph pondered, watching him closely.**

"**Since he began my leadership tutoring. To teach someone how to take care of others as if their life depended on it surely must mean the teacher won't be around forever," Leo replied quietly to his hands.**

"**He was so happy at our eighteenth. Do you think he knew what was going to happen a month later?" Raph posed peacefully to the eldest. Leo simply reached out and squeezed his brother's shoulder.**

"**I have to go wake Donny. Merry Christmas Raphael," He smiled and went on his way before a now suspicious Raph could ask any more questions.**

**Leo sighed and rubbed his temples tiredly. He could really go for a nice steaming mug of tea right this moment. He always made a pot of tea every Christmas morning so that was ok. All he needed to do was wake up Donny then he could go make some. **

**He moved into Don's room noiselessly because when he opened the door, he saw the genius curled up in his bed and sleeping soundly. Leo sat on the bed and watched his plastron rise and fall gently before softly seizing and shaking his shoulder. Thankfully Donny didn't murmur a greeting until he was sat up, stretched and wholly awake. **

"**Morning Leo, how are ya bro?" He yawned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. **

"**I'm fine, you?" Leo smiled, hoping to Daimyo he didn't look how he felt.**

"**Goo – Leo how long have you been up?" Don asked frantically. Leo mentally cursed. **

"**Only about fifteen minutes," Leo lied. Donny shot him a sceptic look, clearly not believing him. However, he didn't question further, just sighed. **

"**Can you believe it is our first Christmas alone?" He mused sorrowfully. Leo shook his head. **

"**No, Raph said the same thing," He answered, peering almost shyly into Donny's hazel orbs. **

"**How is he? Is he…upset?" Don asked, faltering a little. He tried to hide it but Leo could have detected it a mile off.**

"**Not upset exactly, but he seemed sad," He explained as best he could. Don nodded.**

"**And…and Mikey?" His voice broke this time and Leo knew he was trying not to cry.**

"**Mikey dreamt he was coming to wake him up. He believes Sensei is watching over us so no, he's not upset," The eldest murmured. **

"**I'm sorry Leo, I just want him to walk through that door and tell us to stop being lazy and get out of bed," Don unexpectedly began to weep into his hands. Leo sighed and drew him into his arms, rubbing his shell whilst he sobbed into his shoulder. **

"**I know, I know," Leo was tempted to add on a 'So do I'. **

**He held his brother until he had calmed down and his crying had been reduced to sniffles. Then Leo tenderly wiped Don's sore eyes with a tissue from the box on the bedside table. Then Donny apologised, hanging his head. **

"**There's no need to say sorry Don," Leo declared serenely.**

"**I know, I just, I miss him so much," Don sighed, dabbing at his eyes. He looked at Leo. "Do _you _miss him?" He asked quietly. Much to his surprise, Leo merely smiled. **

"**Merry Christmas Donatello," Was all he said before leaving a very shocked Donny to stare at his retreating shell in bewilderment.**

**Leo groaned lightly and leant against Don's closed door. He clenched his eyes as shut as they would allow, therefore banishing the saltwater before it could spill out all down his cheeks. They burned but still he did not open them. He forbade himself to cry. **

**The truth was, Leo _did_ miss him, how could he not? He was their father. He missed everything about him, his calm, controlled nature, his ancient Japanese proverbs, his love of Bonsai trees and ice cream. He even missed him pushing him to the extreme; no one could push you harder than your sensei. **

**And in answer to Raph's question, Leo thought Splinter knew he was going to die. Why else did the rat tell the eldest turtle to take care of his brothers 'til the end no matter what the night before it happened? But how did he know? That was the real question. **

**And Mikey's? Leo truly believed Master Splinter was watching them, looking out from the shadows. He was taking care of Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael, but not Leonardo. Leo knew he probably needed protecting the most himself, he was so weak. But he had let them down so many times. Guardians never cared for the unreliable weak. **

**Leo let out a shuddering breath and proceeded to the kitchen, his emotions well in check. He stood stock-still and stared at the sight of Raphael at the stove, making porridge in a big pot. That used to be Splinter's job.**

"**I thought rather me than you, we don't want the kitchen blowing up," Raph shrugged carelessly. Then he caught, and understood, Leo's look. "I know, but someone has to do it," He reasoned softly. Leo nodded and got set on making the tea he desperately craved. **

"**Thanks," He mumbled, taking out four mugs, one blue, one red, one purple and one orange. **

"**Why did you avoid my question earlier?" Raph asked. Meanwhile, Leo set the table whilst he waited the kettle to boil. **

"**Ask no questions get no lies," Leo said without looking at him. Raph harrumphed and returned to the porridge. **

"**Merry Christmas guys," Donny smiled, coming into the kitchen. His eyes were still red. **

"**Merry Christmas Don," The other two chorused. As soon as Don sat down Leo laid a mug of tea in front of him and Raph began dolloping porridge into his bowl. It wasn't long before Mike showed up.**

"**Merry Christmas bros," He chirruped cheerfully. **

"**Merry Christmas Mike," The others said in unison. **

**Breakfast was a silent affair. They often shot the empty chair at the head of the table a look when the others weren't watching. They were all wishing him to be there, eating breakfast with them. Mikey, being one who constantly craved social interaction, couldn't take it any longer and burst into tears, instantly breaking the awkward silence.**

**Raph and Donny looked on sadly as Leo held him. He clung to his eldest brother's shell, crying into his chest. Leo stroked the nape of his neck and whispered in his ear, making him shiver a little. **

"**It's ok Mike, he's here, watching, just like you said he is," Leo soothed.**

"**But you don't think he is," Mikey protested, sniffling. Leo was aware of Raph and Donny's eyes on him there. **

"**Of course I do Mike, of course I do," He mumbled.**

"**Then why didn't you say so?" Mike withdrew, rubbing furiously at his eyes. Leo blushed.**

"**I thought the answer was obvious," He shrugged. "If it wasn't, I apologise," It was a good lie. **

"**It's ok Leo," Mike smiled. Leo just nodded.**

"**If everyone's done, maybe we should go into the main room," Donny ventured. It was a quiet suggestion albeit a sensible one. They'd hardly touched their breakfast. **

**Without a word, Raph began collecting their dishes. Leo made to help but Don laid a hand on his arm after seeing how much he was shaking. Once all the pots were in the sink, they took up their half full mugs and filed into the main room.**

**They all stood and stared at the Christmas tree in the middle of the room. Each year they took it in turns to dress it in their respective colours, red and gold (Raph), purple and silver (Donny), orange and gold (Mikey) and blue and silver (Leo). This year had been Leo's turn but he insisted on decorating it in _all _the colours. They clashed a little but they symbolised the family, and that was exactly how Leo wanted it.**

**Leo shivered and Donny had enough sense to light a fire. Raph bent and switched the lights on to the tree, their faces glowing many colours as they brightened the room. Only Mikey gave a happy gasp, his tears forgotten. They did what they usually did, sit in a circle with their tea afore the fire.**

**They looked uneasily around at each other, who was going to do Splinter's job? Who was going to pick a present one by one and pass it to its owner? Simultaneously, Raph, Don and Mikey looked at Leo with pleading eyes. Leo held them for a second then quickly looked away. He couldn't, he didn't feel worthy enough. But he had to, his brothers wanted him to. Gingerly, he took a parcel. **

**And he handed it straight to Mike. He knew whose gifts were whose. And he knew which gifts to leave until last, the ones he found in Splinter's room, addressed to them from him. They did their Christmas shopping in January, when it was cheaper. **

**An hour later, Mike held his fifth and final present in trembling hands. He just stared at the nametag, written in Splinter's neat calligraphy. **

"**Open it Mike," Raph ordered softly. Mike nodded.**

**Ever so slowly, he began to unwrap the parcel. The shiny orange paper fell away to reveal a white rectangular box and a picture frame. Shaking, he rested his eyes on the picture.**

**It had an orange frame, a couple of inches thick, A4 sized. The picture inside was a blazing sunset. Mike had always liked sunsets, having not seen many in his lifetime. Written near the top in black print was 'Michelangelo', and at the bottom in the same simple print 'Angel Michael'. Underneath that, in their Sensei's handwriting was 'Be your own angel, and guide yourself.' Eyes stinging something chronic once more, he placed down the picture and turned to the box.**

**He lifted the lid and gently pulled out a handmade plushie, of himself! It was a grinning turtle with emerald eyes and complete with an orange bandana! Laughing, his eyes streaming, he fingered the tiny nunchucks sewn to the belt. He cuddled it close, basking in its smell, strawberries and Splinter's fur, his two most favourite scents in the world. He then watched as Leo passed Donny his present.**

**Don's frame was purple, with a picture a soothing beach, lulling waves and calm sands. At the top was 'Donatello' with 'Pet form of Donato, meaning given' at the bottom. And from Splinter? 'Be your own giver, and receive yourself'. Don held his plushie (With hazel eyes, a purple bandana and mini bostaff of course) close, breathing in the scent of Splinter's fur and violets. **

**Raph's frame was red and boasting a picture a single red rose. Raph had told no one his favourite flowers were red roses, but somehow Splinter knew. 'Raphael' graced the top whilst 'God has healed' ran along the bottom. Splinter had added 'Be your own god, and heal yourself'. His plushie was his own due to chocolate eyes, a red bandana and two plastic sais. (The nunchucks and bostaff were made of wood.) Raph drew in the smell of Splinter's fur and vanilla when he buried his head into its little shoulder.**

**Leo gripped his gift hard to stop his hands from visibly trembling. He didn't want to open it, didn't want to see what proverb in relation to his name he had been left with. He knew what his name meant, and he didn't feel loyal or brave or any of that at the moment, only treacherous and scared. But he couldn't let his brothers know that, he had to be strong. They were expecting him to open it.**

**His throat extremely tight, he slowly tore off the blue paper, already knowing what he would find. He picked up the blue frame and clutched it so hard his knuckles turned white. He glared at the still image of blue candles, their flames flickering in the looming darkness. The writing was in white, so it would stand out against the black. **

"**What does it say Leo?" Donny endeavoured almost inaudibly. Leo took in a breath of air to pacify his screaming heart.**

"**It says 'Leonardo, like a lion'. Then Sensei put 'Be…be your own lion and lead your own life'," His voice rang out clearly in the quietness over the fire. His brothers didn't notice it but he cursed himself a thousand times over for the one little break in his voice. **

"**What's your plushie like Leo?" Mike questioned softly, still cuddling his own.**

**Leo took it out of the box and almost shivered. Almost. Blue eyes looked up at him through a blue bandana and it had a shy smile. Leo's fingers ran across its plastic blades then over the stitching. Splinter had made these with his own hands. Leo sniffed without bringing the thing anywhere near his face. Splinter's fur and cinnamon. He loved those smells but he wouldn't cuddle it, not in front of them.**

**He looked up to see everyone crying into their toys. Mike was leaning on Donny; his head snuggled in his shoulder and the mini Mikey. Don, in turn, had his cheek against the top of Mike's head, crying, clutching the mini Don. Raph didn't bother hiding his tears for once. He simply glared at the mini Raph, his tears plopping down on to its cushy face. Leo cast the mini Leo aside, not even giving it another look. He swept his brother into his arms and Raph instantly dropped his toy to cling to Leo's shell, weeping into his plastron.**

**Leo held him, murmuring 'It's ok guys, it's ok,' But he didn't shed one tear. He could never cry in front of them.**

**-Flashback To Be Continued-**

A.N: Wow end of chapter two, I hope you all liked it! Please drop a line and tell me what you thought. Cheers and take care!


	3. Grey Like My Shattered Glass Walls

A.N: Ah sorry this update is a day late, I'm trying to update every Thursday if you haven't noticed by now. Last week it was a day early, this week it was a day late, figures. Thanks for all the feedback guys, you're great, really you are! I hope you enjoy this chapter and please tell me what you think!

What Colour Is My Life Today?  
Chapter Three

As Grey As My Shattered Glass Walls

**-Flashback Continued-**

**The doorbell rang loud throughout the lair. None of them moved for a few seconds, content with holding each other. Then Leo kissed Raph on the forehead gently and got up to answer the door. He glanced at the clock as he passed it. Yup, it would be April and Casey. Fixing a smile on his face, he opened the wooden contraption.**

**Leo barely had time to acknowledge them before a pregnant April leapt on him and enveloped, or rather squashed, him in a bone-crushing hug. Casey struggled not to smirk as Leo flailed, attempting to breathe with his head mushed against her shoulder.**

"**Uh, April, ya might wanna stop glompin' Leo, he kinda can't breathe," Casey said with a muffled chuckle.**

"**Whoops! Sorry Leo," April let go with an apologetic grin. Leo just smiled tiredly, resisting the urge to massage his afflicted limbs.**

"**That's ok April, how are ya?" He asked, eyeing her. She certainly looked well, beaming with rosy cheeks, glowing a maternal glow you only seem to get when you're in the family way.**

"**I'm good, how about you? You look shattered," She said sympathetically, holding his face.**

"**I'm fine April," Leo reassured her, although he certainly didn't feel fine. Her hands dropped from his cheeks and her smile lessened a little. **

"**What about the others, how are they?" She questioned quietly. **

"**They're ok, a little tearful at the moment, but ok. We just opened the gifts Master Splinter left us," Leo explained, just as inaudibly. April nodded, understanding.**

"**Thank you all for the baby stuff, you didn't have to," She smiled.**

"**Trust me April, we did," And Leo left it at that. "Why don't you go on through? I'll bring us drinks. Pineapple juice for you, right April? And Casey, you'll be wanting a beer right?" Leo waited for their approval before moving off to the kitchen.**

**He inwardly winced as he heard Casey murmur very quietly to April 'He's nowhere near fine, is he?' and April's reply of 'Of course he isn't Casey, he won't be for a long time.' Leo cursed and turned to the cupboards. If even Casey was noticing things, he was in big trouble. **

**He took a glass out for April's juice and hurriedly set it down before he broke it. He glared at the can of alcohol he clutched after sorting out the juice. They only stocked the stuff for Casey. No one in the lair would touch the stuff, not even Raph. They all thought it was disgusting. They had had alco-pops the odd time but never had more than two bottles max. They didn't dare. Master Splinter had always said alcohol could turn even the most respectable people into mindless idiots. **

**Mind somewhere else; Leo took the drinks into the main room. Donny and Casey were inspecting the wall above the hearth and April, Raph and Mikey were clearing up the torn wrapping paper everywhere. Leo mentally smiled to see his brothers chatting and cheering up. They'd just needed a moment, that was all.**

"**Dinner smells good Mike," Leo beamed at his youngest brother whilst he handed their guests their drinks. It was all Mike needed to get rid of those dull eyes and crack into a huge, true, grin.**

"**Thanks Leo," He beamed.**

"**Anyone else want a drink while I'm up?" Leo wondered, taking up the black bin liner Raph offered him to dispose of. **

"**D'ya mind if I have some juice Leo?" Don asked apologetically from the fire.**

"'**Course I don't mind, what juice? And can you pass me your mug please?" Leo indicated the purple mug on the fireside. **

"**Apple please," Don obeyed. Leo nodded and journeyed to the kitchen once more, this time juggling a bag of trash and four mugs. **

**He deposited the mugs in the sink full of dishes he'd wash in a moment and forced the bag in the bin. He rubbed his tired eyes and in the meantime causing his head to throb more. He shook it then began to rummage around in the cupboard for another glass. He moved an old Power Rangers mug aside (Used to be Mikey's when he was little) and came across not just a clean glass but also a particular mug.**

**Splinter's mug. Absent-mindedly, Leo took the glass and just stared at the mug. He recalled having his first sip of tea from that mug, being fed soup from it when he was sick, making tea in it for Splinter. But most of all, he remembered finding it in the sewers with his brothers and presenting it to him as a father's gift when they were eight, a slightly chipped but perfectly ok mug with scenes of ancient Japan and Samurai painted on the sides.**

**Leo dropped the glass with an awful noise as it hit the tiled floor. Glass shards instantly scattered everywhere. His heart leapt in his throat and feeling unbelievably sick, he fell to his knees and instantaneously began to pick up the pieces, not realising how hard he gripped the stuff. He'd lost control! A good ninja never lost it. They're always calm and collected. He scrambled to retrieve the glass, tearing his fingers and palms.**

"**Leo?"**

**Leo jumped almost out of his shell but recognised the voice and fought to clear up the glass quicker, his hands turning red. Raph hurriedly knelt beside him.**

"**Whoa, whoa, whoa. Leo, stop, it's ok," The red turtle had to seize his hands to force him to stop.**

"**The glass! I need to pick it up before someone hurts themselves," Leo said frantically, struggling. **

"**Leo, it's ok, I'll get the glass. You just go in there and get Donny to look at your hands," Raph ordered gently, tightening his grip.**

"**But Don's juice, and the dishes!" Leo protested.**

"**I'll do them, alright? Now get your shell in there and calm down!" Raph was getting a tad irritated now.**

"**But-"**

"**No buts, get in there!" He interrupted, growling.**

**Leo silently obeyed, head hung in shame. He hid his hands though. He didn't want to ruin the day. So he never exposed his palms and sat with April and Mike after telling Don where his juice was. Don, immediately suspicious, went off to the kitchen.**

"**So how long do you have left?" Leo vaguely heard Mikey ask. His hands were stinging. **

"**About three months," Leo answered gleefully. **

"**Betcha can't wait!"**

**Leo barely heard the conversation. His eyes were on Casey examining the wall still, but his mind wasn't. He still couldn't understand why he lost control like that. It was just a mug, a silly little mug. How could it have so much impact on him? He could handle all the things he took from Splinter's room, so why not the mug?**

**But in truth, he couldn't handle those belongings. He despised them. Everywhere he turned they reminded him of how much he'd failed. And that was the reason he couldn't take them down. He needed to be reminded, that way he could never make the same mistake again. He could never make up for the first, but he could stop a repeat from happening. He would not murder another. **

"**Leo, give me your hands," A voice demanded. **

"**Wha?" Leo snapped out of his thoughts and looked up at Don, who was holding his hands out expectedly, looking a mixture of sympathy and peeved-offedness. **

"**Gimme your damn hands Leo!" And Leo did as he was told, seeing as Donny was in a mood not to be defied.**

**Slowly he unfolded his arms, revealing his torn palms and the blood smeared all over his plastron where he hid them. Donny clicked his tongue irritably and knelt down, opening his bottle of antiseptic fluid and drowning a cloth with it. He began to wipe Leo's hands mercilessly, muttering to himself as he worked. **

"**Stupid, you're supposed to be smart…grumble, grumble…could've got infected…grumble, grumble…might've had glass stuck…grumble, grumble…"**

"**It was just a couple of cuts Donny," Leo murmured softly.**

"**A couple of cuts that could easily go septic. You cut yourself, you come to me, understand?" Don snapped then went to put his stuff away before Leo could answer.**

"**Hey Mike, mind if you hold these nails for me?" Casey asked, a little louder than needed. **

"**Sure thing Case-Man!" Mikey chuckled, bounding over to the fireplace.**

"**Those plushies are really nice Leo," April said in an undertone, indicating them all sat in Splinter's old armchair. They all looked quite cute actually. **

"**Yeah. April, do you think you could do me a favour?" Leo had had a sudden inspiration.**

"**Sure Leo, anything," She agreed.**

"**Well, could you get me, if I gave you the money of course, could you get some stuff so I could make one? For our birthday next year?" He questioned.**

"**Make one of what, Leo?" April wondered softly.**

"**A plushie, of Master Splinter," Leo replied in the same tone.**

"**Wow Leo, of course I'll get them for you," She smiled, wrapping a sisterly arm around his shoulders.**

"**Don't tell the others, ok?" And he made her promise.**

**The rest of the day was uneventful unless you count hanging their picture frames on the wall above the hearth (That was why Casey and Donny had been closely inspecting it) and of course dinner. April and Casey went home around ten, with April reassuring Leo she'd have his things by the end of the week so he could get started right away.**

**Leo had found it harder and harder to cope throughout the day. The urge to scream and sob and smash up everything in sight just to get rid of the pain and guilt grew stronger and stronger. Often he had to dash to the bathroom to sort himself out. He didn't eat much of his dinner, even though Mikey was the best chef he knew. **

**Don, Mikey and even Raph took their plushies to bed with them that night. But not Leo. He already had enough reminders, he didn't need another. Yet he loved that thing as much as he hated it. So he gave it a swift snuggle when no one was looking before pretending to go to bed. He would be training of course as soon as they were all asleep. He left the mini-Leo on the hearth, shot it a last glance then went off towards his room.**

"**Merry Christmas Master Splinter," And he switched off the living room light.**

**That night, his first poem was born. It wasn't particularly brilliant and it didn't help much, but it explained a few feelings. **

Lonely 

_**L is for the love I'll never have,**_

_**O is for the only emotion I feel,**_

_**N is for the noose I can't have,**_

_**E is for the everlasting pain,**_

_**L is for the light I'll never see,**_

_**Y is the yearning of a forgotten freedom.**_

**-End Flashback-**

And so, just three months later, Leo had almost finished that plushie. He was halfway through its kimono but the actual toy was done, and he was more than proud of it. It was the beginning of April, and he had until the middle of May to finish it.

Speaking of April, her baby was due any day now. But she didn't want to give birth at the hospital, she wanted it at home. One thing was for sure though, Casey was no midwife. So Donny was round there regularly, something Mike found gross, but there was no doctor April trusted more than Donny.

Leo shook himself out of the memory, his head just a little clearer and his balance a little steadier. Feeling confident, he slowly started his trek into the kitchen. Sure enough, sounds of a loud Western were emerging from the living room, along with Mikey and Raph yelling at the TV.

Smiling a little fondly, Leo entered the kitchen and began to search for aspirin. He quickly found some and took a couple before it got worse. He didn't realise how cold he was, in fact he suddenly felt quite hot. But he did realise he was going to throw up.

Raph and Mikey looked at each other in confusion as they heard someone retching in the kitchen, overpowering the sound of the movie. Then they understand. 'Leo' Raph mouthed and Mike nodded. They scrambled over the back of the sofa and towards the kitchen to see Leo indeed throwing up into the sink. His knuckles looked as if they'd burst he gripped the counter so hard.

"You ok bro?" Mikey asked hesitantly.

Raph plodded to the sink and held Leo's head gently whilst the eldest rejected everything he had eaten in the past two days, not a lot. Raph indicated to Mikey to switch on the kettle for some tea whilst in the meantime, he stroked the nape of Leo's neck as he vomited, just like Leo had done the last time Raph had been ill a few weeks ago. It only took a couple of minutes for Leo to finish, eyes closed, gasping for breath.

"I think you're gonna be ill for a few days bruv," Raph said gently, handing him a sheet of kitchen tissue. Leo furiously wiped his mouth.

"Don't be stupid Raphael, I probably just ate something funny yesterday," He snapped over the whistling of the kettle in a result of the water boiling.

"I'm not being stupid, you are," Raph grunted, starting to rinse out the sink.

"I'm not sick, I don't get sick. I haven't been sick since we were ten," Leo continued to protest, which only ticked Raph off more.

"Then it's high time you were. Now si'down," A steaming Raph forcefully steered a steaming Leo into a seat where a not-steaming Mike put a steaming mug of tea in front of him.

"I'm not sick," Leo repeated stubbornly, but took the tea all the same.

"Yes you are now shaddap. Mike go turn the TV off," Raph ordered ruthlessly. Mikey rapidly complied, tell me someone who wouldn't. "Alright Leo, care to tell me why you were so tired you conked out in the middle of the dojo?" Raph glared at his brother, who was staring moodily and broodingly into his tea.

"No," Leo answered shortly.

"Why?" Raph growled.

"'Cause it was hot last night and I couldn't get any sleep," Leo replied calmly.

"Bullshit. I didn't know there was an ask no questions get no lies policy here," Raph huffed.

"Isn't there always?" Leo shrugged, drinking his tea.

"Nope. Sometimes I ask ya, and sometimes ya tell the truth," Raph countered as Mike came back in and headed straight for the fridge.

"And this is a time where you either get lies or no reply at all, ok?" Leo tried to keep that cool demeanour but inside he was overflowing with emotion.

"Why?" Raph said again, ignoring Mike who sat by them with a can of cola.

The mere smell of it made Leo want to throw up again.

"If you must know Raphael, I don't know, alright? I don't know why I fell asleep, ok?" Leo snapped, scowling at his tea.

"Well I can think of a few reasons," Raph put in calmly. Mike pulled a face in confusion. Had Leo just snapped? Had Raph just been calm? Had his bros switched places without him knowing? However he couldn't be bothered to work it out so he just stuck to guzzling his coke.

"Well I don't wanna hear 'em," Leo knew very well what his reasons would be and he most definitely didn't want to hear them.

"Fair enough. Mike, do we have some noodles left?" Raph asked, climbing to his feet.

"Uh yeah, they're in the stove," Mike replied, caught totally unawares by this question. Leo ignored it and Raph as he started warming said food up.

Leo looked through the other door to see the toys on the hearth and the frames on the wall above. Leo's had never left it's place since Christmas but the others were down from time to time, particularly when one was upset, usually little Mike. Leo vowed never to touch his in front of the others, let alone take it to bed with him. But it earned a tiny stroke late at night sometimes.

His eyes were drawn to the picture frames. The things Master Splinter had written sounded so much like him, and by now he'd figured what they all meant. Raph's meant heal his anger and rashness, which he was very slowly starting to do, and trying very hard at it, but Leo knew Raph would always have a huge temper no matter what.

Mikey's meant stop trying to be like his brothers and pick his own path in life. The youngest often had copied the others, trying to be a tad rebellious, or attempting to read everything in sight or even train when it wasn't necessary, which of course, wasn't Mike. But he was now realising he'd already found Michelangelo, he was a jokester, a peace maker and a lover of games and comics and that wasn't going to change.

Donny's was a hard one. 'Be your own giver and receive yourself', what on earth could that mean? But Leo had figured it out. It almost meant it is better to give than receive. Donny usually spent a lot of time in his laboratory, not _giving _himself to his brothers, I.E company, but as Don started to spend more time with them he was beginning to realise the longer he spent with them, the better he felt, therefore receiving something himself. Like I said, it was a tough one.

And finally Leo's. Leo knew exactly what it meant the moment he looked at it. It was a little like Mike's, only it meant don't try to lead Splinter's life, or rather, don't fret about the end of Splinter's life, which was of course exactly what Leo was doing. He had hardly ever disobeyed Master Splinter, but he had to go against his wishes now. How could he not, when he was responsible?

Leo suddenly came to the present when a bowl of warmed up noodles was placed in front of him. He gawked at it confusion, not really registering what it was at first. Then with an irritated grunt Raph thrust a fork in his face and Leo finally understood what he was supposed to do.

"I'm not eating that," He argued.

"You'll eat it if you know what's good for ya," Raph smirked.

"I'm not eating it to throw it back up again," Leo reasoned, swilling the dregs of his tea in his mug.

"I don't care. You'll eat it and like it. Don always says ya should eat when you're not well to stop you from getting worse," His red clad brother said smugly. Leo sighed and took the fork.

"If I throw up, you're cleaning it up,"

"Don't count on it,"

The noodles felt like worms sliding down his throat, rubbery and plasticky. But he couldn't not eat them, what with Raph standing guard over him like that. After eating half of it, he could take it no longer. He forcefully shoved the bowl halfway across the table and flung his fork down.

"My cooking ain't that bad," Raph harrumphed, taking up the dish and utensil. Leo didn't answer, just gulped down the rest of his tea. Raph didn't mind as long as he'd eaten something.

"Hey Leo, maybe ya should go back to bed," Mike suggested, a tad wary.

"Don't be stupid all your life Mike. I've slept a whole day, and missed at least seven hours training at that," Leo cursed, rubbing his throbbing temples tiredly.

"Don't even think about stepping one foot in that dojo Leo. Besides you're shaking like ya've just seen a ghost. Only place you're going is bed," Raph ordered, suddenly pulling Leo up by his arm.

The unexpected rise made him stumble, dizzy, and Raph had to grab him by the other arm to stop him from keeling over onto the tiled floor, which wouldn't be very comfy. Leo clutched his head and groaned.

"Don't _do _that Raph!" He moaned.

"See what I mean? You're sick," Raph bit back a chuckle at his older brother's fuming face.

"I am not freaking sick!" Leo cried.

He couldn't get sick, he just couldn't! He never got sick. Don had always said he'd had a good immune system. Besides, who was going to take care of them if he was in bed? All he needed was his bit of adrenalin and he'd be fine. But he couldn't exactly tell Raph that could he?

Raph closed his mouth (Which was open to protest) with a snap as the phone began to ring. He glanced at the clock. It was a quarter to eleven. The only people who had their number were April and Casey. Why the shell would they be ringing at this time of night? Curious, the three brothers looked around at each other until Mike had enough sense (For once bless him) to answer the phone.

"Yo?"

To Be Continued

A.N: OW! Numb bum, numb bum, -cries-. Lol sorry I'm tired as well which doesn't help. Well I hope ya'll enjoyed and keep it real guys! Leo forever! (And Don or Raph or Mikey, or even Splintie, whoever does it for you I guess lol.)


	4. Red Like The Rivers From My Fingertips

A.N: LOL I can't believe I made Leo answer Mike's question about how long April had left, but thankfully you all realised it was April who was supposed to reply to that lol. I'll try not to make such mistakes hehe. I was panicking earlier lol, it was almost deadline and I hadn't even written half of the chapter lol but I calmed myself and managed to write, hopefully it's not too bad or anything. Tell me what ya think! By the way, I do not own the mentioned film in this chapter, but it rocks!

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Four

Red Like The Rivers From My Fingertips

"Whoa, calm down there Case-Man, I can't understand a word you're sayin'," Mike said over the endless stream of babble that was coming from the receiver. Leo and Raph glanced at each other nervously. They then turned back to listen extremely closely. "Alright I gothcha dude, just calm down ok? Stop worrying, we'll be right over, see you in five,"

"What is it?" Raph and Leo asked in unison the moment Mike hung up. Casey sounded real panicky, and with April in her condition, that couldn't be good.

"April's in labour," Mike answered. Raph's mouth dropped open. Leo's illness was forgotten.

"Alright, I'll go wake Don, you two get the Battleshell ready," He ordered, moving forwards. Raph instantly found himself and tightened his grip on the eldest brother.

"Whoa, where d'ya think you're going, Fearless?" He posed. Leo spun round to glare at him. Meanwhile, Mikey tiptoed off, unnoticed, to wake up Donny. And it was a good job too.

"Don't start this Raph, don't you get it? _April's in labour_. We have to get there _now_," Leo countered, hands on hips.

As was the case with Leonardo, all his current troubles faded from his mind and all that mattered was they went to give April some help. He was so selfless sometimes it made you want to give him a good one, right in the mouth. But of course, he'd ask you if you'd hurt your fist and if you wanted any ice.

"You're in no fit state to travel. You're staying here and Mikey's gonna look after you. Me 'n' Donny's gonna go," Raph protested, arms folded across his plastron.

Leo made to retaliate but Don's voice cut across him as he dashed through the main room, Mikey on his heels. 'Are you guys coming or not?' That got them both into action, chasing their younger brothers through the lair and upto the old warehouse to the Battleshell.

"Willya slow it down brainiac? Leo's gonna hurl," Raph said from the back, leaning forwards towards the driver, despite being slung in all directions as Donny hurtled through the streets of Manhattan at five to eleven at night.

"I am not going to hurl. Step on it Donny!" Leo snapped, his patience obviously wearing thin.

"Slow it down!"

"Step on it!"

"Slow it down!"

"Step on it!"

"Carry on at the speed we are?"

"Shut up Mikey!"

Mikey huffed as both of the brothers turned on him. It was just a suggestion; one Donny paid more heed to anyway than their furious demands. In truth though, Raph was only looking out for Leo, and Leo was only trying to get to the Jones' faster. In fact, they were still bickering when Don skidded up the road outside their large apartment. He and Mike were sorely tempted to just leave them in the truck but they knew they'd just end up strangling each other.

Leo stayed to watch the rear, well away from Raph, as they trampled like a stampede up the stairs. He hated to think anyone, especially Raphael, had been watching him so closely. It was disturbing and disheartening. Just how much did Raph know? He hated wondering. He didn't want anyone to know anything. They'd just slip, especially Raphael.

One would think Raph was the only one just even minutely close to understanding what Leo was going through, but one would be wrong. Raph was simply a rebel. He didn't hate life, far from it. He just liked to live his own way and had a temper. Raph could never live Leo's life, he enjoyed his freedom too much, and he just didn't know it yet.

But Leo had more pressing matters to think about, such as April. To put it bluntly, Casey was a wreck. He was running around like a headless chicken, backwards and forwards from kitchen to bedroom. Raph and Mike obviously tried not to burst into laughter at the sight of him dashing about in just a pair of boxers with his hair tied up in one of April's pink scrunchies.

"That's a nice look for you Case!" Raph chortled.

Casey finally realised they had let themselves in, and instead of going to pulverise Raph like they expected, he simply carried on running around looking for a bowl, not noticing there was one on the tabletop. Donny sighed exasperatedly and hefted his shoulder bag full of supplies into a more comfortable position. Then he took the bowl and Casey's ear and proceeded to drag him to the bedroom. And of course that was when the red turtle and the orange turtle erupted into fits of laughter.

Leo rolled his eyes and immediately walked a smidgen erratically over to the kitchen area to make some tea. It wasn't green or herbal, but it would do. He smiled a little. Mikey used to call him the Tea Monster when they were around ten, that was when he first started drinking it lots.

"D'ya think having a baby hurts?" Mike asked innocently, sitting at the table.

Raph made to give a comment about stupidness and of course it hurt when an ear-splitting scream came from the bedroom. Needless to say, Raph forgot his statement and Mike winced, disliking his answer. Leo shook his head and started searching for a cup.

"Leo, I'll do that, you si'down," Raph said gently.

He was stood by Leo, and he tenderly laid a hand on his elder brother's quaking arm. Leo sighed and grudgingly obeyed. He thought that was typical Raphael. It had only been a couple of minutes since they had been at each other's throats.

"You ought to have seen that movie Raph and I were watching Leo, it was way cool! This crazy greedy dude who took like half of every dollar in this town was holding this shooting contest and he forced this priest dude into it who refused to fight at first then when he did, he was damn fast! And there was also this woman who entered to avenge her father but no one knew who she was. And the crazy greedy dude ends up fighting his son and…"

Leo half paid attention to Mike's ramblings, knowing his youngest brother was keen to drown out the noises from the other room, he was clearly uncomfortable. Leo accepted his tea from Raph, suddenly feeling quite sleepy. He drew the mug closer to his face so the steam would alert him a little.

"And the Kid was like 'I'm the fastest, you're too old' but the greedy dude just stayed all calm and ready. Then the clock began to chime and bang! They shoot! And guess who won?"

"Say Mike, why don'tcha leave it at that in case Leo wants to watch it later?" Raph yawned, lazing back in his chair.

"Sure thing. What was it called again?" Mike frowned, trying to drag the title of the movie out of his mind.

"_The Quick and Dead_. It is a good film, you should check it out bruv," Raph supplied lightly, eyeing the blue turtle carefully as he inhaled and exhaled the rich tea fumes.

"I'll try to remember that," Leo said passively. He almost yawned widely. That was all he needed, Raph to see he was tired too.

He broodingly took a sip of tea and realised it was sweetened. He never had sugar in his tea. He mentally smiled wryly at Raphael's attempts at giving him some much needed energy. _I have a better method of doing that Raphael, _he thought with another mental ironic smirk. He placed his cup down and climbed to his feet.

"Where d'ya think you're going?" Raph asked suspiciously.

"Bathroom, why? You wanna come with?" Leo answered dryly. Raph narrowed his eyes.

"Very funny Leo, how very droll of you," He replied just as sarcastically.

"Thank you," Leo rolled his eyes and made his way to the bathroom, ignoring his throbbing migraine as best he could. It was no matter; he'd simply look in the medicine cabinet for a few strong headache tablets or something.

He gratefully shut the door behind him and locked it. He leaned against it for a second or two, clearing his head, then looked around. Bingo. He smiled at his new friends, a bag of disposable razors lying on the edge of the bath. He picked one out and slid off the protective covering.

He tested how strong the plastic part of the razor was and, satisfied, he snapped it, therefore easily able to slip out the blade. He tossed the plastic rubbish aside and eyed the new steel. He glided it across the tip of his thumb and he smiled at the cut that began to appear. Then he stopped before it became too obvious. If anyone asked, it was a paper cut received from opening the pack of headache pills.

A few minutes later, he found himself back in the routine of running the taps over his wrists to stem the blood flow. He hadn't done it with a razor before but he was quite pleased with the effective results he had been given. He smiled as they began to sting and clot. However as he waited, he found his mind began to wander.

He recalled one of his earlier poems, written a couple of days after he first started harming. He cringed at how pathetic it was compared to his more recent ones. He couldn't quite remember how it went so he recited what he knew until the rest came to him.

_Releasing My Pain_

_It stings but it helps,_

_It burns but it helps,_

_It's letting it all out,_

_Everything inside,_

_Releasing my pain._

_I need to hide them away,_

_I need you to believe,_

_That my smile is not false,_

_That it's not a mask,_

_To cover up my tears._

_I know it's wrong, _

_I know I should stop,_

_But it helps me so much,_

_I can't find a better way of,_

_Releasing my pain._

When he finally reminisced it, he was pleased to see his cuts had stopped bleeding, so he bound them up again. He cleaned the blade and tucked it in the pouch of his belt that held his shell cell. Feeling nowhere near as sleepy, he opened the cabinet and his eyes instantly fell on the headache tablets he craved.

Pulling out the packet, he was relieved to see there were only two left in the silvery foil case. So he popped them and swallowed them with a little tap water. Now to hide the evidence. He took up the broken plastic, which used to house the razor and tucked it into the empty pillbox. Sorted.

It was time to think up an alibi for spending so long in the bathroom. He cast his glance on the toothpaste and thanked whatever god or goddess or other deity for his luck. He unscrewed the cap, squeezed a pea-sized amount of the white peppermint goo onto his fingertip and rubbed it on his teeth. There, minty fresh.

Feeling everything he'd done would suffice for now, he grabbed the cardboard pillbox and journeyed back to the kitchen again. His migraine was very slowly starting to dull around the edges. He really was having a lot of good luck tonight. He hoped it wouldn't change any time soon.

Yet Leo hated deceiving his brothers like this. He knew he had no right keeping such a thing from them, they deserved to know. But he didn't want them knowing how much he'd failed, how much he'd disobeyed their Sensei. He also didn't want them getting any ideas, yes it was an effective pain release, but it was as dishonourable as possible. He could never let the get hurt in any way or lose their honour.

"What took you?" Mike asked him the moment he entered the kitchen. Leo put the pillbox in the bin then returned to his seat and tea before answering.

"I was sick," He replied simply and took a long gulp of the hot, sweet liquid. If Raph still believed he was sick, he might as well milk it and use it as a defence.

"You don't smell like it," Raph huffed suspiciously as if determined to uncover flaws in his brother's story.

"Wonderful thing, toothpaste," Leo remarked carelessly.

Raph sulked to himself. He could've sworn Leo was hiding something, but what. The eldest certainly didn't act as sick as he did earlier all of a sudden, but sure as eggs is eggs he still looked like it. Shell he was shaking even more if that was possible. And Raph didn't like it; he didn't like people hiding things from him, especially Leonardo. He would get to the bottom of it. He didn't know how yet, but he would.

Mike yawned so widely the corners of his mouth hurt. He'd planned on going to bed after that film but it looked like that was out of the picture. He couldn't understand where Leo suddenly had his energy boost from; _he _was supposed to be the hyper one, not Leo! He amused himself for a few seconds by imagining Leo sinking into a bath full of candy then devouring the whole lot, therefore receiving his unexpected high. Then another scream from April next door caused him to jump half a mile out of his seat.

"Twenty bucks on the fact April won't let Casey anywhere near her again without protection," He drawled lazily, lounging back on his chair.

"A chair has four legs, not two, sit properly please Mike before you hurt yourself," Leo sighed. Mike let his chair down with a clunk as the airborne legs hit the tiles. Figures, even when Leo was sick he still managed to nag.

"And no one's stupid enough to challenge that bet Mikey," Raph added.

"Shucks! I want that Tekken five video game," Mike pouted. He could never keep a hold on money; it always slid out of his hands like a snake.

"Well you'll just have to wait until your birthday then, won't you?" Leo reprimanded lightly.

He looked tiredly towards the bedroom door where muffled shouts and so on were heard along with Mike and Raph's babbling about the new Tekken game. How much longer was this going to take? It wasn't that he was bored or impatient or anything, just that he was worried, extremely worried. He'd heard about how badly wrong this situation could go. And he wanted the best for their friends and their almost newborn.

Unexpectedly, Donny poked his head around the door, looking extremely tired and stressed. Due to not ever seeing how births go, Mike instantly commented on how _Don _looked like he had had a baby, not April. But Raph just hit him round the head.

"Shut up Mikey. Leo I need your help, fast," Don ordered, wiping a hand wearily across his forehead.

"Why?" Raph answered before Leo could.

"Because Casey's bloody passed out!" Don snapped, looking behind him into the bedroom and nudging something angrily with his foot. Leo instantly got up to help without question but Raph seized him.

"Whoa there Fearless! You're still sick, I'll go," He said gruffly.

"I'm not sick! Leo me go Raph, April needs my help!" Leo argued indignantly.

"I don't care who helps, as long as somebody does!" Don growled menacingly as April whined his name behind him.

This brief and impulsive change in character took Raph back a little and Leo took this to his advantage. He broke free of Raphael's grasp and hurried into the other room before the red turtle realised what had happened. Don caught his eyes for a few seconds the retreated hastily back into the bedroom.

Raph knew then Donny thought what he did. The brainiest turtle had noticed Leo's sudden energy high too and had silently assured Raphael he'd keep an eye on their leader.

Raph wished Don hadn't asked for Leo's help. He couldn't help but dread Leo was gonna freak if there was a lot of blood. Usually Leo was very tolerant of it but he hadn't seen loads of the stuff since Splinter's death, the most being when he cut his hands at Christmas (Or so Raph thought.) He remembered Leo hazily telling him there had been a river of the red stuff when Splinter died but he didn't specify whose it had been. Leo had been pretty beat up and Raph knew it was cruel but he hoped it had been his and not their Sensei's.

They hadn't seen his body. Leo had washed it and wrapped it up, forbidding them to look. They had glimpsed his face when they buried him in the old abandoned filed belonging to Casey (It was near his Grandma's old farmhouse) but they had not seen his body. Raph had always feared it was a sight that would sicken even the strongest stomach.

His Sensei's face had haunted Raph's (And Mike's and Don's for that matter) dreams for weeks after that. But none of them said a word, how could they, when Leo'd woke up screaming enough to wake the dead every night? But that was during the first couple of weeks. Now there were no screams whatsoever. Raph wondered if Leo even went to sleep now. He knew he went to bed, but not if he slept. He dreaded the answer would be no. He was almost certain that was why Leo had fallen asleep in the dojo earlier that morning.

"Ha, ha, ha, Casey passed out!" Mike chuckled to himself. Raph had to grin there; he wouldn't let Casey live that one down.

They'd all teased him silly about being a dad and going soft, Raph especially. Of course Leo and Mike ticked him off when they bet each other to see how long it would be before Raph himself softened towards the baby, they were going to be uncles of some sort after all. Leo had bet five days and Mike too. Raph bet he wouldn't go all goo-goo eyed over the infant ever, let alone a couple of days, but even he wasn't so sure about that one.

"You know, we're the ones behind this baby sorta," Raph mused, lounging in his chair and taking out one of his sais, Halle, to fiddle with it. (Halle's sister, being the other sai, was called Liv, they were of course named after the beautiful actresses Halle Berry and Liv Tyler.)

"Ya what?" Mike blinked in pure shock and confusion.

He was about to ask if it was because Raph had been having it off with April behind Casey's back and if so, it would be very obvious when the baby came but the red turtle interrupted. It was actually quite lucky for Mikey, he didn't think April would like processed turtle scattered around her new kitchen.

"If we hadn't found Ape in the sewers, or if I hadn't stopped Case from going nutso on those Purple Dragons, they probably wouldn't have met, much less get married or have a kid. So it's partly thanks to us," He explained, twirling his weapon almost carelessly.

"Oh I get ya! So like, we're matchmakers?" Mike grinned. Raph nodded and slid Halle back into his belt.

He tried to think what Leo had named his katanas. They were real sword names too, not just a couple of actresses. He knew Mike's nunchucks were Mary-Jane and Shadowcat after Marvel characters, and Don's bostaff was Marie, after the famous female physicist Marie Curie. But what was Leo's? Raph strained his memory hard and recalled Quicksilver and Rapid-Fire.

He thought they sounded like Leo, valiant yet poetic. He moved like those names suggested when he fought too. He almost chuckled to himself at the thought of himself moving like Halle Berry and Liv Tyler. That would be the day. Mind you, Halle was pretty darn good in _Catwoman_ and _James Bond's Die Another Day_, just as Liv kicked ass in the _Lord of the Rings_. But still…

Raph sighed and went to put Leo's cold cup of tea down the sink. He picked up the soggy teabag he'd left on the side and tossed it in the bin, catching a glance of the empty box that used to shelter headache tablets. It looked like the Jones' would need some more, especially now they had a wailing baby on their hands.

"Hey Mike, mind nipping to the Hole in the Wall and fetching some migraine pills and some more milk? Leo used the last of the pills and we're fresh out of milk at home," He yawned, stretching.

"Sure thing bro, ya got some dosh?"

Mike climbed to his feet, keen to get out of the building. Raph pulled a five-dollar bill from his shell cell pouch on his belt and handed it his younger brother. Mike bid him goodbye and eagerly left. Raph didn't have to worry about him.

The Hole in the Wall was just that, a small niche in a wall on the corner of Ninth Street that sold all manner of things from candy to newspapers to milk and headache tablets. You simply told the cashier what you wanted, they got it from the back and then you paid. There was no bother of moping around a store in full light and view of everyone.

Besides Mike took a disguise with him and it was pretty dark out too. The Foot would be mad if they decided to try anything. Nope, Raph didn't have to worry. Still, better not tell Leo though.

To Be Continued

A.N: So how was that? Lol hope you enjoyed it and please review! Laterz and keep it real guys!


	5. Black Like The Unseeing Eyes

A.N: I am so sorry this update's a tad late, I'm finding it harder and harder to hit deadline now I'm back at school, I'm so sorry. Meanwhile, thank you so much for all you reviews, I really love 'em, honest I do. And don't worry if an update's a little late, it just means I either have a tiny case of writer's block or I've been busy. It will never mean I have discontinued the story; I could never do that, well, only for good reason. But don't worry about that because I have thousands of ideas for this, I know exactly where it's going and I put it in front of my homework, which I know I shouldn't but who cares? Anywayz, sorry for the long note, here's chapter five!

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Five

Black Like The Unseeing Eyes

Raphael sighed and rested his forehead on the cold glass. It was extremely wet and chilly outside, yet warm inside, so condensation formed on the window. He watched the rain hammer down the surface and the black, shadowy figures hurrying indoors out of the damp dark as quickly as possible.

Now he was regretting setting Mike on that errand. He didn't realise how cold it was, and then, when he thought it couldn't get any worse, it started slinging it down. It sucked being cold blooded sometimes.

Raph tried to calm himself. Mike had been gone twenty minutes. He should be back any time soon. There was no need to worry. With a quiet chuckle, he noticed he must have been starting to sound like Leo. He shook his head and moved away from the window. He hoped Mikey came back soon, he was getting a feeling April and Casey had very little childfree time left.

He ran a hand over his tired face and looked around for something to do. There wasn't even a radio to switch on to drown out the noises from next-door. He remembered the trash bag was full and crossed the kitchen to take it out. You couldn't pay him to take out the trash at home, but he was desperately bored and back at the lair it usually meant taking quite a few bags up topside at any one time.

He took off the dustbin lid and wrenched out the black liner. Noticing he would have to shift some rubbish aside to tie up the bag, he reached in and shoved sideways some junk, including the pillbox. To his surprise, it rattled. He frowned, wasn't it supposed to be empty? He decided to investigate and reached forwards.

He jumped half a mile out of his shell when the Jones' bedroom door was flung forcefully open and a green blur breezed through the kitchen as fast as lightning and another door slammed shut. Raph sighed. Leo.

He turned away from the dustbin, heard a baby's wail from the bedroom and deciding Donny could handle it, journeyed towards the bathroom. He knocked lightly and called his brother's name. He winced, as all he heard was Leo violently throwing up that tea and those crummy noodles. He shook his head and went to give Donny a hand, hoping Mike got back real soon.

Leo tore his hands away from the basin when he saw the bloody smears he'd left. He hauled the cold tap round and forced his hands under the icy jet. He gulped, scrubbing his hands. His heart was thumping so hard it was hurting his plastron. Then his stomach rebelled and he leant over the sink again.

One of the things he hated most was throwing up. It always left one weak and shaking, you were literally vomiting up your energy. And he hated the jelly-legged feeling one experienced and the most disgusting flavour one had ever tasted. He closed his eyes for a second, regaining his breath, then splashed the still-running water around the sink and his mouth.

He wiped a hand wearily over his face and turned the tap off. He glanced uninterestedly in the mirror and his stomach churned. He instantly wrenched the tap on again and started to vigorously scrub his face red raw. His cheeks stinging, he finally ceased his washing and checked the mirror.

Thankful he was now free of the spattered crimson liquid that was plaguing his expression, he sunk onto the bath edge. And he lowered his head into his hands. But he still would not cry. Not even if he was alone.

Leonardo usually was pretty lenient of blood. He never got queasy or weak-willed. He couldn't, he was the big brother, the protector, and he had to suffer through these things all the time. Besides, accidents happen, and they will continue to happen. Yes, he was usually pretty lenient of blood.

But, if truth be told, he was sickened and frightened at this moment in time. April's birth hadn't gone exactly as planned. Mother and baby were fine, but the infant had been stubborn, and done a little damage on the way out. It was nothing serious, just messy. And Leo didn't like it.

He hadn't seen so much blood since Splinter's death. And the stuff clouded all over his hands and his face and everywhere else just forced him to relive that horrific, nightmarish moment. He remembered the feeling of the blood splashing against his skin. The memory of the coppery smell and taste when it dripped in his mouth and nose made him flinch. He shivered as he experienced the blood drying on his flesh, making it itch something chronic. He almost hurled again when the sound of the fluid splattering against his green skin rung in his ears again and again and again.

He sunk to his knees, fighting for breath. He stared at his hands. Although they were clean, he could still see the bloodstains, creeping and oozing through the crevices of his palms and down his arms. It wasn't just his blood. His was slightly lighter, and it merged with the darker, cursing him for life.

Raph knocked gently on the bedroom door and entered, grinning crazily. April smiled jadedly up at him from the bed, cradling a pink bundle of blankets to her chest in a motherly fashion. Donny was washing his hands in a bowl full of weak, red water. Casey was still out cold by the door. Typical.

"All good?" Raph came and stood by the bed. Try as he might, he still couldn't get a good look at the bundle, although he heard it bawling quite clearly.

"'S'all good babe," April beamed, smothering a yawn.

She looked extremely tired, yet happy. Her eyes were drooping and she was yawning every few minutes but her lips were upturned and her eyes were gleaming. It was almost a good job Casey was out cold; he could look after the child whilst she caught some z's. That would be punishment enough for him.

"So is it a girl or a boy?" Raph asked eagerly, still trying to catch a glimpse of the baby's face.

"A girl, a lovely little girl," April cooed, peering over her daughter to kiss her gently on her pert little nose.

"Got a name for her yet?" Raph wondered.

"Nope, we're not sure. Here, d'ya wanna hold her Raph? Donny has," She grinned at the brainy turtle, who smirked. They all remembered Leo and Donny's bet.

"Uh," Raph faltered a little and almost took the baby April offered, but then he decided he wouldn't give them the satisfaction. "Nah, you're ok, I'll let Casey here have the privilege," He replied coolly. April snorted.

Donny shook his head and knelt beside her unconscious husband. The second youngest brother prodded and poked, called and yelled, shook and tickled, but still did not manage to wake him. Growing frustrated he tried everything he could think of.

"Hey where are Leo and Mike?" April suddenly asked, realising neither turtle were in her presence. The baby was finally drifting off into a peaceful slumber.

"Uh Leo's in the bathroom and Mike's gone shopping," Raph answered, once again aware Mike hadn't come back yet. He'd have to ring him.

"Mike's out on his own?" Don glared.

"What's Leo doing in the bathroom?" April stared. Once Raph had understood the simultaneous babble of questions, he replied.

"Mikey just nipped to the Hole in the Wall for milk and headache pills and last time I checked Leo was –"

"Ugh. How many Huns punched me?" A groggy voice groaned, clutching his head.

"None you moron! You passed out!" April snapped.

"I…did?" Casey blinked, sitting up and glancing around in a daze. April shook her head exasperatedly.

"Look, you guys should get home. You're all tired and Leo's sick. You don't have to stay any longer than you need to," She looked up to Donny, who was now stood by her bed.

"Just give me a ring if you need me, ok?" He smiled exhaustedly.

"Sure. I just don't know how to thank you, I mean –"

"Thanks will do. To be honest, seeing your baby is a reward all in itself. Goodnight you guys," Don grinned.

"Yeah, good luck. We'll see ourselves out," Raph saluted and the two made their way out.

Leo was in the kitchen, sat at the table with his head in his hands, shaking like an earthquake. Raph and Don peered uneasily at each other and approached him warily as if he'd explode or something.

"Yo Leo, c'mon, it's time to go bro," Raph said tenderly, laying a hand on his older brother's shoulder. Leo tensed.

"You ok Leo?" Donny frowned, bending a little to glimpse his brother's face to no avail. Leo looked up and pulled a face.

"Where's Mikey?" He asked seriously, glaring particularly at a guilty Raphael.

"Uh…he went…shopping," Raph shrugged, trying to act defiant.

"Shopping! Alone!" Leo shot to his feet as fast as a lightning bolt.

"Whoa, whoa! Chill there Leo! It's ok; he should be back any minute. Let's get out of April and Casey's way, and I'll give him a ring," Raph reasoned calmly. Leo narrowed his eyes, realising he was talking to him as if was crazy. But there were more important things.

"How's April?"

"She's fine, but she'll be even better if we just gooooo," Donny took his brother's arm, righted him when he stumbled, and led him out, Raph following.

In the truck, Raph began to dial Mike's number. He was getting really worried now. As much as Mikey liked it topside, he wouldn't keep his brothers like this. Raph placed the shell cell to his ear, waiting for his youngest brother to pick up. But he didn't. It just kept ringing.

"There's no answer,"

Neither Donny nor Leo replied. They were both thinking the same thing. But they couldn't go gallivanting after him. For one thing, they were all tired, and would end up doing more harm than good. They would give him another half hour, and then start acting.

"All right Leo, straight to bed bruv," Raph ordered once they were safely back home. Donny wished them goodnight and went off to his room before Leo could even answer.

"But Mikey-!"

"But nothing, c'mon,"

Leo reluctantly let Raphael steer him towards his bedroom. He played along and assured him he'd be ok and go instantly to sleep. He shook his head fondly as Raph shut the door behind him. His heart beating unbelievably painfully, he sat shakily on the bed and reached into his belt pouch. He wouldn't sleep.

He could feel something deep inside him, and it wasn't those crummy noodles either. No, it was something unpleasant and exhausting. Leo didn't like it, he had a horrible feeling it was something to do with Mikey. And he wouldn't sleep whilst Mike was out. He needed his energy and that was what he was going to get. He took out his razor blade.

Raphael sighed and poured the boiling water over the coffee granules in his mug. He was getting a headache from worrying so much. How does Leo do it? He finished dissolving the brown powder and took a sip of the scorching liquid. There was no milk to cool it off. Needless to say, he scalded his tongue.

But Raph had another mystery on his hands besides Mikey's disappearance; Leo's sudden energy boost had vanished as quickly as it had appeared. And Raph was one hundred percent certain it had something to do with helping April give birth. Or more precisely, the blood that was present at April's birth. The blood had obviously stirred some horrendous memory within Leo's well-organised and shielded mind. Raph intended to find out what. But not until Mike got home. At the moment, he was the main priority.

He shook his head and sat at the table with his mug of black coffee. He seized his phone and tried ringing the orange clad turtle once more but still Mike didn't answer. Raph was starting to feel more than a little guilty. He glanced at the clock and his feeling of worry increased. It was a quarter to four. Day would be dawning soon, Mike needed to hurry.

Despite the coffee, it wasn't long before Raph drifted off to sleep, in the uncomfortable position of lying back in his chair with his head lolling to one side. He still clutched his half full, or half empty, however you want to put it, coffee mug and every now and then great, abnormal snorts would erupt from his volcano of a mouth. Yup, Raph was well and truly fast asleep.

Now, Raphael was never one to get particularly frustrated or upset with dreams or nightmares. From a young age, he had learnt your mind enjoyed playing tricks on you. And he never believed dreams could reflect reality either. In fact the only night visions he had paid even a smidgeon of attention to were those that recently involved Master Splinter, but that was understandable. Nope, unlike Mikey, Raph never let any sort of dreams get to him. Usually.

The dreams that did bother him were, like mentioned earlier, were those that concerned Master Splinter or April or Casey or Donny or Mike or Leo. I'll rephrase that. The dreams that did affect him were nightmares of ghastly deaths involving the afore mentioned people. And when they got to him, they got to him good.

Yet he hardly ever pondered on them. Most of them he knew were just figments of his imagination, playing around. The only ones he ever sat and thought about were those that showed his Sensei's death, and that was to fearfully wonder whether that was how he had died. Of course he wanted to ask Leo, but he could never bring himself to do the task. And especially not now Leo had just freaked at the sight of too much blood. But of course, that only intensified Raph's suspicions.

But having said that, he, and unwillingly too probably if he knew about it, was going to enter the dreamworld and experience a vision that was going to tear his no-brooding rule apart.

_Raph opened his eyes and instead of seeing his room or even the kitchen, his heart bounced into his throat when he saw he was on top of the Shredder building. He blinked a couple of times in complete confusion before taking in his surroundings._

_It was night, a dark sky clotted with silver stars and a calm, summer air with no wintry, roaring wind or freezing rain. The revolting smell of blood wafted in his nostrils and his stomach agitated obnoxiously. He looked down and frowned to see Leo's katanas at his feet._

_His frown evolved into a grimace as he realised they were bloodstained, dark, brick red at the tips. It was still wet and oozed in puddles around him. He involuntarily shivered and in doing so, he caught sight of his hands out of the corner of his chocolate eyes. He almost cried out in surprise._

_They were soaked in the same blood all over Leo's swords and trickled all the way down his green flesh, therefore curdling his own blood. His face itched and he scratched his cheek warily after wiping his hand on his belt. His face was dripping with blood too. _

_Yet he knew it was not his own blood, for his was a lighter shade. But where had it come from? He looked down at his belt for his sais. But Halle and Liv were missing. He bit his lip and shuddered again. _

_He unexpectedly felt something shift on his back and realised they were sword sheathes! But what the shell were they doing on **his **back? Then with a jolt, he understood. He was in Leo's body, reliving one of **his **moments._

_He shifted his gaze and it fell on a shadowy object a little further away. He squinted, trying to recognise it. He could see it was unmoving but swimming in a pool of fluid he feared to be blood. A cloud over the moon shifted and a ray of pearly light fell on the shadow, revealing it in full glow._

_And Raph screamed louder than he had ever screamed before in his life._

He awoke bolt upright in his chair in the kitchen with a stiff neck. He glanced frantically around, creaking it, as he tried to reassure himself of his environment. That done, he relaxed a little, panting hard. That had been terrifying.

Before he threw another thought to it, he listened to see if Donny or Leo (Or maybe even Mikey if he was home, and Raph sincerely hoped so) had heard him. It was quiet and Raph didn't know whether to be angry or relieved. However he sat back and rubbed his face unenthusiastically.

That had been so scary. It was the most nauseating thing he had ever seen in his life, and he didn't want another look.

But he had been in Leo's body. Yet he couldn't understand why. Had Leo seen the exact same thing? Maybe he had, and the sight of all that blood earlier had brought it all back? Raph gulped.

Wait a second. The blood that had graced Leo's swords was the same blood as that on his hands and face, and the blood that had graced his hands and face was the same as that drowning the shadowy figure he'd seen.

Raphael almost screamed again. He needed to sleep. He needed to stop thinking. It had just been a dream, a silly little nightmare. He never paid attention to dreams and nightmares right? So why should he start now? His mind was just joking around, using the vision as a stupid way to tell him to get to bed.

He let out a shuddering breath. He was going to go to bed. The trouble was, he couldn't get that image out of his head. It was one of those that was going to stay with him for an age, just like Master Splinter's face, his blank, expressionless, dead face,

Without warning, tears began to spill from his eyes and down his cheeks like the Niagara Falls. He quietly sobbed, for what he didn't know. Maybe it was because he missed his father, maybe it was because he was pleased for April and Casey; maybe it was because he was worried about Mikey. Or maybe it was because he refused to believe what he saw; maybe he refused to believe a person he knew and loved could do such a thing.

No, it was just a nightmare, a stupid trick of a tired head. People get those all the time right? How childish of him to get worked up over a stupid dream. He really needed sleep.

But what about Mikey? No, Raph couldn't afford to just go napping when anything could happen. He would go check if Mikey was back, if not he'd try April's. If he wasn't there, he'd get a truckload of coffee and go look for him. What sort of brother would he be if he didn't?

He violently shook his head free of the remnants of his night scare and got to his feet. He rubbed his temples tiredly then took a few steps forward. Before he even got to the doorway, Leo pounded through it. His look said it all. He'd heard Raph's scream, but hadn't been able to come instantly for some reason. It made Raph suspicious.

But before the brothers could question each other, the front door slammed open and somebody stumbled in. Michelangelo just moaned in deep pain and keeled over onto the floor before Raph and Leo knew what was happening. The youngest turtle's blood immediately swamped the floor and stained the two eldest brothers' toes.

Mikey was home. But obviously not safe and sound.

To Be Continued

A.N: I just love being on the giving end of cliffhangers, but doesn't everyone? Lots of mysteries here, I wonder who can figure them out! Hope this chapter was ok guys and I'll try my hardest to keep on track. Keep it real, all my love.


	6. Red Like The Streams From My Wrists

A.N: Again, apologies for a slightly late update, reason same as last week's, I'm finding it harder and harder to meet deadline, but I am trying for you guys, honest I am. Thank you so much for the reviews and I really hope you all enjoy it. My eyes were streaming writing this, dunno if it's 'cause of the chapter content or what but it was annoying lol. Anywayz, here we go.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Six

Red Like The Streams From My Wrists

"Donny! Oh God! Donny wake up! For fuck's sake, DONNY WAKE UP!" Raphael yelled in his brother's ear as loudly as he could, shaking him harshly at the same time.

"Wossamatta?" Don groaned groggily, reluctantly opening his eyes.

Raph was a panicky wreck. Tears Donny could only interpret as extreme guilt or worry rolled down his cheeks and he was almost as unstable as Leo had been. This caused Donny to sit up frantically and grab the red turtle's arms.

"What is it? Raph, what's wrong?" He asked urgently.

"It's Mike! He's hurt!" Raph moaned desperately. Don's heart plunged.

"Hold on Mike, oh Daimyo, please Mike, hold on,"

Leo cradled his baby brother in his arms, his voice hoarse and croaky as he repeated the same words over and over again. The blood stained all up his arms and plastron almost sent his heart into pumping overdrive. He was scared, so scared. But he would not cry, no matter how much his chest tightened, no matter how much his throat burned or his eyes stung, he would not cry.

Mike was a state. There was a great knife wound in his left thigh, as if someone had stabbed him, twisted the blade round then forcefully pulled it out. His shell was chipped and two black eyes were beginning to form in ugly purply blue hues. Blood dribbled down his chin from his mouth and a deep slash ran from his collar to where his plastron started. Other wounds dotted his bruised body, varying from shallow and small to deep and huge.

His skin was unnaturally pale and sickly looking and his usually bright and sparkly emerald eyes were dim and glazed over in pain underneath his rapidly blinking lids. His breathing was laboured. Leo could see Mike's plastron beginning to bruise horribly, giving the elder the suspicion something that weighed an unbelievable mass had been thrown full speed at his chest, therefore limiting his respiration.

"Mikey, please, you have to be ok, you just have to, if you were gone I don't know what I'd do," He bowed his head against his brother's and kissed his forehead tenderly.

It was true, nothing could be more accurate. He'd already lost his father, his teacher. If he lost one of his brothers, one of his best friends, one of his few reasons for living, he didn't know what he'd do. He knew he needed them a lot more than they needed him.

It pained him to realise how dependant he had become on them, just as it pained him to realise how dependent he had become on his self-harming. Both were his drugs, yet one was his excuse for existing and the other condemned him. He hated one, loved the other.

And just like a drug, if one were to be taken away, he'd more than suffer. Yet inside, Leo knew he'd prefer his self-harming to vanish rather than his brothers. He knew he'd attempt to fight through anything without his blood fix if it meant his brothers could live. And right now, he'd receive all of Mike's wounds and more if it meant he would survive.

"I'd give it all up Mike, I promise, I'd give it up if you pull through," He pleaded sorrowfully.

Leo thought no one had heard him. But Raph and Donny had, and it made Raph even more mistrustful. But duty called, Mike needed dire help, and fast, otherwise he wasn't going to last the night. Leo could only watch and trail after helplessly as his brothers took the youngest turtle out of his arms.

It was happening again. Someone he loved more than life itself had been torn from his clasp. It was like a part of himself, a part of his heart, had been ripped out as brutally as possible, only the emotional pain was far worse than the physical, and would leave a deeper, stronger, everlasting scar.

He couldn't take anything in. He watched in a daze. All he saw was two pairs of eyes, one emerald, and one black, both glassy in pain. And the blood, all the sickening blood.

Blood was becoming more and more familiar to him, more so than even himself. Blood was simple, it was a fluid found in the body and originally blue in colour but then turns red when it reacts with air. That was basically what blood was. But himself? He was sure of nothing about Hamato Leonardo. He didn't know if he belonged in his family anymore, he didn't know if he deserved his swords, heck, he didn't even know what his favourite food was anymore.

Raph wiped the back of his hand across his forehead, leaving a bloody smear, an odd contrast compared to his green skin. They were doing the best they could but they were losing their brother rapidly. There was only so much you could do with a needle and thread. Donny's bicep was red and sore where they had taken as much blood as they possibly could.

Raph hated the feeling of fear. In fact he actually feared it, just like his older brother. And now, this was his third time of experiencing how deep and painful the feeling could actually go. He'd had Leo, he'd had Donny and he'd wondered when it would be Mike's turn. With a sinking feeling, he noticed he was the only one of them that hadn't been anywhere near certain death.

But he wasn't just frightened about Mikey, no. Leo was scaring him a great deal right now. To be honest, Raph didn't trust his mental state. His physical state was questionable enough, but Raph could see it in Leo's sapphire blue eyes, his mind was on different things, and Raph dreaded to think what.

He forced his mind to dwell on Mikey; he could interrogate the eldest later, when he was sure Mike would be ok. But those chances were slim. Raph's heart fell an inch lower and his grip on his brother's limp wrist tightened. Mike's pulse was dropping to a devastating ten beats per minute. He almost didn't have the heart to tell Donny.

Donny himself was trying to keep a level, open head. He knew, as a statistical fact the majority of people in Mike's condition didn't live very long at all. And he could almost feel the life rattling out of the orange turtle, almost feel him slipping out of his fingers. If they lost him, he was afraid of what he might do; he definitely was scared of what Leo might do.

He'd only briefly pondered what Leo had meant earlier about giving up. He'd thought of a million sacrifices he could make but none even came close to the real thing. Never in any lifetime would he dare to think it to be self-harming. He thought his brother was too strong for that. How wrong he was, how very wrong.

He glanced frantically up at Raph, who was counting beats with more focus than he'd ever applied in a lesson. It was true, situations like these brought out the best (Or worst in some cases) in people. Raph was a typical example; it truly brought out the very best.

"C'mon Mike, please, just one beat, please," Raph pleaded desperately, tears forming in his eyes.

This caused Don to be on the alert and also snapped Leo back in his place. Raph was trying hard not to panic. Mikey's heart hadn't pulsated yet, and a minute was over. It was times like these Raph cursed not being able to have full access to every item of medical machinery under the sun.

"Donny there's no beat," His voice wavered, trying to stay in control.

It was at this moment Leo chose to dart forwards to his baby brother's aid, it was his job. But Raph forcefully shoved him out of the way. He didn't trust his mental or physical state and that was that.

Throat becoming unbearably tight, terror bubbling inside of him, Donny attempted every form he knew getting his heart pumping again. None worked. Eight minutes of selfless and fruitless CPR and heart jolting passed. Mike's pulse never even flickered.

"There's no pulse Donny! There's no fucking pulse!" Raph cried shrilly, finally losing the hold he had on his blazing eyes. They instantly began to release their salty seas down his cheeks. But Donny would not listen. He would not let his brother die.

Leo's own heart stopped at that moment. His breath caught in his throat in complete and utter shock. He'd failed; he'd lost a brother. He'd let one of them get hurt. He was a disgrace.

His eyes and throat burned and yet he still he fought the tears, despite Michelangelo's death seeming final and official. He just wanted to scream and hurt himself so badly for what he'd done. From that moment on, his self-harming stopped becoming his pain release and energy boost. It started to be his punishment.

What was the sharpest object in the house? His own swords. He almost smiled with the irony. He took one last look at Mikey's cold green eyes, gave an involuntarily shudder, turned on his heel and fled. Neither Don nor Raph had the heart to call him back. Neither Don nor Raph had the heart to stop trying to revive their brother. They weren't brave enough to admit they'd lost him.

Leo didn't know he was grinning manically. Leo didn't know he was trembling. He only knew the rage and grief roaring inside of his body. Before he knew it, he was sliding Quicksilver out of its sheath and nipping it across his skin.

And every part of his skin it was too, whatever part was green or yellow. Soon it was deep red everywhere. His body was beginning to resemble that of Mikey's, tattered and torn. Only his cuts weren't meant to kill, only cause pain. He finished tearing the blade across the width of his wrist and slung it on the floor.

He felt numb, although he could feel the blood run in streams down his flesh. He could feel the pain ripping through his body as if it were on fire. He wanted to feel pain, all physical pain. He wanted to be punished. But still the pain in his heart was far more hurtful than that of any given by any sword. He cursed the day he was born.

He crumpled against the counter and slid down to sit adjacent to it on the tiled floor, leaving a trail of blood everywhere his flesh touched. His blood began to merge with that of Mike's, which was still wet and sticky. He ran his fingers over it and scooped up as much of it as he could. He wiped it all down his face for a reason he did not know.

Mike was gone. It was unfair. He was probably the last person who deserved too die. He had loved his life, had always wanted to help people yet have fun and live each day to the fullest. Now that had been snatched from him like some childhood fantasy. It was so unfair.

_B is for the bed on which I lay,_

_R is for the rivers streaming from my pools,_

_O is for the other waters on my wrists,_

_K is for the kiss of stainless steel,_

_E is for the endless screaming,_

_N is for the needless life I live. _

Leo ran a bloody hand over his bloody face, dripping the stuff everywhere as if it were mud on a little boy's football boots. It made Leo sick. That was how this world works. Fate takes those that least earn death, and the ones that should die linger like a bad smell.

But Leo vowed to go against that. He would avenge Mike and Splinter's deaths (Even if he was the cause of one or maybe both of them). Too long had they stuck to the shadows in remorse, hiding from and therefore avoiding everything Oroku Saki threw at them. He would pay, Leo would make sure of that.

His dull eyes eventually glinted with the gleam they once had through one of the only parts of him that were not crimson. Blue shone through the droplets, defining but also losing his identity. He climbed to his feet and took Quicksilver once more. He sheathed it easily, the blood still caking it acting as lubricant.

He had never felt so faint from blood loss before yet at the same time he'd never felt so alive. He was going to make Shredder pay, for Splinter, for Mikey, for Raph, for Donny, for April, for Casey and their new baby; it did not deserve to grow up in this world. But he would not do it for himself, he didn't deserve it.

With unrivalled courage and determination he strode the length of the room to the front door, his feet firm on the bloody floor. His hand left a scarlet streak on the doorknob as he flung it open. He did not look back. He did not cry. He had forbidden himself long ago.

Donny furiously swiped away the tears; they were getting in the way! He refused to give up; he would not let Mikey die. Although Raphael had already sunk to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably. If he was crying, he dreaded to think what Leo would be doing.

"C'mon Mikey, please," Donny begged tearfully, his voice croaky.

Overtaken by grief and desperation, he gave one last and final particularly hard shove on Mike's plastron where his heart was located. Donny didn't even expect it to work, but work it did. In an expected twist of fate, Michelangelo suddenly coughed harshly and took in deep, painful, breaths of air, supplying much needed oxygen to his lungs.

Donny and Raph froze in astonishment then began to cry with relief. Steadily but surely, Mike's pulse was starting to return to a more normal rate, his heart receiving that little bit of a boost it needed. His fear reasonably lessened, Donny returned to tending to his brother, still sobbing gratefully and thanking whatever deity existed for their mercy. Raph had the job of finding Leonardo.

The red turtle rubbed at his sore red eyes and started the journey to the kitchen. He hoped with all his heart Leo was in there and ok. He leant his hand on the doorframe without looking in and made to step inside. He solidified stick still in cold-blooded disbelief.

There was blood clouded everywhere, far more than had been there half an hour ago. The floor was a bloody swamp and the red fluid was splattered and smeared everywhere. Handprints decorated the table and countertops; puddles had splashed up the wall and the fridge. The strong smell of copper burned Raph's nostrils and blended his stomach. Now he knew the meaning of the word bloodbath.

His heart jammed in his throat. Leo. Raph almost screamed or threw up. He knew he was right to question Leo's psychological position. He had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself.

It reminded him of the horrific dream he saw. Once again, he wondered if it was true. And once again, he decided he didn't want to know.

"Donny! Ya better come and see this!"

The distress and fear in Raphael's voice tore Don away from his wrapping of a light head wound. Assured Mike would be fine for just a couple of minutes now he was breathing with a little less difficulty, Don decided to see what Raph had yelled him for. With a sinking heart, he feared it would have something to do with a certain blue bandanaed, katana wielding turtle by the name of Leonardo. And, like ninety five percent of the time, Donny was right.

"Holy - " He breathed, changing colour faster than a set of traffic lights.

"Shit," Raph finished for him. Don nodded numbly.

"You have to go after him," He ordered hoarsely, after seeing a trail of footprints led to the front door. Raph gulped nervously.

In truth, he daren't, and who could blame him? Who wanted to follow a turtle that was obviously out of his mind with grief and had just cut himself to shreds, even if he was their brother? Raph hated to think what he might find. The only outcomes his mind could think of were horrid, messy ones.

But Raph knew he could not leave his brother out in the dark in his state of mind. Leo needed him, even if he wouldn't admit it. Grimly, he nodded his agreement. He also decided Donny needed to know about the dream. Hoping he wouldn't regret it in any way, he began his story.

"Don, I, I had a dream," He mumbled. Don instantly paid attention. Raph never talked about this stuff, so it must be important.

"Go on," He coaxed quietly.

"I, I was in Leo's body, and, we, I was on the top of the Shredder building, and there was blood all over my hands and face and on Leo's swords on the floor, a really dark blood. And there was this dark figure, and it was covered in blood," Here, Raph took a deep breath, trembling.

"Who was it Raph?" Donny asked quietly, dreading the answer.

"It…was Master Splinter," Raph whispered, locking Don's hazel eyes to his chocolate. What colour there was left in Don's face vanished.

"It wasn't him Raph! It can't be! It was the Shredder! He said so!" He cried, seizing Raph's arms. However Raph had expected Don to react, it wasn't like this.

"I didn't say it was Don," He protested, overpowering him. He shook him a little to calm him down. A hysterical Donatello was not a familiar sight.

"Leo could never do that, he, he loved him, and he loves us! He couldn't do that Raph, he couldn't kill him!" Don wept, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Pull yaself together Donny!" Raph growled, shaking him again. "It was a dream, nothing more. I knew I sh'u'n'ta told ya! Get a grip! I'm gonna go find him,"

"Dream, right, they're just figments of one's imagination, a device the body uses to…to…" Donny broke off, clearly not able to think straight.

"Go and watch Mike," Raph instructed softly. Don reluctantly obeyed, muttering to himself.

Raph shook his head and let out a shuddering sigh. His head ached. It was his entire fault, if he hadn't sent Mike on that errand, this never would have happened. Yet Leo would still be driving himself nuts. Raph had a feeling this was just a taste of how Leo was destroying himself inside, if that was what he was doing.

And then there was the matter of Master Splinter. On that note, Raph wanted the absolute truth, something he wasn't sure he'd get from Leo at this very moment in time. But Leo was the only one who knew exactly what happened. It almost drove Raph to despair himself.

To Be Continued

A.N: Sorry must rush this, was supposed to be in bed a half hour ago. Hope ya'll enjoyed. Love to you all and keep it real!


	7. Grey Like The Hammering Rain

A.N: Surely you guys should know I would never kill off our lil Mikey, I love him lol. Hehe I felt evil. But he's breathing and alive, don't worry about him. But anywayz, here's chapter seven, which hopefully isn't too late.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Seven

Grey Like The Hammering Rain

Leo pressed his cold shell as hard as he could against the icy brick wall. It was unnaturally chilly and breezy. Pearly moonlight beamed through angry purple clouds in shafts onto his sweaty bloody body. He shook erratically from a mixture of frostiness, fatigue, shock, anger and grief, not to mention self-disappointment.

He forced his calloused skin on his palms and fingertips brutally further onto the sharp pinpricks of the manmade brick. He almost smiled as the heavens parted like the sea for Moses and the furious waters imprisoned within their fluffy gaol screamed down to start a mighty war. It had rained summer streams almost a year ago at the beginning, and now it will rain with spring streams at the end, how very fitting.

He regretted leaving a few lengths of wool unwoven and a few farewells not given, but it couldn't be helped. He couldn't go back, not now. Heartache would loom over the lair like an emotional storm cloud, reflecting the one in the physical world. He couldn't handle that again.

Two deaths in almost one year. It sickened him, or rather, he sickened himself. He let two of his clan die; he deserved ultimate death now he had ultimate dishonour. But Donny and Raph remained, Leo could never leave them.

If he did, Donny would just turn into an anorexic recluse and Raph would hardly ever come home and maybe even go too far when serving justice topside. His brothers deserved happiness; he'd already taken away so much, he couldn't take away anymore. They didn't need him; they needed his protection, that's what ran through his head. But he was wrong; they needed him as a brother.

But if whatever deity existed had snatched Michelangelo from this world, who was to say they couldn't just as easily take Donatello and Raphael? Or even himself? Although he would do everything to prevent that happening whilst at least one of his brothers was still alive.

Yet Leonardo found it very hard not to just mercilessly slice his own throat. And he'd dare do it too, no doubt about it. He didn't want to die this second, but he wouldn't complain if he did. Well, he would care a little. He hated leaving Raph and Don in that state, obviously weeping over their fallen baby brother.

There was one particular poem that stuck in his head he had written when he had felt more than a little suicidal. He was quite proud of it to be honest; he usually scorned most of his work.

_One Word, One Object, One Path_

_I only have one word,_

_One object, one path,_

_As the answer to it all,_

_I have too many questions and too many problems._

_All it takes is a movement of lips,_

_A flick of the wrist,_

_To become the path I need,_

_I've shed too many tears, _

_And whispered too many pleas._

_I can't speak up,_

_I can't show you,_

_How desperate I am,_

_To use the one word,_

_One object, one path,_

_Just to get away from it all._

_Seppuku. Blade. Freedom._

He leaned his head back against the rough wall and sighed, feeling quite dizzy and hot, despite the nippy wind biting his flesh. He was so tired he could fall asleep right there in the dirty, smelly moonlit alley. He was so sore; he didn't care if he was thrown into any more pain.

But he had a job to do, deaths to honour. He rubbed his aching temples and coughed, paying for it as his chest muscles roared. But he was finding it hard to do. He couldn't go back, he couldn't go forward. He was stuck.

For one thing, he was scared of returning to the scene of the crime. He knew he would more than likely face Saki on the roof of his building; something he was beginning to dread as if he knew his death was coming. Naturally, he hadn't set foot anywhere near said building.

They had very reluctantly emerged from the lair, afraid they'd be launched into battle with their enemy they now hated with a new, stronger passion. They received groceries from April and Casey but they hardly ever went topside, not even Raph.

Leo wondered now what his remaining brothers would be like now they'd lost one of their own. His job was going to get unbelievably harder, if he ever returned from his encounter with the Shredder. To be honest, many things were crossing his mind at that moment, from running away to suicide.

He wanted to cry, he actually wanted to rip down those dams and let the water gush out. He was alone now, maybe he could cry? No, Master Splinter and now Mikey would be scrutinisingly glaring over him. Oh how he desperately wanted them all to be back together again.

Donny ran a hand over his cranium tiredly. His hazel eyes were sore and his mouth was dry. He watched over his younger brother without blinking an eyelid. He took his hand and prayed more than he had ever prayed before in his life. He prayed for Leo, Raph, Mike, April, Casey, their new baby and anyone else whilst he was at it.

He wiped at his eyes for what must've been the millionth time in the short five minutes Raph had been gone. One thing was for sure; to Donny it had felt like five years. He could only imagine how long the rest of the night would take. He gulped and took a sip of water; his throat had never been so raw.

He had done all he could for Mikey and now, Donny was not so scared for him. Maybe it was something to do with Raph pushing the worry onto Leo, but whatever it was, Donny knew somehow Michelangelo would be safe. He wouldn't be fine just like that of course, but he was past death.

The same did not go for Leonardo. Donny let out a rattling sigh from his gravely throat. However he expected Leo to react, it wasn't to tear himself to shreds and get blood all over the place, that was the very last thing he thought their elder brother would do. Don shuddered as he recalled the horrid copper smell and the sigh of everything caked in the crimson canals. Somebody was going to have to clear that up. He hoped it wasn't him.

For both their sakes, Don hoped Raph found Leo fast. It was nearing daybreak. In his self afflicted state, Leo couldn't afford to be out long. And if the Foot were still out, things could get messy, or messier than they already were for Leonardo. He wanted his elder brothers home more than anything, even more so than wanting their Sensei back.

He groaned as the annoying trills of his Shell Cell wrecked his peaceful peace. Reluctantly, he took up the vibrating gadget and took a peek at the caller ID. He almost breathed a sigh of relief; he had expected it to be Raphael telling him he'd found Leo in a splattered mess at the bottom of NY's tallest skyscraper or something. But thankfully it was only April.

"Hey April, shouldn't you be catching some z's?" He asked quietly, absentmindedly stroking Mike's creased forehead.

"Oh Don, Raph just rang asking if Leo was here, he told me what had happened, how's Mike?" She asked in a breathless babble. It made Don smile a little.

"He's ok, no increased blood pressure or anything, breathing's a little laboured, but he's ok, he doesn't seem to be in too much pain," He reported wearily. April sighed gratefully.

"That's good I guess, let's hope he recovers ok. What was Leo like? Raph didn't say much," Her voice was full of sisterly concern, and Donny expected nothing less.

"Well when Raph said he couldn't feel Mike's pulse, Leo just stormed out and after we got Mike breathing again, Raph went to see where he was. All I saw when I got there was blood, blood everywhere. It was up the walls, down the counters. I know so much of it was Mike's, but I'm not sure just how much," Don finished grimly.

"Oh God," April managed to rasp.

"Yeah, Raph went straight after him about fifteen minutes ago," Don rubbed his temples tiredly. When would he get his sleep?

"You don't think he's-?"  
"I'd rather not think about that conclusion if you don't mind April," He interrupted briskly before she could even suggest it.

"No, of, of course not Don, sorry. Look I'll get off the line in case Raph rings. Give me a call if you want anything or there's any news, ok?" She asked.

"I will April, goodnight," He waited for her to wish him the same before hanging up and flinging his phone down carelessly onto the table.

April had unintentionally put into his mind thoughts he'd rather not pay any attention to whatsoever. He didn't want to think of Leo lying face down in a freezing alley with blood seeping out of his throat. He didn't want to think of Leo lying face down on a freezing seabed with dirty water swamping his lungs. He didn't want to think of Leo lying face down on a freezing lab table with cruel scientists dissecting him as messily as possible. It was almost enough to make Don sick or burst into tears again.

He shook his aching head and wiped his hot face jadedly. It was only understandable, after all that crying and staying awake and trying to keep his mind off certain things, that he drifted off into a surprisingly dreamless sleep with his head on Mike's chest and still grasping his hand.

Raphael's feet were getting tired. His calves were pumped full to bursting but still he carried on, the balls of his feet slapping through April puddles. He had been following the unmoving blinking dot on his Shell Cell's tracker only for half an hour, but it seemed like half a millennium.

He tried not to be prejudiced and assume the worst. But that dot hadn't moved in thirty minutes and the dawn was beginning to rise. He took another glance at his phone, only a few more blocks to go. His heart thudded. It thudded with blood-curdling anticipation.

Raphael had always held more concern for his older brother than he'd like to have. He hadn't really worried as much when Splinter was alive, save for the times something drastic had happened such as Leo getting ambushed by the Foot when they were fifteen for example.

So if Raph had fretted a little more about Leo when Splinter had passed, wouldn't one think he would have observed his brother a little more and therefore picked up on his dangerous depression? But Raph hadn't, for various reasons.

For one, Raph had been too wrapped up in his own guilt and grief. He had often wondered if had he gone on that topside scavenge instead of Leonardo, would the night's eventual outcome be any different? With a shudder, he realised probably not, and was a tad selfishly grateful he had not been in Leo's bandana that night.

Secondly, Raph had been far too angry with his brother to spend more than a brief encounter with him. The reason for this being Leo's seemingly inability to grieve and uncaring nature. This understandably infuriated Raphael and fuelled his reluctance to be anywhere near the 'Fearless Leader'.

And finally, he felt as if he didn't need to keep an eye on Leo. He truly believed he was worrying over nothing and that Leo was perfectly fine, uncaring and cold hearted, but other than that, fine. Of course whenever he woke up in the middle of the night to hear Leonardo screaming, Raph simply switched on his walkman on as loud as it would allow, deciding listening to rock music was far better than hearing his brother's bone chilling screams anyday.

And Raphael now furiously kicked himself hard for not going to his brother's aid at the beginning of all this. What sort of brother was he? A very pathetic one obviously. What a brilliant way of repaying the amazing brother Leo had been.

Sure he nagged a lot and needed to lighten up but Raph knew if Leo wasn't, well, Leo, none of them would be here right now. It had been Leo who thought up life-saving strategies, it had been Leo who kept his head in desperate situations, it had been Leo who had stopped the other three from plunging themselves into despair. It had been Leo right from the start.

And now it was their turn to help him. Raph had always thought his brother was better than that. He never thought Leo would ever do such a thing. He guessed it was true what they say; the strongest always need the most help.

Raph looked at his Shell Cell. It was the next block. The unmoving blinking dot was stationed in the next block. He gulped; he had never been so scared or nervous in his life, never. His stomach was doing somersaults. Feeling sick and afraid, Raph took a step around the corner into the back alley behind Yates' department store.

It was empty. There was nothing there whatsoever. There wasn't even a few trashcans or a dumpster, just litter and mice and a flickering street lamp. Raph growled in frustration. He jumped as a mouse darted over his foot and he looked down to vent some of his anger out on the poor thing.

The rodent was long gone but something else was not. Curious, Raph bent and picked up a Shell Cell, similar to his, only this one had bloody fingerprints smeared on the fascia. Cursing his luck, Raph glared at it.

The screen said 'You're going to have to try harder than that Raphael.' With an irate bellow, Raph launched the mobile phone at the nearby wall. They collided with a crunch and the device shattered upon impact.

He stared at the bits of green plastic dotted over the dirty floor, blinking tears from his chocolate eyes. Oh how he hated so much at this moment in time.

He hated himself for letting Leo get mentally hurt, letting Mike get physically hurt and for pressurising Donny. He hated Mike for listening to him for once. He hated Leo for being so selfless. He hated the Shredder for killing Master Splinter. He hated life. But not enough to slice himself to strips like Leo. To be honest, he couldn't see how that helped anyone.

He only saw it as making things worse, to him it caused more harm than good, which in reality, it probably did. He tried putting himself in Leo's bandana, tried to imagine a reason bad enough to excuse self-harming. But he couldn't think of one. For Raphael, not even witnessing Splinter's death could make him do that.

But was it enough for Leo? Raph remembered Splinter telling them about self-harming after they'd watched a film about it on TV when they were about twelve. The old rat had said people did it for all sorts of reasons. Maybe something traumatic had happened to them and they needed a way to release the pain. Maybe they believed it stopped their loved ones from getting hurt. Maybe they felt they had to punish themselves or maybe just because they wanted some attention.

But whatever the case, Splinter had explained to them that it was wrong and helped no one. So why was Leo doing it? He had listened to almost every lesson Splinter had ever taught, so why was he disobeying this one? It just didn't make sense.

Raph snarled heatedly. Where on this confounded ball of dust was he supposed to look? One turtle couldn't search NYC on his Jack Todd. He kicked the trashed phone fascia and grumbled.

"This is your fault Leo. If you're fuckin' dead when I find ya, I'll fuckin' kill ya!" His shout echoed energetically from wall to wall, sounding much more sinister than he'd meant it to.

Then Raph stopped and thought about what he'd said. He almost smiled. The desperate situation must be draining his common sense. It was just as bad as when Mikey randomly said 'If I ever woke up dead, I'd die'. Raph shook his head. Minds sure could be dumb sometimes.

But back to the matter at hand. Where was he supposed to look? New York was just so big and he was so small. If he was just one-second too late, it could cost him Leo's life.

He needed to hurry up, lives depended on his speed, Leo's, Mike's, even his own. It was only another hour at most until the sun was up. What if he wasn't home, and Don had fallen asleep and Mike was struggling to take in air? He'd never forgive himself.

Was this what Leo felt like every night, every time one of them was missing or in danger? Raph could hardly cope one night with those thoughts, how could Leo manage almost nineteen years?

Leo's job had always seemed like heaven to Raphael. He could tell his brothers what to do, be respected, have a place to be, gain Splinter's approval. But the more and more Raph thought about it, it stopped sounding like heaven. It was appearing more like hell.

The intense feeling he was experiencing now Mike was hurt and Leo was missing was horrible. And he would have to be responsible for everything they all did. He would always have to make sure they never got into trouble, that they were happy and unhurt. He'd have to discipline them when they misbehaved. He'd have to forever watch their backs. He'd have to train eighty percent of the day so he was fully able to watch over them physically. He'd have to endlessly strive to be perfect, just to gain his father's love and respect.

It was there and then Raph decided he didn't want Leo's bandana. He couldn't handle it. One night was more than enough. He envied his older brother's strength and yet admired it. He loved his life the way it was, he liked his freedom, he liked who he was.

He knew then he could never be half the leader Leo had turned out to be. Therefore Raphael vowed to find his brother before it was too late, he would thank him in his own way. He would not stop searching, day or night until he found Leo. And when he did, he would not rest until he knew the truth and Leo was his old self again, however long that might take.

He prayed as desperately as he could to whatever deity existed for mercy enough to spare his brother that night. Whatever suicide mission he might be on, to foil it as many times as was possible. If he was going to jump off a building, give him back his fear of heights. If he was going to hang himself, make the rope snap or his knot faulty. If he was going to overdose, let him live no matter how many pills he took. If he was going to cut his throat, let Raph come in time to save him. Please let him regain whatever amount of honour he had lost by letting Leo get in such a state and letting Mike get hurt.

To Raphael, one thing was sure. He would try his utmost hardest to rescue their brother. Leonardo would not perish whilst Raphael was around. Hopefully.

To Be Continued

A.N: I actually enjoyed writing so much focus on Raph, that's kinda weird lol. Well I hope ya'll enjoy it and please drop me a line! Keep it steady guys, love ya!


	8. Black Like The Death That Awaits Me

A.N: I hope you guys all got your messages, but the reply to review feature is a new one, so I'm not sure if it worked. You'll have to get back to me on that one. But anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter!

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Eight

Black Like The Death That Awaits Me

Raphael took a breather. He slid down onto the filthy wet floor and leant his sweaty head on the wall. It was cold and damp but he was warmed enough from the solid forty-five minutes of sprinting he had done. He had found no trace of his brother, not even a speck of blood. The rain had washed it all away.

He breathed out slowly, his chest aching. He couldn't really afford this but he really needed it, he was shattered. The sun was beginning to peak over the horizon, bathing the whole city in a fiery wash. People would be out and about soon, going about their daily business in the young day.

He decided to give himself a couple more minutes, then go on his way again, searching, after stealing a few clothes from that clothes line over there of course. He sighed. He had done shell of a lot of thinking and digging up the past these last few days.

But no memory was stronger than that of the morning he and his brothers awoke to find their worst nightmare lying on the tatty sofa. It was an odd yet unpleasant reminiscence, and naturally Raphael didn't like to think about it.

However, recent events had forced him to relive that heartbreaking morning to analyse Leo's behaviour. Now Raph thought about it, it had been disturbing then. And he really should have realised the eldest would be devastated. But Raph had also thought the eldest would have no problem showing his emotions. Evidently not.

**_-Flashback-_**

**Raphael jumped half a mile out of his skin then groaned loudly as the infuriating ding-a-lings of his alarm clock gave him an early morning greeting. Grumping, he blindly searched with a clumsy hand to find snooze on the cursed device and pressed it with a little more force than needed. It looked like Donny had another job to keep him busy that afternoon besides fixing Mike's PS2.**

**Only half aware of what was going on, Raph threw the light summer sheet to the side and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Yawning something chronic, the rest of him followed, his chocolate eyes blinking and watering sleepily. Geez, it was already stuffy at six am. **

**Mind overthrown by tiredness, he clumsily gathered up his shower things and started his journey towards the bathroom. Unfortunately the bathroom situated this side of the lair, near the boys' bedrooms, was down, and Donny had yet to figure out how he was going to fix it whilst avoiding a trip to the local D.I.Y store. **

**So by Sod's Law, the other bathroom was next to Master Splinter's quarters near the dojo. So he'd have to meander his way through the remnants of last night's pizzas, which was cast around the floor along with the box and glasses and cola bottles. **

**It had just been him, Don and Mike last night. It would have been just him and Mike if they hadn't managed to persuade Donny to take a break from his lab. And Leonardo?**

**Splinter had asked him to go on a scavenging trip topside with him, as they were running low on supplies, and Splinter didn't like calling April and Casey.**

**They had left around seven, before the pizza had arrived, so both had missed out on dinner. They hadn't come back by the time the other three had gone to bed at ten. **

**Raph hadn't been worried. In fact, he'd had to tell Don to stop being such a worrywart. He was almost as bad as Leo. But no, Raph wasn't bothered. He simply assumed supplies had been scarce topside too. And he knew nothing could happen whilst Splinter was around.**

**He knew it was childish, he knew his father wasn't invincible. Yet for some reason, he believed their Sensei was just too good, far better, than anybody the Shredder could throw at him, even Saki himself. Raphael had the most faith in his father than anyone could have in anyone. **

**And as for Leo, well. Raph also knew his brother would never, ever, let anything happen to their Sensei. He would commit Seppuku before he would let Master Splinter die. **

**Nope, Raph hadn't worried. He hadn't even thrown them a thought. He'd enjoyed the movie, enjoyed the pizza, enjoyed his brothers' company (Yes even Mike's) and so therefore had enjoyed the night. He'd had no Leo or Splinter nagging and spoiling his evening. **

**Stifling a huge yawn, Raph clumsily stumbled down the steps from his room to the main one, rubbing at his eyes. He didn't really pay much attention to where he was going, and in a result of this, he slipped and missed a couple of rungs. **

**Unfazed by his now sore feet, he plodded through the living room, grumbling still. As he walked behind the sofa, he didn't notice the figure crouched very low over the couch.**

**He didn't expect anyone to be there at all, as all the lights were switched off and he was fumbling around the place in complete and utter quiet darkness. So naturally he jumped another mile out of his flesh and his heart started running another marathon after just settling down after the last race when a clear, emotionless voice called out.**

"**Raphael,"**

"**Holy mother of custard!"**

**He flung his hand out to punch the light switch brutally on. Artificial golden sun flooded the room and threw everything into full view. Raph glared daggers at his older brother's cranium peeking over the top of the couch. For some reason, Leonardo would not look him in the eye.**

"**That was clean, did it really come from your mouth?" Leo asked dryly, still not looking up. Raph scowled at his blue clad brother's attempt at a joke. **

"**Shurrup, I'm goin' fer me shower," He growled irately.**

"**Raph, wait," Leo mumbled quietly. Raph had to strain his ears hard to catch what was said.**

"**What?" He asked impatiently.**

**Leo opened his mouth to speak but the words would not come out no matter how hard he tried. He bowed his head closer to the couch. Creasing his brow suspiciously, Raph walked around to the front of the sofa. **

**He gasped and his throat became unyielding. What colour that usually resided in his face was quickly drained and his hands grew limp, dropping his towel and bandana to the floor. **

"**What the shell is going on?" He croaked.**

**Master Splinter was lying on the couch, beady eyes closed lightly, tightly wrapped in a warm blanket. Raph could tell the rat's body was stone cold. And it didn't take a genius to notice his still, unbreathing chest. **

"**What happened?" Raph breathed, trembling. Leo let out a quiet, steady rasp. **

"**There was a fight…with Shredder. I…I couldn't get to him in time," Leo barely whispered.**

**Raph's throat went dry, and his heart pounded his plastron even more painfully than when his alarm clock and Leo had scared him. He hardly registered in his head what was happening. He breathed heavily, tears threatening to erupt like some grotesque volcano that spewed out warm saltwater.**

**He fell to his knees beside his elder brother and reached forwards to stroke his father's muzzle. He let the tears defeat him and spill out all over his face. He leant and wept, gripping the blanket so tight it smarted his palms. He cried into the body, grieving his father, his teacher, his everything.**

**Leo almost laid a reassuring hand on Raph's shoulder but he quickly decided against it. He fully expected Raph to blame him for everything, and how right he would be.**

"**What happened?" The red turtle repeated brokenly. Leo gulped.**

"**I told you. The…the Shredder. We…we got into a fight," He mumbled, looking up into Raph's eyes for the first time.**

"**No, how did it happen?" Raph said again, gritting his teeth and silently pleading with his brother through his eyes. Where his pools were red, sore and streaming, Leo's were dry and impassive. It almost angered Raph. **

"**It was clean. Lots of blood but…not, his…" Leo whispered.**

**Raph took a good look at his brother then. He was covered in cleaned but naked wounds, ranging from small and shallow to much worse. However, as was the case with Leo, he appeared fine, yet completely impassive. **

"**Leo, you're-"**

"**Fine. They look worse than they are," Leo lied coolly. **

**Raph shook his head and sighed. He bowed his head and began to cry once more. He couldn't understand it. He could hardly imagine what the shell things would be like.**

**No Splinter? No one to lead their classes, father them in the ways of life, no one to celebrate Christmas and birthdays with? Raph couldn't bear it.**

**Leo heard footsteps and spun round on his knees to see Mikey, rubbing his drooping eyes and clutching his trailing towel and bandana. His mind was still clouded with sleep so it didn't really register why Raph was crying. And then his emerald eyes travelled upto Splinter.**

"**Mikey, wait…" Leo opened his mouth.**

**Michelangelo let out an ear-splitting scream. Raph winced and leant even lower over Splinter's body. Leo shot to his feet and took Mike in his arms. The youngest turtle fought and scrabbled, sobbing and screaming. He finally broke his brother's grip and fell beside Raph, weeping. **

**And naturally, the screaming attracted Donatello and before long, Leo had three grieving brothers on his hands. He tried his utmost hardest to comfort them, but how can you console someone who had just lost their father? **

**But he had just lost a father also. Yet he was in a whole different league to them. He was completely dishonoured and deserved the worst life could throw at him.**

**_-End Flashback-_**

Raph wiped his eyes furiously and climbed to his feet. His breather was over. He borrowed some of the clothes on the line and threw them on as quickly as he could and started his search once more.

How on earth could he not have worried about them that night? He could have at least called them. But no, he had decided to be selfish and enjoy himself whilst they fought for their lives.

He had thought his father able to defeat the Shredder every time they had been confronted, but he had been wrong. He had thought Leo wouldn't let anything happen to the rat, but he had been wrong. He didn't blame Leo, not in the slightest. Or rather, hadn't blamed him.

Once again the dream plagued his mentality as he pulled harshly at the belt ends of his 'borrowed' trench coat. How much of it was true? Many times he had asked himself this question, and many times he had no answers. Once he found Leo, if he was in any fit state to answer questions, he had some explaining to do.

Raph made his mind stay far away from any other conclusion. But to be honest, he was starting to panic now. The sun was rising and there had been no sign of Leo after an hour's rainy searching. But he would never give up.

Leo adjusted one last thing in the jumble of junk. To a bystander standing as close as Leo, it would look just that, a jumble of junk. To someone far away, on the ground and looking up for example, it would look like some dark, heroic figure stood atop the office blocks. And if someone thought hard enough, they would realise it resembled a certain eighteen year old blue clad ninja turtle. Leo was quite proud of what he could do with a bucket, a few boxes and other things.

He just hoped Raphael wasn't still looking for him and decided to investigate his impostor. The real person he wanted coming out was, of course, the Shredder. He was quite proud of his plan if he did say so himself.

Scratching at an itching, healing wound on his left arm, he retreated as far back into the shadows as he could, crouching low against the brickwork of the attached building, which housed the stairs. The sun rose gloriously. Feeling quite confident with his plan, he watched his enemy's lair like a hawk.

And soon enough, after only something like twenty minutes of waiting, floods of ninjas poured out of the building like a river rushing into the sea. Leo smiled to himself and followed them making their way up his building with ease. One would think they didn't move in the daylight but the place was deserted at five zero five am.

Leo almost grinned as hoards of ninjas froze their ambush in confusion. They looked at each other to the rubbish to each other again, muttering the same thing over and over. What the hell is going on?

Leo crept as quietly as he could towards the back of the group, who were too busy to notice him. Quick as a flash, he clamped a hand over a straggler's mouth and pinched a nerve. The ninja collapsed silently into Leo's arms. He withdrew back into the gloom before they realised their comrade was missing.

He slipped behind the stair shelter and hurriedly changed with as little noise as possible. It was a good job they were both about the same size. A full-scale argument had broke out up front about who would tell the Shredder what. Leo almost chuckled as he tied his hostage up, now unconsciously shivering in his underwear. Leo straightened, accustomed his new black and red mask and stepped out to join the fracas.

"Where did you go?" A random ninja with a thick Japanese accent grunted irritably. Leo blinked and took a second to comprehend he was the one being addressed.

"Uh…bathroom," He mumbled. His friend huffed and turned back to the debate.

Finally it was a ninja Leo learned to be named Keiji was to tell the Shredder the figure had been a decoy. And to put it bluntly, Keiji was frightened half to death.

Leo felt quite sorry for him. He was only a lad of sixteen, newly initiated and the youngest of the clan, therefore chosen to inform the Shredder. He begged his teammates desperately but they would not give in. They all knew whoever was to tell Oroku Saki, they would meet an immature death by their master's rage.

"Rei! Rei, please!" Keiji threw himself at Leo's mercy.

Astounded, Leo saw the beseeching green eyes through the boy's mask tearing up. He felt his own heart break. But if he stood up for the boy, he would have to take his place and face the Shredder. He knew if he did that, his mission was ruined.

"I…I'm sorry Keiji," Leo croaked.

From that moment on, from the moment he saw Keiji's eyes dim through his mask, he hated himself even more. How could he just condemn someone like that? He was a murderer, a disgrace.

"Rei…" Keiji whispered. Leo hardened himself. It would not help this boy if he broke down.

"Be strong Keiji, we all must face our fate sometime or other and keep our honour," He said clearly, his voice echoing out through the morning air.

"Yes Rei," Keiji held his head high and began to lead the way.

Leo felt the scum of the universe. He'd just sent this boy to his death. Yes he had been foolish to join the Foot, but he was just a boy, a mere babe of this cruel world. He didn't deserve what awaited him. No one did.

He almost called out, offered to take Keiji's place. But he couldn't reveal himself to the enemy prematurely. Keiji had to accept his destiny, whether Leo was to blame or not.

"What's the matter with you Rei? Gone all soft?" His friend from earlier sneered. Leo didn't answer, just turned his back and began to climb down the ladder. He inwardly grimaced as Keiji's voice drifted to his ears.

"A Foot ninja is honourable, a Foot ninja does what is of most benefit, a Foot ninja owes full allegiance to Oroku Saki and if that allegiance is disgraced, death is better than life,"

That must be the Foot clan's motto or something. It sickened Leo. What was all that rubbish about honour? Foot ninjas were never honourable. With a wry smile, Leo noticed it sounded like him at that moment.

He wished he was as brave as Keiji, or rather he hoped he would be as brave if he were ever faced with such a situation. But never, ever, would he owe complete allegiance to the Shredder. He'd rather die.

He bustled his way to the front of the company fighting and shoving their way into the building and towards the elevator. He caught up with Keiji and laid a reassuring hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Thank you Rei," Keiji murmured in his Japanese accent.

"Know this Keiji, we are sinners for obeying Saki, but whatever honour we may have lost, yours has been retrieved this night," Leo comforted solemnly, squeezing said boy's shoulder.

"Rei?" The boy frowned.

"I'll be seeing you soon no doubt. And I'll show you the real me, and explain everything," Leo replied a little cryptically, his stomach churning as the elevator dived upwards.

"The real you? Rei, I don't understand," Keiji grumped.

"You will Keiji, you will," Leo sighed.

Before Keiji could open his mouth, he was pushed out of the elevator doors mercilessly. He was thrown before the entrance to Saki's personal throne room.

To Be Continued

A.N: I hope that was ok guys. I'm not too sure about the guy's reactions in the flashback; you'll have to tell me what you think! See ya around guys!


	9. Red Like The Blood On My Knife

A.N: Hey guys! Hope ya'll looking forward to an update, 'cause here it is! I hope ya like it. Tell me what ya think.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Nine

As Red As The Blood On My Knife

"Raph, come home. You're not going to find him,"

"Yes, I am! I am, Donny, I have to,"

"You've been searching for four hours, come home,"

"No Goddamnit! Are you saying you think he's dead?"

"I'm saying I think you're tired and need rest,"

"Don, I have to find him,"

"I know Raph, don't cry-"

"I am not crying!"

"Yes you are!"

"I am NOT!"

"Come home Raphael. You can search after you've had some sleep,"

"No, I am not resting while he could be lying bleeding to death in some alleyway, or…or, or…"

"Did you try his shell cell?"  
"I started tracking it, but when I reached it, he'd slung it on the floor with the message 'You're going to have to try harder than that Raphael,'"

"Typical. Just come home Raph,"

"For fuck's sake, NO! I am not leaving him in his state a second longer than I have to!"

"What if he's in trouble when you find him, and you're too weak to help him? What if you burden him on the way home? I can't pick you up, I have Mike to look after, and April and Casey have a baby now in case it slipped your mind,"

"I am not weak!"

"You haven't slept in over twenty four hours,"

"I have too!"

"When?"

"When we got back from April's,"

"Wow, an hour's nap at most, wonderful,"

"It was still sleep and I'm not tired,"

"Whatever. You'd best get home soon Raph, Mike wants you,"

"How is he?"

"He's dropped into a fever and is hallucinating a little but I think he's coming out of it,"

"Will he be ok?"

"Hopefully. Mike's pretty strong, he has a good immune system,"

"Say what?"

"Never mind. Hurry home Raphael,"

Click.

Raphael sighed and slipped his shell cell back into its home on his belt. Donatello was right, he was getting rather tired, but their missing brother was much more important.

He had realised he'd had four hours of fruitless, exhausting searching. He'd had no clue of Leo's whereabouts, was shivering from the rain and cold and had almost been spotted twice. It was the old turtle luck working true to form. And he despised it.

He really was no use if he found Leo wounded badly and he, Raphael, was too weak to help his fallen brother. He ought to go home, rest and then continue his search with full health. They were heroes; karma should be good to them, especially Leo. Should.

Feeling a little clean air would do him good, he decided to run the route to their residence on the refreshing rooftops. Maybe he'd even find some signs up there too. If he was lucky.

He stretched before attempting to climb up the wet, rusty rungs of the ladder leading up beside him. He scaled it with ease, and as quickly as possible so he would receive a mere taster of the stimulating breeze one got from immense speed.

Oh he loved the feel of wind whistling and whipping his red cheeks and he loved the slap of his bandana tails as they flicked his face and shoulders. He loved the roar in his ears almost as if it were some carnivorous beast chasing him for his hide, therefore forcing him to sprint faster.

He heaved himself onto the roof of some small apartments and stood straight in the rain. He took in his surroundings with a peaceful feeling of serenity bubbling through his veins despite the nagging in the back of his subconscious, reminding him about his two brothers in danger. Leonardo and Michelangelo, his oldest brother and his youngest brother.

Swallows and pigeons cawed and sung their morning songs. The humming roars of car engines were thankfully muffled at this height to a medium lull. Gloomy clouds still spewing rain rolled lazily around the sky.

And the Shredder building stood exactly opposite like an intimidating tower of evil. It was almost as if the huge red Foot symbol was taunting him, laughing at him. Raph growled and spun round to go on his way.

Before he could take a step further, his eyes fell on a Japanese man, unconscious and shivering in soaking underwear, bound and gagged. He knew that face. He recognised it before he could even puzzle over the reason why a man was in his underwear in this weather.

He was a Foot soldier. Raph could remember him only too well. This man was the one Raph accidentally unmasked during a fight once. Usually, all humans looked the same to him, but how could he forget those piercing grey eyes glaring at him?

And now here they were again, only half rolled into the back of his lolled head in his comatose state of intelligence. Raph had half a mind to wake him up, untie him and challenge him to a fight but he thought better of it. Instead he took out his shell cell, dialled NYPD and informed them of the crook's whereabouts.

That done, he watched the young man's face and tried to figure out the motive for the enemy ninja's situation. Being bound and gagged could only mean someone wanted him out of action. But taking his clothes? Was the captor just cold? Did he need the outfit for some mission?

Yes, that sounded more appropriate. But what for? What would someone want a Foot uniform for? Unless they were going to take his place in his particular clan? But who would do that and why?

And it suddenly hit Raphael like a bolt of thunder. He realised who was a similar size to this Foot soldier, understood why he needed the uniform. Leo was going to infiltrate the Shredder building. And Raph could only dread to think what for. Revenge.

But revenge didn't sound like Leo. Well, it didn't sound like a normal Leo. And Leo wasn't precisely what anyone would call normal right this second. Raph knew _he _would want more than revenge if Shredder had killed his father and brother.

But Raph knew something Leo didn't. Mike was alive, the Shredder didn't kill him. And Leo needed to be found and informed before it was too late, although Raph would feared it would already would be. The Foot was tinted blue the chill he had been out that long.

Raph heard the police sirens as if they were his own heart thumping with blood. He felt alive. He would find his brother. He was so tired; he was beyond the ability to sleep. Leonardo was the only thing on his mind.

Leo absentmindedly pulled his mask tighter. He'd hardly ever so nervous. He felt nervous for young Keiji, who was shaking next to him. With an agonising creak, the doors before him slowly opened. Someone pushed him from behind and reluctantly, with legs like jelly, he walked into the room.

He had only been in here once or twice, but both times the place had been trashed. Now, everything was perfectly in place. The glorious red velvet carpets and drapes weren't torn or burnt or dirty. The flaming oil lamps weren't slung to the floor and their blazes didn't lick the environment with a scorching heat. The grand, ornate throne toppled over due to the commencing fight. And the Shredder hadn't perched upon it like some grotesque, sick-minded king.

"Foot ninja, report!" He growled menacingly.

Leo tried to keep his shiver discreet. After about nine months, that was the first he had heard that voice in person. Before, only its laugh pierced his dreams like a knife.

Trembling, Keiji stepped forward. Leo watched as his sworn enemy fixed his terrifying scarlet-eyed glare upon the young boy. Leo felt a familiar sickening emotion churning in his stomach. He knew it was guilt. He'd experienced it every day for the past nine months. Once a murderer, always a murderer.

"There…there was no turtle there, my lord. It was…it was a decoy," The boy stuttered, looking his master in they eye as best he could.

"WHAT?" Oroku Saki burst from his chair like rain exploded from the angry storm clouds outside. Keiji, Leo and the rest of the Foot clan flinched.

"It was a decoy sir," Keiji repeated.

Leo watched the following scene as if it were in slow motion. His eyes trailed the path the Shredder's black metal gauntleted hand as it rose high above the alien being's head and then down again in a rush of air. Keiji watched it in fear, knowing it would be worse if he moved.

Leo's breath caught in his throat as the blade flew further towards the boy's own neck. Then something inside the turtle snapped.

"NO!" He screamed and dived forwards.

His body weight collided with that of the Japanese youth and flung him unceremoniously to the floor. Keiji instantly recovered from the shock and rolled over. His mouth fell open in horror as his master plunged the three-pronged blade into his comrade's fleshy side.

Leo's eyes flashed with pain and he let out an anguished cry as the claw was cruelly retracted from his body. He immediately clutched his streaming side and collapsed to his knees, blinking back tears.

He was not sad. He hoped he had regained just a little of his screwed honour by taking that blow for Keiji. He did not care for his own hurts and looked over at the boy, who was sat up and staring at him with mixed shock and guilt and even grief. Leo looked into the boy's silently crying and smiled wearily. They were an unbelievably close shade to his own.

Leo grimaced as he felt sticky claws lift his chin to look into his foe's glowing scarlet eyes. Leo's own blood dribbled down his chin from the cold steel. His side twinged and he felt his eyes burn and his heart beating painfully fast, despite rapid loss of blood.

"Tokito Rei, I expected better of you, being from a great line of honourable ninjas," Saki mused almost thoughtfully as if pondering this sudden break in character. Leo wondered how he could tell his ninjas apart, then realised their initials were embroidered on the uniform's chest.

"I'm not Tokito Rei," Leo murmured through gritted teeth.

If the Shredder could frown, he certainly would have done so at that moment. In one furious movement, he swiped the mask from the ninja's mask from the ninja's face and glared at one of his arch nemeses.

"The name's Hamato Leonardo," Leo gave something of a sardonic grin through his physical pain.

Saki gave a thunderous snarl and backhanded the turtle on the cheekbone so ferociously, the crack of hard bone on hard bone echoed sickeningly throughout the whole room. Leo let out another cry and fell backwards and landed awkwardly on his bleeding wound.

Keiji stared at the turtle writhing in agony on the floor, completely helpless, as the boy's master continuously beat it mercilessly. He had never felt so sorry for a creature before in his life.

Saki had always told them the turtles were evil, merciless and would not hesitate in killing him cruelly if the opportunity rose. Being newly initiated, Keiji had never actually fought them so he did not yet know if it was true.

By the looks it, it most definitely wasn't. This turtle, Leonardo, had risked his life for Keiji, and the boy was eternally grateful. And Leonardo had also spoke nothing but kindness in his hour of need. Keiji knew then following his father's footsteps and pledging alliance to Oroku Saki had been the biggest mistake of his life?

"Stop it!" The human teen yelled at the top of his lungs.

He jumped to his feet and tore off his mask. His face was very handsome, but the tanned skin was tearstained and yet more fell from his eyes. The distressed pools were a bright blue, more of a cobalt to Leo's sapphire. He was slim with high cheekbones and his lips were two pink fishes in his brown sea of his skin.

Shredder halted his beatings to fix his subject with a questioning look. Keiji held his eyes almost defiantly. Leo coughed and managed to squirm onto his knees and spat out the blood from copper tasting mouth. He winced at the movement, his body already bruising and aching. His side hurt more than ever. But before the Shredder or Keiji could do anything, Leo spoke.

"You're doing it all wrong," He breathed.

"What was that freak?" Shredder hissed, half turning from Keiji and scowling at the mutant with deep disgust and detestation.

"You're hurting me all wrong," Leo said again, finally getting himself under complete control and looking up at his rival. He realised not one of the Foot ninja had moved bar Keiji.

"I seem to be doing a pretty good job actually," Saki remarked almost dryly.

Leo shook his head and let out something of a laugh. Trembling uncontrollably, he reached behind him and slid Quicksilver out of its sheath in a shiver of stainless steel. It was the first time he had felt strong enough to draw a weapon in the last thirty minutes.

He let out slowly. His eyes flickered over the Shredder's watchful gaze and Keiji's awed look. Panting, Leo raised the blade and glided it from wrist to inside elbow on his left wrist, adjacent to his wounded side. The support and elbow pad he wore snapped and fell away, revealing the deep scratches, which now had a long shallow gauge right through them.

He smiled, panting, as his familiar, life-saving energy returned to him. He rolled out his shoulder blades, flexed his biceps and rose to his feet. Surprisingly, his side wound, three great gaping gaps glaring out of his skin, did not hurt but he could still feel its presence.

It was very odd how only self-inflicted wounds had that effect on him. Perhaps it was because it assured him he was in control of his body whereas when someone else was hurting him, he misplaced that rule.

He heard Keiji let out some horrified yet fascinated gasp. The Shredder was observing him with mixed curiosity and pure new hatred. It almost made Leo laugh, to be hated as much as he himself hated.

"I told you, you were going about it wrong," When he spoke his voice was steady, quiet yet clear. It reached every corner of the silent room, despite its low tone.

"Your method is…questionable," Saki stated wryly.

In answer, Leo sidestepped to the right, feinted for a nearby ninja and instead rapped another lightly on the side of the head, not heavy enough to kill him, but hard enough to knock him motionless. Leo smirked at the Shredder. His speed and power were still the same, if not better, and his wound did not hinder him.

It was as if their comrade's fall was like the passing of small stones that erupted an avalanche in the strongest of mountains, and the Foot ninjas surged forwards like an angry black and red tempest blur.

Leo had to admire their determination. But he supposed they had to be, with a master like the Shredder. He began to block and dodge and strike and hit, all the while defending his wounded side.

"Halt! I said HALT!" The Shredder screamed at his subjects.

As one, the offending adversaries froze in their tracks and faced their master in shame-faced obedience. Livid, he ordered them out and glumly they did as they were told, knowing they were in for it later. Keiji made to join them but Saki caught him around the chest and harshly tossed him backwards. Slammed up against the wall, the boy gulped. He was a goner.

Leo slotted a still dripping Quicksilver back into its sheath. It had been hard moving around in that uniform and now it was starting to itch and sting his wound. He stood and faced the Shredder calmly, although he was dying to just tear the alien limb from limb with his bare hands.

"Did you ever expect me to come after you Saki? Did you ever expect me to repay you for what you did?" He whispered sinisterly.

"Somewhat. You see turtle, I guessed your weak, primitive brain wouldn't able to handle what you did," The Utrom drawled lazily. Leo growled.

"What _I _did? I didn't do anything!" He declared heatedly.

"Of course you did. What's wrong? Don't you remember that lovely summer night nine months ago?" Saki smirked.

"How can I forget?" Leo commented almost deprecatingly.

"Then you'll also remember I was the one who did nothing," Saki corrected calmly. Keiji frowned. What were they talking about?

"Yes you did!" Leo yelled at the top of his voice, his throat and eyes burning. He could tell he was going to cry soon, after months of bottling it all up.

"It was your fault Leonardo. _You _did it," The Shredder said solemnly.

"Don't you dare say it!" Leo cried shrilly, his voice high as he fought the threatening tears.

"You kill-"

Leo screamed and dived forwards, fists raised, heart pumping. Saki was lying! Before he could even land a blow, Shredder punched him hard in his wound and Leo fell away, faltering in pain. What dishonour!

Whilst his enemy was down, Sami spun upon the boy and grabbed the shocked, defenceless youth. He jammed his bladed hand to Keiji's throat and twisted his little arm, around his back, to cease the boy's struggle. Leo had recovered and watched in cold-blooded horror.

"Move and the boy dies," Saki whispered darkly.

Leo did not move a muscle and yet Saki's hand jutted forwards through the boy's neck anyway.

"KEIJI!"

To Be Continued

A.N: Lol sorry about the cliffy but I love putting to see your reactions. How about telling me what ya'll think? Another update should be up in a week so until much love!


	10. Grey Like The Gloomy Sky

A.N: Hey you guys! How are ya? There's not gonna be many more chapters after this by the way lol so you're all gonna know the truth soon! Please review and take it easy guys.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Ten

Grey Like The Gloomy Sky

"Fuckin' let me through Karai before I knock your head off," Raph growled menacingly at the female before him.

He had to admit; she was extremely pretty, for a human of course. It turned out Leo had chosen to slaughter the Shredder when he and Karai were supposed to attend a formal gala involving the mayor and politics. And it also turned out Raph had found Karai…in a dress.

He had never really considered her as female, an evil bitch maybe, but not an actual female. He certainly did now. Her black cropped hair was tied up with a number of hairpins and fake flowers. Her pretty face was made up and Raph realised she had deep, intense emerald eyes, a darker, troubled green than Mike's, who's was more shimmery and light hearted. Her figure was emphasised with a long, flowing blood red dress, which flared in contrast to her hair.

But Raph could think nothing more of her than a cold-hearted traitor, despite physical attractions. And his current mood wasn't helping their relationship any.

"I cannot allow that Raphael. How you got in here beats me," She stated calmly in her thick Japanese accent, hands on hips, totally cool. She so reminded him of his elder brother at times.

"It doesn't mattah how I got in here! What mattahs is my bro's trying to murder your fucked up in the head master after doing god knows what to himself thanks to your fucked up in the head master!" He fumed, hands gripping the hilts of his sais so tightly, the harsh material burnt his palms.

"I don't know what you're talking about," She frowned. "My master-"

"Fuckin' killed our dad, injured Mike and sent Leo on a crash course to self-harming hell!" He interrupted irately.

"Leonardo?" She questioned curiously.

"Yeah, Leonardo," Raph agreed slowly.

He faltered and watched the flickering war of emotions take place on her young and beautiful face. He identified each one easily thanks to the intensity of each feeling and pondered them interestedly. In fact, he was almost surprised to see so many emotions experienced in such a short amount of time.

He watched as her green almond shaped eyes widened in shock. He watched as her face contorted with worry. He watched as she clamped her scarlet lips between her pearly teeth in anticipation. He watched as her brows furrowed with anger. And he watched as her eyes shone with a sad love.

He almost shook his head in disbelief. Did he really just see _that _flash across her face, or was he seeing things? He must be. He watched her very carefully however as she tried to compose herself.

"My…my master has nothing to do with your family falling apart," She declared defiantly. This statement alone made him forget all about his watch on her emotions and blow up with anger again.

"Bullshit! Fuckin' bullshit Karai! You know exactly what I'm talkin' about!" He stormed.

"I do not Raphael. Now go, before I make you," She hissed threateningly.

"Don't give me that make me leave crap, bitch. I'm here fer Leo 'n' no one else!" Raph snapped.

"I wouldn't talk to me like me like that if I were you," She warned.

"I'll talk to whomever I want however I want," He huffed. She was reminding him even more of Leonardo.

"Did you kiss your father with that mouth?" She asked tauntingly, eyeing him from under made up eyes.

"Don't you ever talk about Master Splinter," Raph growled, his voice soaked in venom.

"One would think it would be your older brother you forbid from talking about him, no?" She asked slyly.

"What _are _you on about?" Raph scowled, squeezing his sai hilts and wishing they were her neck.

"You mean you don't know?" Her blood red lips split into an irresistible smirk.

"Know what?" Raph demanded impatiently. Just as always, one of the things he hated most was people keeping secrets from him.

"I'm not sure if it's a secret I'd like to divulge, but—" She trailed her last word, rolling it on the tip of her tongue, enjoying watching his rage build.

"Spit it out!" Raph ordered mercilessly through gritted teeth.

Raph feared the words that were going to emerge from that cute mouth. He knew they were to do with his father and his brother. He also feared it had something to do with that horrid nightmare.

Slowly, almost seducing, the young woman walked upto the turtle, her stiletto heels clicked on the tiled floor of the abandoned tech room. Raph didn't give her the satisfaction of looking into her eyes. She carried on walking until she was mere centimetres from him, and his eye level was on her bust.

But Raph wasn't looking there. He was looking right through her, imagining the dimly lit wall instead of the creamy skin revealed by the low neckline of the dress. He felt her finger curl around his chin, her painted nail dug into his flesh. She lifted his head and made him look her in the eye. Chocolate met midnight emerald.

He watched her lips form the words clearly and slowly and he watched her outlined eyes shimmer with what he did not know. He flickered sight from her eyes, to her lips, to her eyes again, both equally beautiful and deadly.

"Leonardo. Kill--"

"KEIJI!"

A distressed male voice screamed a name and it echoed throughout the room, reverberating awfully on the walls. Both heads snapped towards the direction the voice originated from. From the sounds of it, it was only a few doors down. Raph recognised that voice.

"Leo!" He leapt forwards towards the back door desperately.

Karai stuck her foot out and hooked it around the turtle's ankle. Raph lost his footing and collapsed to the hard floor with a hideous crash. His shell skidded on the floor and slid him full force into the wall. He groaned and rolled over to look into Karai's eyes.

She peered almost pitifully down on him, her delicate looking hand resting on a huge pile of crates. Raph knew if _they _fell on him, he'd have a very biiiig headache in the morning.

For some reason, he found he couldn't move one inch. He tried not to look up in anxiety, although he could feel it churning around inside him. He knew she was itching to throw those boxes on him.

"Your brother is not the honourable warrior you think he is Raphael," She informed him quietly, and forcefully pushed her hand forward.

Raph's eyes widened, terrified, as the crates began to creak and shake. She pushed harder and they toppled. Raph's last thoughts were 'That fuckin' evil bitch!' as he was buried and knocked unconscious.

Karai waited for the last of the dust to settle, knowing not even Hun would be able to climb straight back up after all those thundering down on him.

It didn't make her feel bad. She knew Raph was robust, and would only suffer a few bruises and a bumped head, it wasn't fatal. It didn't giver her pleasure though either. She simply did what she had to do, whether she executed or not. There was no room for emotion in her line of work.

But some things were unnecessary, like drastically injuring or even assassinating Raphael. She hadn't even planned on shoving those crates on him, which contained light television sets, stolen of course, by the way.

She had planned, however, on attending this formal gala and having a good time, seducing some worthless politicians, letting them think they stood a chance. These dreary gatherings could be made quite thrilling by seeing how far you could go underneath the buffet table.

But something had interfered with those plans, and that was obviously Raphael's coming. She had wanted to get rid of him without a fuss, meet her master and attend that convention. So far, she'd disposed of him without a commotion.

But she no longer wanted to be present at the congregation. She wanted to turn detective and do some investigating. First the 'self-harming hell' Leo had fallen into that Raph had described. And secondly, what was going on next-door and why the turtle had yelled out the name of the young, impressive, and extremely handsome, new initiate.

To be frank, she was more than drawn to the eldest turtle. He was most unlike anyone she had ever met before. She wasn't drawn like this to any of his brothers, Raphael had too much of a temper, Michelangelo was too immature and Donatello, in her opinion, was too much like a reclusive, but peaceful and kindly, geek.

Leonardo however, was honourable, noble and gentle. That was what she had picked up from the small amount of time she had spent in his presence. It certainly wasn't a desire for bedtime fun like her politician conquests. So what exactly was it?

She did admire all of his qualities, his nobility, his kindness, his mercy, his generosity, his swordsmanship, even his determined stubbornness. And there was something about his eyes, those piercing sapphire eyes that seemed to go deep down into the depths of your very soul. He more than intrigued her.

Leonardo watched in sick fascination. His revolted eyes trailed the path the boy's head made as it dropped like a stone from its body and rolled along the floor, leaving a track of blood like some grotesque snail. The turtle's eyes fixated on those of the boy's, cold and deprived of life. Both mouths were wide open, one due to shock and the other due to snatched control of his brain.

Leo gulped, his skin ghastly pale. Veins and arteries and Daimyo knows what puked out blood and the glistening white spine bone shone out through the sea of red.

The Shredder carelessly tossed the body aside. It gave one last twitch as its nerve systems totally shut down. Leo let out a cry of repulsion and leapt backwards as the warm liquid reached his toes. This was becoming unbearably familiar, like he was reliving it all over again.

This sight was enough to send even Donny, Mike and Raph, the strongest people he knew, reeling for a counsellor, or a different memory release. Leo collapsed to his knees and droplets of blood splashed up his thighs.

Where he almost cried just a few minutes ago, he couldn't now, not even if he wanted to. He was just not physically able to release the tears. It was like the sight of that gruesome murder alone was enough to deprive him of all his senses. It was just like it was nine months ago, only nowhere near as bad.

"Yet another worthless life you could have spared," The Shredder growled sloppily.

"What? No, no," Leo mumbled, unhinged.

Saki glanced up at the door beside him as it was flung open. He watched Karai enter and piece the scene together as best she could. He felt just a little pride to see her display no emotion whatsoever at the sight of a beheaded body and a turtle knelt in a pool of blood. Only a little pride though.

"Master?" She probed.

"You are dismissed Karai," Was all Saki said to her, turning back to the reptile now running his fingers through the human fluid.

"Yes master," She threw one last look at Leo before going back into the room she had came from. He hadn't even acknowledged her presence, and that hurt to some degree.

"I couldn't, I…" It seemed as if Leo could hardly string a sentence together, stuttering and trembling in his broken state of mind.

"You're a murderer," Saki hissed almost gleefully. Nothing gave him more pleasure than seeing his enemy on his knees before him, severely wounded and almost emotionally shattered. That almost could be taken care of.

"NO! It was you, _you _killed Sensei, and Mike, and Keiji, you, not me, not me," Leo argued, his voice dropping to a mere whisper. For some reason, he could only stare into the said boy's dead eyes, not his foe's gleaming red ones.

"I only made the killing blow to a subject who was mine to do whatever I pleased, he was insignificant. You, on the other hand—"

"Don't you dare say it!" Leo repeated vociferously and heatedly, looking up at last, his eyes snapping in vehemence.

Saki said nothing. He took a few steps forward. His boots splashed in the puddles and thick, scarlet juice splattered up the black material. He crouched on his haunches and for the second time that night, lifted Leo's chin with his sticky claw.

"Are you ready to join your master and brother Leonardo?" He asked passively, Leo's malicious glower not phasing him one bit.

"I will not let you kill me Shredder, not whilst Raphael and Donatello still live and blood still runs through my veins," Leo said just as inertly, his voice clear yet lethal.

"Well, we'll just have to get rid of all those factors, won't we?" Saki questioned almost cheerfully. "Get up!" He commanded ruthlessly, climbing to his feet himself.

Slowly, warily, Leo obeyed. The whole of his legs below the knee and his hands were stained scarlet. They began to itch as air hit the wet areas and tried to dry them. He watched his stationary rival as vigilantly as a mother hen would her chicks. But he was no mother hen, and Saki certainly wasn't a chick.

"Draw your weapons," Saki snapped.

Again, Leo abided. His swords slid easily out of their shelters, despite one being caked in dried blood. He'd had those swords since he was fifteen. They meant everything to him; they even bound his brother to him. But he had never imagined them to become killers.

"We shall duel a duel to the death. The only rule is, there are no rules," Saki flicked his claw and blood sploshed onto the floor. Leo opened his mouth to disagree then thought better of it.

Already the Utrom was displaying poor ninja-ship; he demanded a fight with a wounded warrior. He would not fire up a skirmish whilst his opponent was in full health in fear of defeat. It was an unfair fight before it had even begun, and our hero had the disadvantage.

Without warning, Shredder leapt forwards and a swift backward bound saved Leo's throat. If he hadn't have been suspiciously eyeing Saki's torso for his movements, he would have gone the same way as Keiji.

Leo feinted forwards and did a series of swift, simple manoeuvres, trying to wear Shredder down. He knew he had better speed and a weaker power, but he was also wounded. And it constantly twinged, reminding him of its ugly presence.

Saki mentally cursed as Leo moved even quicker, first one sword then the other. He was finding it hard to keep up with only his bladed hand to defend sufficiently with. The constant vibrations of steel clanging on steel was making his robotic arm shake all the way down to the centre control point. This had to stop, before he got motion sickness and threw up all over his interior décor.

With a frustrated roar, he brought his bladed hand back under Leo's defence and sliced him across the face. Leo fell back with a cry; three clean and shallow slashes ran down the left side of his face, narrowly missing his eye and down his lips to his chin in a diagonal cut.

Both were panting greatly, both were examining circumspectly. Leo was just debating whether or not he should attack, spitting disgusting coppery blood out of his mouth at the same time, when Saki decided for him.

It was almost as if it was happening in slow motion. Saki charged at him, crimson claw poised. And Leo just stood his ground, waiting for him to come. He could hear the pounding of his footsteps, the ploosh of blood as it ran down his cheeks and speckled his plastron. He could feel the blood dribbling down his chin and side, his heart thumping his chest like a drum. He could taste the copper on his tongue, even a bit of vomit creeping up his throat. He could smell the scent of blood as it stung his nostrils and his own breath, snaking out in panting tendrils.

Then when Saki was more or less upon him, ready to carve his head clean off his shoulders, Leo ducked as quick as a flash, swept Saki off his feet and swiped his katana through the being's midriff. Shredder clashed onto the floor on his back. Leo instantly held the tip of his blade to the place where the revealed Utrom's nose should be.

It had been a good hit. It struck straight through the Utrom's armour (That was where it was weakest astoundingly) and that had fell apart as the creature stumbled, enlightening the dark, pinky red alien being. It also snipped through its tender flesh, giving it a similar hurt to Leo's.

Now, its own purple blood oozed down the katana and onto its face, just like Saki's blade had done to Leo. It eyed the turtle with untainted loathing and even a little bit of fright Leo was satisfied to see.

"I could kill you, as it was a fight to the death, but-" Leo eased Quicksilver away from the extraterrestrial and back into its sheath and kept Rapid-fire in its neutral position by his side. "But I'm not a murderer," He declared emotionlessly.

He turned on his heel to march off absentmindedly towards the door Karai had retreated through moments earlier. Perhaps it was the heavier breathing, perhaps it was the scrape of metal as it was dragged up off the floor, or perhaps it was just gut instinct. But whatever it was caused him to ram Rapid-fire with as much power as he could muster behind him. And it was a good job he did too.

He let go of the hilt as if it was white hot when he felt the blade jam into something solid. He spun, heart hammering, to see the extent of the damage. He'd eradicated Oroku Saki.

Rapid-fire was lodged into the creature from outer space, straight between its stunned and aghast eyes. Wine coloured blood spurted in torrents from the hole and flowed to the floor, merging with the red of Keiji's.

Leo yanked out his sword and watched in staggered silence. Blood gurgled out of the creature's mouth like some nauseating tinted vomit. The knife dropped out of its mechanical hand as the being lost control of its own body, let alone another. It collapsed sideways onto the floor with a stare as dead and blank as Keiji's. Leo gulped.

He'd slain another. He'd eliminated Oroku Saki, the Shredder, his arch nemesis. Once a murderer, always a murderer.

To Be Continued

A.N: Aw my poor Leo//Glomps him/ Lol. Hehe hope ya'll enjoyed! Take it easy people and see ya around. Much love until next time!


	11. Red Like The Water From My Eyes

A.N: Heya! Lol sorry about the bad portrayal of Karai but I truly dislike her, even she's not been in these series much. By the way, I live in the UK and we've only just started season 3, which sucks, but oh well. And thank you so much whoever nominated Casts and Crutches for the best comedy in the TMNT Fanfiction Awards 205, it means so much to me! You guys are the greatest. I'm not too sure about how the voting goes, but if you guys know, can ya tell me so I can vote for all those great stories out there! Cheers guys and here's chapter eleven.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Eleven

Red Like The Water From My Eyes

Leonardo finally decided he'd had enough of staring at the gruesome body, but what was he supposed to do now? He achieved one of his life goals at the tender age of just eighteen. What the shell was he going to do now?

He felt empty, like a part of him had been stripped from him the moment Rapid-fire lodged into the evil creature. His reason for living, his only reason for living, was to protect his brothers. And now he'd destroyed the main threat in a matter of minutes, he just felt incomplete, not whole.

Perhaps Raphael and Donatello had no need him now. He knew they could more than handle themselves in silly scuffles with Purple Dragons, and even the odd Foot ninjas. He knew Splinter's death had sobered Raphael's hotheadedness to a point where he would at least think about all the situations he was in, and that was more than a great accomplishment.

And as for Donny, he could be just as much as a recluse as Raph could be, sometimes more, but the brothers had a strong bond, Leo knew they would survive.

But he had one more job to do. His reason for life was only ninety per cent eliminated. His remaining brothers just needed a little comfort in their time of need. They would get over Mikey's death, if it was the last thing he did. They could count on it.

Leo turned from Saki's body and locked eyes with Keiji. He was such a young, innocent soul, a little misguided, but that could have been easily remedied. His heart had gone out for the boy but Leo did not yet know why.

Perhaps it was because he reminded him a little of himself. They had both made mistakes, only Keiji's could be made right, and Leo didn't want him to die regretting the decision he made when he turned sixteen. Leo had been offered the same position when he was almost sixteen but he had turned it down. He had often wondered, since Splinter's death, had he accepted to join Saki's team, would things still be the same now?

But what was done was done. There was no changing the past. Splinter was dead. Mike was dead. Keiji was dead.

By defeating Shredder, Leo felt Keiji's death had been avenged along with Mike's. But not Splinter's. That was almost avenged, but not quite. Soon, he would repay his father, and he could finally get over his death.

In a last mark of respect to the young boy, Leo tore a drape from the wall and laid it over the boy's body. He took the severed head and gently kissed his forehead, not at all creeped out by the fact he had picked up a head attached to no body. He tenderly laid Keiji's head next to his body, and pulled the red velvet sheet over. Thankfully it would hide the blood.

Leo sighed and wearily wiped his face, leaving a bloody smudge from the three sore scratches. He dreaded going home. He knew his distraught brothers would want an explanation for his extreme break in character but what was he supposed to say? And how can he explain the wine coloured blood stained on his feet with human blood also? And the three huge holes in his side and the scratches across his face?

Now he thought about it, he was pretty lucky his left eye had made a narrow escape. The middle cut began just mere millimetres from his eye. It had cut his lip too, and it continued to sting with the constant moisture received by licking them hesitantly when they were dry. But he didn't mind.

He'd better make a move; grieving brothers didn't console themselves, although it would save him a nightmarish job. But it had to be done. It would be his last duty as their brother, their protector.

Mind made up and suddenly feeling incredibly sleepy and old, yet determined and prepared, Leo strode towards the door he had first intended to venture through before Shredder had decided a knife in the back of his throat would look quite appealing. He thought a back door would be much quieter to flee from.

As soon as his hand rested on the knob, he knew a full army of Foot ninja would be easier to battle through than whatever lay beyond that door. But he felt whatever it was; he had to see it through. A force was pulling him towards that door stronger than the one that had roped him to Keiji. Who was he to deny such energy? Indomitably, he twisted the handle and eased the door open.

Stepping inside, Leo uninterestedly glanced around. It was an abandoned tech room used for storage; gathering from all the crates stacked everywhere. Computers sat housing dust and a lamp, glowing dimly, hung from the ceiling. He saw the figure lying stock still on a couple of crates before he saw the moving figure perched on top of a computer.

"Raph!"

Leo darted forwards to his brother lying atop the crates. Ugly bruises and a few cuts littered his body in purply blue and red hues. A particularly large one decorated the top of his head. Leo instantly snatched his clammy hand and emotional fireworks exploded in his head, worry, anger, regret, sadness. But he let out a grateful breath of relief he didn't know he was holding as the red clad turtle's chest rose and fell steadily, almost peacefully.

"He is fine, just taking a nap," A female voice informed him, her tone ringing with subtle amusement.

Leo spun round on his heel so fast his bandana whipped his cheeks in a high wind. He frowned slightly at Karai, who was watching him as closely as he was she. Each of their faces were emotionless, almost cold, refusing to back down and let the other in.

He vaguely registered in his head how stunning she looked, but Leo hated her with a passion. He used to pity her for being raised by the Shredder. But now he knew she was ruthless and dishonourable, a treacherous slut. And he cared nothing for her.

She took note of his body warily. He was deeply wounded, and obviously exhausted, mentally and physically. He was in no fit state for another state. But he was still wearing the Foot outfit, so she could not see the extent of the damage.

For once she felt guilt and compassion. She could not understand why the murders were getting to him so harshly. If he had to do them, and he had no choice, what was the point in dwelling on them? She didn't, so why did he?

"What happened to him?" He asked quietly and clearly, eyeing her suspiciously.

"A few crates fell on him is all, nothing predominantly entertaining. I wanted to see how long he was out for. So far, it's been around forty minutes," She explained coolly, unfazed by his critical glare.

"You are heartless, you know that?" Leo spat, disgusted.

"A good warrior lets nothing bother them. But I'm not totally heartless," She corrected calmly. Leo knew, after nineteen years of doing it himself, that she was hiding a war of feelings behind that face.

"Oh yeah? Prove it?" Leo snarled.

"Very well,"

Karai slid off the huge computer keyboard and put her weight on the floor, her heels clicked musically on the tiles. A cloud of dust followed her and she patted her dress to rid it of the dirt, which floated in puffs and settled on the floor and computer again.

Leo's eyes never left hers as she walked towards him. He stood protectively over his unconscious brother, looking defiantly into her eyes. Just like she had done with Raphael, she coiled a delicate finger around his chin and held his face in place, tilted at an angle.

"My dear Leonardo," She purred sexily. She lifted her thumb and tenderly wiped the blood from his lips. She licked her own. "If I was as callous as you suggest, would I do this, and mean it, from the very bottom of my heart?" She spoke quietly, seducing, rolling her words.

Before he could question her, she had leant forwards and pressed her lips on his. She could taste the copper in the traces of blood still left in the crevices of his lips. She could feel the roughness of his weathered skin. But she couldn't feel or taste him kissing her back.

He felt nothing emotionally towards her and her recent action. He could feel the smoothness of her lipstick along with its strangely unpleasant taste. But it meant nothing to him.

He couldn't understand why she was kissing him of all people. He didn't deserve anything like this, not even from a woman like her. What was he to her? Genuinely more than a friend? Or just an interesting addition to her list of males she'd lured into bed?

Karai retreated and had the decency to withdraw her hand, avert her eyes and blush a little. Needless to say, it was the first time someone hadn't kissed her back. Leo watched her with interest, seeing a whole new side to her. But it did not waver his hatred towards her.

"You do not feel…the same way?" She murmured shyly, which was most out of character. She looked up into his blank eyes and knew his answer before he even said it.

"What way is that?" Leo wondered quietly, keeping eye contact even though she was taller than he was.

The only thought running frantically through his head was 'Please don't say love, please don't say love'. He inwardly winced, waiting for her reply.

"I'm…I'm not sure," She admitted almost sheepishly. "I've never felt like this before, like I don't want just fun. I want a…a serious, more than friendly or sexual, relationship, with you," She confessed, looking down again.

"You're right, I don't feel the same way. You're looking in the wrong place," He said in the same monotonous voice.

"Yes, I am," Boldly, as if accepting his answer proudly, which impressed a little, she held her head high. "Besides, I don't think my father would approve, nor your brothers," She smiled slightly.

This was where shame struck Leo hard. He had killed someone's father, their carer. He'd left that child on their own, whether they deserved it or not he still did it. Yes it was no different than the previous murder but it was still just as cruel.

He hazily heard her heels clacking on the floor and he whirled to watch her walk composedly towards the door leading to the Shredder's personal throne room he'd left wide open. She was just about to step through when he recovered his senses.

"Karai, wait," He endeavoured into the silence. Patiently, curiously, she turned, a delicate hand resting on the doorframe. "I...I'm not a murderer, I…I did what I had to do," He whispered, almost darkly.

She observed him a little, taking in his slightly pleading his eyes, then nodded, understanding, simply assuming he meant the incident nine months ago. She walked through the door, shutting it behind her.

Leo moved fast, he would have time to dwell on this later. He needed to get Raphael home where it was safe, and he didn't like the idea of Donatello being alone with Michelangelo's body. For Don's sake.

"Raph! Raph, c'mon, you gotta wake up!" Leo begged, gently shaking his brother.

Raph groaned, his brow creasing, and absentmindedly batted away Leo's hand with an air of sibling annoyance. Leo smiled broadly in relief.

"'M'up, 'm'up," Raph grumbled. He attempted to roll over and sit up but a sea of dizziness swept over him. He clutched his head and grabbed Leo's arm, not really registering who it was. "Man, guess I'm not up. That bitch and those fuckin' boxes! When I get my fuckin' hands on her, I'll…" He broke off, cursing and tenderly nursing his sore head.

"C'mon Raph, let's go home, we have Donny and a fallen brother to see to," Leo smiled in a mixture of sadness and fondness.

Raph finally realised and glanced up to examine his older brother. He took mental notes of the large wound in his side and the scratches on his face along with his palpable fatigue. He also recalled all the wounds Leo inflicted upon himself, hidden by the Foot outfit.

"Whoa! Are you ok bro? What happened?" He questioned, concerned, his dizziness past as he climbed to his feet.

"I'm fine. Let's just say I don't think we'll be having much trouble from Oroku Saki any longer," Leo sighed.

"You're tellin' me he's dead?" Raph grinned widely in spite of himself.

"I'll explain later. Right now, Mikey deserves the best farewell we can give him," Leo answered solemnly. Raph's grin vanished.

"Wait, Leo-"

"I know it's hard Raphael, losing one of our own, but-"

"Leo listen ter me!"

"We need to be strong. We knew it would happen someday-"

"For God's sake, Leo!"

"I'm upset too but-"

"FUCKIN' SHELL LEON, LISTEN TER ME!" Raph roared. Leo stopped and stared at his furious brother.

"I'm listening," He said quietly. Raph rolled his eyes.

"He's ok, Mike's alive, Don got him breathin' again, he's ok," He assured him, just as softly, which sounded odd compared to his previous outburst.

"What? He's ok?" Leo repeated, awestruck. Raph nodded.

"Don got him breathin' again, he says he should be ok now, not his usual self o' course, but alive," He explained.

Leo's weary features melted into a true, huge smile of relief. The movement of muscles pulled on his lips, irritating his cuts, but he didn't care one iota. His baby brother was alive, and that was all that mattered.

So the only death he had honoured was Keiji's. But that was ok; he still had one more to tribute. All he needed to do was get Raph home safely and then he could put things right.

"C'mon Leo, let's go home," Raph snaked an arm around his brother's shoulders. Leo winced as his side wound twinged particularly painfully when he moved his legs to walk. "And we'll ask Don ree-all nicely, if he can look at those wounds for you. It's a bloody miracle that one missed y'eye," Raph shook his head gratefully. Leo merely nodded and let his brother guide him.

So far so good. Raph hadn't questioned him about anything, except for his health and Shredder. There had been no interrogations about Splinter, or Karai, or his 'accident' in the kitchen. And he was more than appreciative.

Speaking of Karai, Leo could hardly believe she would say such a thing, and mean it. She actually wanted a relationship with him. But Leo could never love her, not after all the things she'd done, not after all the things he'd done. But, he thought wryly, we're well suited, we're both dishonourable warriors.

Even if he had felt the same way for her, he still couldn't be with her. First of all, his brothers would more than say something about it, and it wouldn't be fair on them. Secondly it was dangerous. Yes Karai was a very accomplished ninja, but she could be just as easy to assassinate in her sleep as a little girl. And thirdly, she was the enemy. He deserved no love, especially from her. To be honest, he didn't care anymore.

He mentally smiled, as Raphael's compassionate side was unveiled for all to see. He was so protective; he wouldn't let Leo take even a tiny step by himself. But Raph needed to be this protective with Donny and mike, not Leo. They were the ones who mattered.

Raph helped his brother best he could as he struggled down the laundry chute ladder the rebellious turtle had used to get into the building, or so it seemed, hours ago. Thankfully it led straight into the laundry room where, if luck was still with them, the maids assigned to laundry duty were still bound, gagged and unconscious, courtesy of Raphael, a few of the Foots' red belts and some clean socks. From there, it was a quiet back alley housing a manhole and a shortcut home.

"Can ya manage the walk home bruv?" He asked sympathetically as Leo eased himself down the last few rungs.

"Of course I can," Leo replied airily. Raph rolled his eyes and jumped down into the laundry room.

He smiled. It was just how he'd left it. Black and red was still swirling around in the whirring washing machines like some dark hypnotic wheel. Outfits hung on lines from the high ceiling to dry. The fat maids doing the ironing were laid near their ironing boards. The tall maid loading the washing machines was flat out in their basket. The thin pretty maid sat at the table writing out stock lists was slumped against the wooden surface. Raph had considered scrawling 'Nice jugs lady!' all over her papers but he decided against it.

It wasn't long before they were both outside in the alley, and what a shell of a relief that was. Leo took in the fresh air deeply, held his head high to receive the pouring April showers, basked in the breeze. He had half expected to never feel these things again, and who could blame him?

Raph beamed at the childlike way his brother was acting, it was a sign of the depression weakening, to him at least. To be honest, he hardly had the heart to question him about everything, but he needed answers, he deserved them. And Leo probably needed to get them off his chest.

But first things first. Raph took out his Shell Cell and dialled Don's number. He watched amusedly as Leo quietly sung to himself with the rain pattering down onto his upturned face.

"Hel…hello?" Don answered groggily. Raph grinned, he'd probably woke the poor guy up. Daimyo knows he more than deserved the rest.

"I found him,"

"What! Where! Is he ok!" Don cried, suddenly very awake.

"I'll explain everything when we get home. He's got a particularly bad side wound and some nasty scratches on his face, just missed his eye, but I think we can manage 'til we get home," Raph replied.

"Hurry home, and well done Raphael," Don sighed contentedly.

"Cheers. See you soon," Raph hung up and slid his cell back into his belt.

He watched Leo a little while longer, listening to his voice singing a lullaby Master Splinter used to sing when they were little. Raph had never taken too much interest in that song but obviously Leo had. He'd have to ask him why at a later date.

"Leo?" He ventured quietly when the song drew to a close.

"Hm?" Leo slightly turned his head to acknowledge Raph's request yet continued to relax in the downpour.

"I gotta ask you a few questions, and they need honest answers," Raph said gently yet firmly.

He watched as Leo lowered his head to look into his chocolate eyes. The rain had begun to wash away the blood from the scratches on his face, swathing him in watery scarlet liquid. He looked odd dressed in the Foot uniform and a little scary soaked in blood. But it was still his brother staring back at him, two sapphire eyes through the crimson, more sparkly and alive than they had ever been in the nine months since Splinter's death.

To Be Continued

A.N: Sorry if this is late, I got disturbed so much whilst writing it lol. Anywayz, I have a favour to ask of you besides the usual one of please reviewing. Ok, the next play my school is doing in the summer is Grease, and I'd like suggestions from those of you who feel you know me enough to suggest what character you think I should audition for. I need all the help I can get! Lol so thanks for that and keep it real! Much love until next Thursday!


	12. Black Like My Broken Heart Part One

A.N: Sorry if this is either late or not as good as usual or both. One, I've had to go see my sick great grandma during my typing time and two I've been really, really ill lately so haven't been able to concentrate much, so I apologise. I have been looking forward to writing this chapter so much so I hope ya'll enjoy it.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Twelve Part One

Black Like My Broken Heart

"What sort of questions Raphael?" Leo asked quietly. In an instant, that look of innocent pleasure vanished and was replaced by seriousness, and even a smidgeon of fear.

"You know what sort of questions Leo," Raph replied just as solemnly, watching his brother closely.

Leo let out a small sigh and let his eyes fall to the grubby floor. He knew this day would come, when Raphael would challenge him. He'd considered telling him lies, sticking to his guns and saying it was the Shredder's doing. But he couldn't say that for the rest of their lives, he wouldn't be able to do it, he'd barely coped nine months. No, they deserved the absolute truth. And that was what they were going to get.

"Do…do you mind if we sit?" He questioned shakily.

Raph eyed him carefully and decided he could really do with a sit down. He was almost visibly swaying on the spot with either fatigue or blood loss, or both. Raph smiled and bent to wrench the cover off the manhole.

"Yeah, but let's get into the sewers first," He suggested.

Raph leapt down first then raised his hands to hover near Leo's waist, ready to catch him if he stumbled. To be honest, Raph wasn't too worried about his physical state; he seemed to be managing fine so far.

No, it was his metal state Raph was stressing over. Someone who went nutso with a sword on himself after believing his brother was dead then went murderous on a much hated enemy's ass, was definitely not one hundred per cent sane in his books. And the fact that Leo was his brother, his older, responsible, calm dependable brother, made matters much worse.

"Whoa, careful there bruv," He warned, steadying his brother as he slipped down a rung. Leo groaned in frustration at himself and climbed down the rest of the way with Raph's guiding hands on his hips.

Feet set firmly on the floor, Leo collapsed against the grimy wall and slid down into a sitting position, panting and resting his pounding head on the cold brick.

Raph hauled the heavy cover back over the manhole, banishing the roaring car engines and night noises. He jumped back down to the floor and took a seat next to his brother.

"You ok?" He asked, taking note of his hands pressing against his wound in pain.

"Yeah, yeah, it comes and it goes, no biggie," Leo shrugged.

"How'd you get it?" Raph questioned quietly.

"I tried to save this kid, but Shredder killed him anyway," Leo sighed sorrowfully. He knew if he mentioned Keiji being a Foot ninja, he'd never hear the end of it.

"Why'd you try to save him?" Raph wondered. Leo would look anywhere but his eyes.

"I felt sorry for him," Leo replied. Raph sighed exasperatedly.

"Leo, ya can't go takin' hits for anyone, just 'cuz ya feel sorry for 'em," He scolded.

"I know that. It's just that he called out to me, there was something about him," Leo defended.

"Whatever. Shredder killed him anyway?" Raph let that subject go, for now.

"Yeah. He told me not to move then struck anyway, clean slice, swept his head right off his shoulders,"

Leo spoke as if the thought, or memory, didn't bother him at all. Raph didn't know whether it was because his brother was past caring, or had seen worse. But what could be worse than watching someone being beheaded? Murdering someone?

"What did you do then?" He asked softly.

"I killed him," Was the simple reply. "A life for a life,"

If this is true, Leo though sinisterly, I'd better get a move on.

Raph involuntarily shivered.

"Doesn't that mean your life has to be taken?" He pondered carefully. Leo glanced at him, knowing exactly what he was getting at.

"Just because I hurt myself Raphael, it doesn't mean I want to die," He replied coldly. Raph nodded.

"So if ya don't wanta die, why d'ya do it?" He pressed. Leo's eyes returned to his wringing hands.

"A number of reasons. You wouldn't understand," He mumbled.

"Try me," Raph scoffed indignantly. Leo sighed.

"It started months ago, after I fell and cut myself on the arm with my sword, remember? I found it gave me a false shot of battle fever, energy. I didn't care about the pain, just hurting myself enough adrenalin to keep you guys out of trouble," He explained.

"You needed the energy, because you weren't sleeping, right? Because of the nightmares, right? What were they of?" Raph probed. There was no answer at first. Then:-

"Master Splinter,"

"What about him?" Raph continued. He knew he was finally getting there, was finally cracking him, and was finally getting the truth.

"His…death," Leo breathed, almost shyly, as if frightened.

"Didn't he always say to confront our fears? Don't run away from them?" Raph reprimanded lightly.

"Shut up Raph! You don't know what you're talking about! You wouldn't sleep either if they were your nightmares!" Leo suddenly snapped.

"Care to tell me what was in them?" Raph went on, unperturbed by his brother's outburst.

"I told you. His death," Leo said callously.

"How did he die Leo? And I want the truth," Raph demanded.

Leo looked up at his brother and decided that second, he couldn't tell him the truth. One look into his concerned, determined chocolate eyes and Leo knew he couldn't shatter his world with what really happened. Raph didn't deserve it.

"I…I told you Raph, I can't go into any more detail, please don't make me," Leo urgently pleaded.

"Leo, bruv, I know that's not the truth," Raph gently placed a hand on Leo's shoulder, tenderly squeezing it in a little massage.

"It is the truth Raph, I swear!" Leo argued desperately.

"No it ain't Leo! And d'ya know how I know it ain't?" Raph growled irately. Leo just stared, heart thumping painfully. "I had a dream, right? Yeah, yeah, I know, dreams are a loada bull, but d'ya know what I saw bro? You! And Splinter on the floor, covered in blood, blood that was on _you _and _your _fuckin' katanas!" He thundered.

"It…it was just a dream Raph," Leo said hesitantly, wincing though at how horrible the words emerging from his brother's mouth were sounding.

"Tell me the truth Goddamnit!" Raph stormed.

Leo shot him a funny look and shakily climbed to his feet. Raph stayed where he was, watching as his brother turned his shell on him. He vaguely heard him mutter something inaudible.

"What!" Raph spat impatiently and furiously.

"I KILLED HIM, OK?" Leo screaming, spinning on his heel and glaring at his brother.

Raph stared in a state of shock. Had his brother just said what he thought he'd said? Sure he wondered because of the dream but he never actually believed it was real, refused to believe it was real.

Yet here Leo was standing before him, sapphire eyes finally streaming uncontrollable tears, sliding down his cheeks and landing with soft plooshes on his chest, and declaring his murder.

Leo wept at his brother's horror-struck face. But he would not plead forgiveness, he deserved whatever punch, sai, kick or anything else Raphael threw at him. And he would take it. Shell he'd even help him. He'd taken away their father. No punishment was big enough for him.

"I killed him," He half whispered, half sobbed. The salt water dribbled into the three scratches on his cheek, making them sting horrifically. But he didn't care.

"Why?" Raph demanded, eventually finding his voice. He shot to his feet and seized Leo's shoulders, shaking him harshly. "What was it Leo? Mercy killing? Was it his request to put him out of his misery?" He fumed.

"No," Leo wept, hanging his head.

"Then what was it?" Raph cried wrathfully, jolting him ruthlessly.

"It wasn't mercy, _I _did it Raph, _I _killed him, _I_ helped Shredder!" Leo yelled distraughtly in his brother's face, eyes red and sore.

"What the fuck are you talkin' about Leo?" Raph muttered darkly.

-Flashback-

"Come along Leonardo, we do not have much time," 

"**Yes Master Splinter,"**

**The elderly rat and the teenage turtle scurried through the alley, occasionally checking interesting looking trash cans for any useful items they might need. They were running low on general supplies, and didn't have the money to give to April for her to stock them up. **

**It was a typical summer's night. The air was stuffy and thick with barbeque smoke. Joyous, drunken shouts filled their ears, despite it only being around eight thirty. The smell of charcoaled meat enticed their noses, their mouths watering hungrily. The darkness had not yet fully taken reign over Manhattan, the sky was still light. **

**They had been gone an hour and a half but had scavenged hardly anything. A couple of broken radios Donny could use for spare parts, a few chipped mugs, but that was all. Leonardo was starting to lose heart.**

"**I don't like this Master Splinter. Maybe we should come back tomorrow or another day, when there is more trash," He suggest warily, juggling the bag of hunted junk. **

"**Nonsense Leonardo, tonight has plenty of helpful objects for us, we just haven't been looking hard enough," Splinter waved off his offer as airily as if it were a fly. Leo mentally sighed and followed his mentor into the next alley.**

**It was a dead end, but some promising looking trash cans and a dumpster sat at the far wall. Leo looked cagily around at the filthy, intimidating walls, realising there would be no way out if they were attacked. His master trotted almost carelessly towards the dumpster. **

"**Sensei, I have a bad feeling about this," Leo murmured, tailing the rat close. **

**The rodent was getting old now, he wasn't as nimble as he once was and was more dependent on his trusty cane. Leo wanted to protect his master to the death, that was how much he meant to him. **

"**We shall examine this dumpster Leonardo, and we shall move on if that makes you feel any better," Splinter shrugged, shifting interestedly through the smelly garbage. **

"**Yes thank you Sensei," Leo smiled gratefully a little. **

**Feeling a tad more secure, he began to aid his master searching through rotten banana peels, Chinese takeaway from three nights ago and Aunty Mabel's curry no one dared eat so they stuffed it under a dead plant in the rubbish. Leo smiled fondly; it was something his brothers would do with _his _cooking. **

**He froze. He heard something. He most definitely heard something. He glanced over at Splinter, who was scrunching his snout up, whiskers dancing, at the scent of something he'd just disturbed. Well, the rat hadn't heard anything. Was he hearing things? Maybe he was just tired.**

**No, there it was again. The very soft patter of a footstep falling upon concrete, they did not want to be heard. Leo knew it was a mistake to have gone there that night.**

"**Sensei-" He began warningly. **

**Splinter stopped what he was doing and one look at his eldest's distressed face told him to listen hard. He did so, his tatty, furry grey ears flickering in all directions. He lifted his nose high into the air, to try to catch even the slightest of smells that might be carried by an almost non-existent wind. His tail lashed and his eyes flashed and Leo knew he was right.**

"**Luck may be against them this hour. You were correct, we never should have journeyed here tonight," The rat whispered almost sinisterly.**

"**What do we do Sensei?" Leo questioned quietly.**

"**What would your strategy be my son?" Splinter asked.**

"**Make for the nearest manhole, sticking as much to the shadows as possible," Leo suggested shyly. Splinter nodded. **

"**Then that is what we shall do," He agreed.**

**Leo blinked in confusion but recovered swiftly and began to follow his master towards the opening of the alley, keeping to the darkness as much as they could. **

"**Prepare yourself Leonardo, we may have to fight," The rat warned. Leo only nodded, cursing inwardly.**

**They sprinted silently in the shadows for another good couple of streets, avoiding the light of the moon that was gradually starting to shroud Manhattan. But tonight she, sadly, was their enemy, and Leo couldn't bask in her glorious milky glow like he loved.**

**Fully expecting to turn right at the end of the street, Leo was very surprised to see his Sensei carry on running. They were being chased, it was obvious now. Scores of ninjas scoured the rooftops like demons. He knew it would only be a matter of time before they were jumped. **

"**Sensei, where are we going" He asked almost cautiously.**

"**Excuse me?" Splinter frowned, his claws scraping the grimy concrete floor as he ran. **

"**Well, the nearest manhole we could use is down by Seventh Street," Leo pointed out breathlessly. **

"**Seventh? But what is wrong with this one my son?" Splinter questioned.**

"**It's blocked off, remember Sensei? It's the one we used to use before the Mousers trashed our old place three years ago," Leo explained.**

"**Oh yes! Curse my old memory. We shall have to-" Splinter spun on his heel but never got to finish his sentence due to shock.**

**They were surrounded. Ninjas in black bearing the hated Foot symbol sneered at them from all sides. There was no escape from the floor. Leo eyed their formations suspiciously. There were at least fifty of them, blocking all of the openings into the streets. They were cornered like rats, excuse the pun. **

"**Backtrack," Leo finished grimly. **

"**Leonardo, above you," Splinter hissed, indicating upwards briefly with his beady black eyes.**

**As discreetly as possible, Leo glanced up. A washing line hung directly above them, placed well for him to grab and vault onto the iron balcony leading up to the roof. It was their only chance of escape, they were far too outnumbered. **

"**Sensei," Leo nodded towards his outstretched hand.**

**As soon as Splinter placed his small claw in Leo's large three-fingered hand, the ninjas surged forwards menacingly. They slipped out katanas and bos and nunchucks and shuriken. The metal glinted in the moonlight. **

"**Gotta split guys!"**

**Leo heaved himself upwards on the strong wire line, surprised it could hold him, split kicked two offending ninjas sock in the face and swung Master Splinter onto the iron veranda all at the same time. Panting in shock and disbelief ant his good fortune, he scrambled over to join the rat. The turtle urged him up the ladder instantly; the ninjas liked his technique and were eager to try it out for themselves. **

**Coming out on the rooftop, Leo knew running would have a slim chance of success too; there were just as many foes on the roof, most likely more. Leo hurriedly glanced around. Risk fighting or run? He didn't want to try his Sensei out in a battle and he could always pick him up if running got too much. **

"**Sensei, this way!" Leo seized his hand and dragged him around.**

**Once Splinter had gotten over his initial amazement, he recovered his feet and began sprinting himself. He was getting quite hot in his fur and kimono, and it was no comfort his son was drenched. He was worried sick; he didn't have to be a well skilled ninja master to know Leonardo feared for their lives.**

"**Leonardo, I will not be able to make this jump," He protested over the slaps and squelches of their feet smacking the rooftop. They were coming to an alley, and needed to jump if they were to clear it.**

"**You have to Sensei!" Leo argued, sparing a glimpse back and wishing he hadn't. The stampede was getting closer.**

"**Leonardo!"**

**Splinter let out a cry of bewilderment as his son grabbed him around the waist and swept him off his feet. He was even more astonished when Leo scaled the wide gap clearly, and continued sprinting for their lives, not setting his master back on the floor to run for himself. **

"**Leonardo, you know where they are herding us, yes?" Splinter sighed. **

"**Yes Sensei but we have no choice. I will not risk battle whilst we are so outnumbered. We have a chance of escaping this way," Leo answered, tightening his grip almost protectively. **

"**You will do well Leonardo, I am sure of it," The rat smiled.**

**Leo didn't have the opportunity to question him. The Shredder building was dead ahead. He couldn't change direction; there were deadly ninjas on all sides, thirsty for their blood. He had no choice. Leaping desperately, he launched himself onto his enemy's lair.**

**He skidded to a halt when the shadows changed shape. Minions emerged from everywhere, the skylight, the elevator, under the bridge, out of the water in the little koi pond, everywhere. The ninjas following them joined the fray, weapons poised like the teeth of some ugly shadow demon. **

**Dourly, Leo set his master down, who was glad to place two feet upon solid ground again. He surveyed the scene with an air of gloomy determination, which Leo reflected. In a breath of steel, Leo withdrew his swords and crossed them before him, adjusting his hold comfortably. His feeling of dread intensified. He just knew something was going to go drastically wrong, which is why he wanted to avoid a fight at all costs. **

"**I feel running is no longer an option Leonardo." Splinter whispered darkly.**

Flashback To Be Continued –

A.N: Wahoo! Omg, I have five minutes in English time to update this thing, otherwise it won't be Thursday lolness. So yeah I'll hurry this. Please R and R and tell me what you think, thank you! Loves you all muchly!


	13. Black Like My Broken Heart Part Two

A.N: Heya, sorry if this is late guys. Won't keep you any longer. Here's chapter thirteen and some answers. And I don't own the brilliant Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Thirteen

Black Like My Broken Heart Part II

-Flashback Continued-

**Leonardo blinked the sweat out of his eyes desperately. So far he'd been lucky, he'd been hit with no sharp edges, only bruising wood. But if that was lucky, he wondered what state he'd be in if he'd been unlucky. He spun Rapid-fire in a butterfly sweep and brutally severed the attacker's hand. Blood rained and the offender's katana clattered to the floor. **

**Feeling yet another wave of grief swamp him, Leo ran a hand over his forehead and flicked away the salty sweat. He snuck a glimpse over at his Sensei. Splinter was not faring well. His old body was tired, unresponsive to his determined mind. If Leo was getting weary, the rat must be exhausted.**

**Filled with a bubbling courage dedicated to saving his beloved master's life, Leonardo attacked with new fervour. He needed a way to keep his mind from wandering to his Sensei; he would be no help distracted. He cast his frantic mind around, trying to block a menacing looking five-inch long bladed bostaff. **

"**_And I'd give up forever to touch you_," Leo panted, trying to keep the tune as he dived in and battle. It was difficult, but it was better than worrying.**

"'**_Cause I know that you feel me somehow_," He tried to imagine the chords, trying to flow like the music, fluent with his movements. **

"**_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_," Leo closed his eyes now, moving like leaves spinning through the air in the darkness. **

"**_And I don't wanna go home right now_," He listened intently for his opponent's light breathing, he felt intently for the rush of air from their actions.**

"**_An' all I can taste is this moment_," His enemies hardly saw him move, he was just a green, blue and silver blur in the pounding rain. **

"**_And all I can breathe is your life_," Splinter listened to his son sing, his voice was louder than the sound of the rain pattering on the concrete. It was his motivation.**

"**_Sooner or later it's over_," The turtle was gasping for breath but he kept the tune and notes, striking in rhythm with his swords.**

"**_And I don't wanna miss you tonight_," He loved this song, it was a part of him after constant quiet playing late at night. **

"**_And I don't want the world to see me_," Starting on the chorus, he sung and attacked with more angry energy, eyes clenched shut but no disability.**

"'**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_," The rain merged with his sweat. His body was boiling hot. He hardly felt the grit digging into his feet.**

"**_When everything's made to be broken_," He didn't notice the blood splattering his body from the beings he cut, even though it was thicker and stickier than the raining water. He was far too focussed. **

"**_I just want you to know who I am_," He could tell enemies by their ki, big, black and ugly like evil itself. His Sensei's was pure white, radiating honour and bravery. If only he could match it. **

"**_And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'_," That was an appropriate moment, his eyes were burning with the intense, disgusting scent of blood. **

"**_Or the moment of truth in your lies_," He sensed a cold object, probably steel, swimming through the air towards him. **

"**_When everything feels like the movies_," He thrust his left sword upwards in a rising block and lunged with the other.**

"**_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_," He sung his favourite line with as much passion as possible, feeling the warm goo ooze down his arm from the wound with a sword jammed in.**

"**_And I don't want the world to see me_," He jutted his arm to the side, wrenching his sword from the body with a little difficulty as the blade collided with internal organs and tough flesh.**

"'**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_," He was really growing tired now. How long had they been fighting? An hour? Two hours? It felt like a lifetime, and he hated it. But in some twisted way, he loved protecting his Sensei; it was what he lived for.**

"**_When everything's made to be broken_," He could tell their numbers were dropping, along with his and his master's strength. He could feel the rat's ki fading, and his distressed cries and shattered pants only sadly reinforced this. **

"**_I just want you to know who I am_," He re-enacted the guitar solo that followed in his head, moving his swords in time to the strumming strings.**

"**_And I don't want the world to see me_," He began his singing again after a couple of minutes' silence on the outside save for his panting, his foes' shocked and pained cries and his swords' screams. Inside his head he'd played the solo full blast. **

"'**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_," His muscles were begging him to stop after reaching their physical limits. But he couldn't stop now, the song was just reaching its peak, and he had his Sensei's life to defend.**

"**_When everything's made to be broken_," He felt pain pierce his back as he twisted in an unnatural position to save his throat. But he didn't care because as soon as he felt the sharp edge whistle past him, he whipped his arm back and diced across his enemy's stomach.**

"**_I just want you to know who I am_," He danced in the rain, knowing, as the song would end, the battle would too. He had no idea how wrong he was.**

"**_I just want you to know who I am_," He didn't sense the dark ki threatening to envelope him; he was too wrapped up in the climax of the song and the fight. Or if he did, there would be nothing he could do to escape.**

"**_I just want you to _–"**

"**LEONARDO!" **

**Leo's eyes snapped wide open. He didn't have time to take in all the bloody puddles or the fallen, moaning bodies swamping the floor. He just saw Shredder looming before him, wielding his claw high. He didn't have time to defend himself; his katanas were lying limp beside him by his slack arms. He watched the three-pronged weapon glide towards him in open-mouthed horror. This was it, he was going to die.**

**He grit his teeth and let out a muffled cry. He'd seen the silver steel glint as if wet just before they struck. As they sunk into his fleshy shoulder, he suspected it was simply dirty rainwater. **

**As he collapsed, his whole body tingled and grew numb as he expected, yet his mind stayed well awake. He pondered things as he lay face down in a red puddle that smelt strongly of copper. He was alive, yet unmoving, had full control of his mind and senses (Except touch) but he couldn't even feel pain.**

**If he could have laughed he would have with the genius of it all. It hadn't been rainwater he saw glimmer on the steel, it was a form of paralysis-inducing liquid. Donny had told them about it when it was on the news once. It was recently commonly used as a date rape drug, slipped to ladies in their drinks. It would take a while for the liquid to get into their system but when it did, the victim lost all control and feeling of their bodies. **

**As Leo's had been injected through a wound, the drug went straight into his bloodstream, therefore having instant effects. And depending on the strength of this particular dosage, he could be out for hours. The mildest form lasted around thirty minutes but Leo knew Saki wanted him down for a good deal longer than half an hour. **

**His eyesight shifted and he realised his head was being moved, his view couldn't have been to Saki's pleasure. If they could, his eyes would have widened in horror and his mouth would be open to yell obscenities to the dishonourable worms that overpowered his master.**

**The rat was stuck tight; hands held painfully tight behind his back, his head pulled brutally back by his short fur. His kimono was hanging off his shoulders and his cane was on the floor, snapped in half and forgotten. **

**It happened far too fast. Saki harshly yanked him up. He would have winced if he could feel the grainy concrete floor grazing and tearing his skin, as he was dragged upto Splinter. His sapphire eyes were fearful, dreading what would happen. Splinter's begged him to be strong, but he was finding it hard, so, so, so hard.**

**He tried to force his body to struggle. He mentally screamed at his body to move but it would not respond no matter how much he cursed it. He watched as Saki raised his hand and slotted Quicksilver into his open palm. What the shell was going on? His heart hammered painfully as his fingers were closed tightly around the hilt, held in place by Shredder's own unclawed hand. Leo didn't understand, but by Splinter's furious face, he did.**

"**You coward! You dishonourable coward! Why don't you kill me yourself instead of using a pure innocent child?" The rat roared.**

**Leo suddenly understood what was happening. He struggled more than ever against the drug controlling his body but his efforts were fruitless. But Saki still raised his sword arm high, poised for the middle of the rat's chest. **

"**Be strong Leonardo, you are not to blame," Splinter declared clearly, defiantly. Leo's eyes glassed over with frightened tears.**

**Shredder plunged Leo's katana straight through the ninja master's torso, stabbing his heart. Splinter's eyes broadened in disbelief as the blade emerged from the centre of his back. His mouth fell open and red liquid dribbled down his chin.**

**Leo's heart stopped. The tears he couldn't he even try to fight split down his cheeks, streaming down onto his plastron. He watched the warm blood washed over his hand, dripping sickeningly onto the floor. What in Daimyo's name had he done?**

**He'd murdered his father. He'd slain someone loved. He was damned for life, dishonoured, all in a few seconds. All he had fought for in the last eighteen years was washed down the drain with the bloody rainwater. What were his brothers going to say?**

**Saki's laughs echoed in his ears. His stomach churned threateningly. But he would not throw up over his father's dead corpse. Saki waved a hand and the ninjas holding Master Splinter released him. His hands fell limply to his sides and his head lolled onto his chest, shattering the eye contact Leo had refused to break. He stayed upright, however, due to Saki still holding Leo's blade firmly. **

**The alien let the turtle's outstretched arm go, which fell, his unfeeling hand dropping the sword. It rattled to the floor with a noisy musical thump. Splinter fell forwards onto the ground, his eyes still wide and open. With another laugh, Shredder pushed him.**

**Leo landed on his Sensei's body, narrowly missing the sharp point jutting out. Unable to move, Leo was stuck. Still chuckling horrendously, Saki and his ninjas left him. He lay and wept into the rat's silky soft fur, and staining himself with the dark brick red blood pouring from the open wound. The rain pounded on the unmoving bodies, for hours.**

**-End Flashback-**

Raph listened in stupefied silence. Leo sobbed into his hands now his tale was finished. The tears mingled with the blood from his scratches. They stung but they were nowhere near as painful as the screaming in his heart. Raph finally found his voice.

"Why was that your fault?" He whispered. Leo blinked; Raph could be so dumb sometimes.

"If I'd have paid more attention to the fight, instead of that stupid song—"

"From what I gathered Leo, if you hadn't done what you did, you'd both be dead before Shredder could even get there," Raph reasoned gently. Leo whirled round to fix his brother with a tearful glare.

"Don't you get it Raphael? That's what I wish would have happened. And then I could have died with honour, honour Raph! Not lose it all by slaying my own father," He hung his head in shame, clenching his fists tight.

"It wasn't your fault! You said that he told you so! Y'always, _always_, listened to him before, so why is today any exception?" Raph asked irately. This was annoying now. Leo was being downright stupid. If Splinter's death was his fault then Raph was an African tree monkey, and he certainly wasn't one of those.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you, I knew you wouldn't understand," Leo mumbled.

"I can't understand why you're sayin' it's your fault! 'Cause it fuckin' ain't Leo! If you'd done it on purpose, joined the Foot, hated his guts, wanted revenge, whatever, then it would be your fault. But you didn't! There was nothing you could do, accept it!" Raph yelled, his own eyes burning now with caged tears.

"A life for a life Raphael," Leo rasped darkly. Raph had to strain his ears to hear him.

"What? No! Leo, for fuck's sake, no! You don't owe no one yo' life, except yo'self. Yo' owe yo'self yo' life!" He took a step forwards to his weeping brother.

"Don't be stupid Raph! How can I owe myself my life? You're just being ridiculous!" Leo snapped.

"Am I? I don't think so Leo," Raph cautiously took another step forwards.

"I'M A MURDERER!" Leo screamed, head up, throat hoarse. "How can you not hate me?" He wept. Raph had never felt more sorry for anyone that moment. He walked right upto him and gripped his shoulders tenderly.

"Leo, bruv, I could never hate you. Blood is thicker than water," He soothed. Leo let out a moan and fell forwards into his brother's shoulder, sobbing. And Raph held him.

"But I've failed. My only reason for my existence is to protect you and make you happy, and I killed Master Splinter, therefore I failed," Leo mumbled.

Raph frowned. Did Leo truly think that was his only life purpose? He didn't have any other excuse to walk on the face of this earth? He'd have to put that straight. But not right now. Leo was tired, in no fit state to distress any more (If that was possible) and he'd need Don and Mike's help. For now, he'd settle for getting Leo home safe and sound.

"Bro, d'ya know what'd make me happy right now?" He asked gently.

"What?" Leo sniffled, withdrawing and wiping his eyes with the back of his gloved hand. This Foot outfit was really grating on his nerves now.

"That we go home, Don looks at your wounds, ya've something to eat then sleep 'til next Tuesday," He suggested, laughing. Leo almost laughed half-heartedly.

"What are we going to tell Don and Mikey?" He wondered quietly.

"_I'll _tell them the truth, if you don't mind, whilst you get some rest," Raph replied. Leo's face fell.

"Raph, they'll hate me, you can't tell them, I couldn't bear it, I—" Leo was silenced as Raph held up his hand.

"Bruv, I don't hate you, they most certainly won't," He assured.

"But—"

"Leo, like I said before, blood is thicker than water, and we gots nothing to blame you for," Raph soothed. Leo sighed.

"I, I can't face them Raph, I, I feel so treacherous, as if I've betrayed them to the highest degree. And I won't be able to sleep Raph, not now the memories are so fresh," Leo murmured, shamefaced.

"Ok, we'll compromise. You can go straight to your room, I'll get you some sleeping pills and painkillers and you can just rest, how's that?" Raph asked, an amused smile playing on his lips.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" Leo sighed again.

"Nope," Raph chuckled.

Leo nodded grimly and started the trek home. Raph instantly followed, eyeing his shaking brother warily. Their walk was silent, Leo dreading mike and Donny turning in him and Raph wondering how on earth he'd tell the same two the truth. Leo began to trail behind the rebel as they edged closer home, just in case the scientist or the prankster were up and about.

"Need help getting to your room?" Raph wondered, concerned.

"No, I'll manage, thanks," Leo shook his head. Raph nodded and watched him walk as steadily as he could to his quarters.

Bracing himself, Raph pushed open the lab door. Don looked up, surprised, from wrapping one of Mike's wounds. Said turtle was awake, smiling wearily yet cheerily at the sight of his older brother at the door. However, Don and Mikey both frowned at Raph's expression.

"'Sup bros?" Raph asked, falsely optimistically.

"'M tired. Where's Leo? Wanna see 'im," Mike yawned, smiling at Raph's attempts at lightening up the room.

"He's in bed bruv, he's tired," Raph answered, journeying to the bed.

"Is he ok?" Mike frowned. Donny stayed quiet, working and listening hard. Raph hesitated.

"He's…he's exhausted bro, not having had much sleep and all, and he's got a few scrapes, nothin' to worry over," He reassured. Mike pouted.

"I know what went off Raph, Donny said so," He scowled. Raph smiled fondly.

"Well in that case, I need painkillers and sleeping pills. 'E don't wanna talk, ya can see to him when he's asleep, an' then I'll explain," He shrugged. Don nodded, oddly quiet, and fetched the needed items.

"Why d'ya think he did it Don?" Mike asked quietly once Raph had left to tend to their elder brother.

"Let's not worry about that now Mikey. You just get your sleep, Leo will be fine," Don smiled, fluffing his brother's pillow.

"But I wanna help Don!" Mike argued, yawning all the same.

"It's ok Mike, I'll fill you in later, ok?" Don comforted him. Mike pulled a face then grinned.

"'K. 'Night bruv," He chuckled.

"Goodnight Mikey," Donny beamed wearily.

He watched his brother snuggle up under his covers into the foetal position. The youngest turtle really was something. He never let anything get him down. He still grinned and laughed despite being on the brink of death mere hours ago. Don truly admired him.

And as for Leo? Donny anticipated the truth. He feared it. Raph's face when he first walked in said it all. It was bad. How could they sort this out? Leo was utterly depressed; depression was something Don had never treated before. And he'd willingly try for his brother's sake. But he dreaded the cause of it all, and he wondered if Leo would even accept his help.

To Be Continued

A.N: Ok, I admit, I miscalculated the amount of chapters this thing would have, but that's not a problem, is it? Hehe I hope not, and I hope you guys aren't getting bored with all this. Anywayz, hope you enjoyed, hope you had a great Christmas and you have a fantabulous New Year! Best wishes to you all, love you all muchly!


	14. Epilogue

A.N: Hey you guys. This chapter is a few days late because it's longer, and it's also the LAST chapter of What Colour Is My Life Today. Yes, it's over now, and I'm so proud lol. But anywayz, I hope you've all enjoyed the ride and take it real guys, thanks so much!

What Colour Is My Life Today?

Chapter Fourteen

Epilogue

Don hastily rubbed at his stinging eyes. They were streaming uncontrollably, and not due to the fact the smell of his antiseptic fluid was more than a little strong. To put it bluntly, it was severely annoying him. He had to keep sniffling and wiping them with the back of his blood stained hand, which only irritated them more.

But Donatello would not cry, not yet anyway. His brother's wound was not sufficiently stitched yet and he would not rest until it was, it was already giving the elder enough pain.

Leo shifted uncomfortably in his sleep, wincing as he unwittingly tugged the stitching Donny was in the middle of doing. Don frowned. Either the painkillers were slow in effect or they were having little or no effect at all. He called once for Raph and continued threading the gritty medical cotton through Leo's soft green flesh. He pulled one of the three gaping holes together as tightly, quickly and gently as possible so as not to cause his brother any more unnecessary pain. Leo grunted and bore it.

"'Sup Don?" Raph asked quietly, falling into the open door and hanging from the doorframe. His voice was weary, his face was drawn. But someone had to watch Mike for now.

"Can you get me some stronger painkillers? Perhaps an injection this time," Don requested, his voice as tired as his older brother's.

"Sure, no probs," Raph left without question. No one, not even Raphael and Leonardo questioned Donny at times like this.

Sighing Don knotted the thread, cut it and started to force the thick, sharp needle through the third and final wound. He cursed his trembling hands; he couldn't afford a mistake right now. If there was anything he hated more than stitching wounds, he hadn't found it yet, and he doubted he ever would.

He halted his sewing and accepted the syringe Raph offered him. The red clad turtle noiselessly winced as he watched the sharp point enter his brother's flesh. He involuntarily shivered as the liquid entered Leo's system. He'd always despised shots.

"How's he doing?" He wondered softly, passively, absentmindedly scratching at the spot Don had leeched some of his blood.

"He's ok, these aren't as serious as I first thought," Don murmured, returning to his stitching.

"It gets me how long he lasted with losing so much blood," Raph shrugged, hooking his thumbs into his belt.

"My guess is because he's been losing blood for so long, gradually more and more, his body has learnt to survive for a period of time without it, like weaning yourself off nicotine or something. And like nicotine, there comes a time when you're desperate for it, in Leo's case he was desperate for rest, and like a determined giver-upper, he refused to give it himself. Does that make sense?" Don explained, laying the bloody needle aside and inspecting his work.

"I think so. So he's kinda become immune to blood loss?" Raph frowned, thoughtfully.

"If that makes it easier to understand Raph, then yes, he had a little. Which is all very well but when your body finally catches up with you, you have to catch up yourself. Which is why he's just crashed right about now," Don indicated Leo, who was totally dead to the world, thankfully dreamless. Raph watched the IV linked up to his brother, but wasn't really looking at it. Don began gathering up his leftover bandages and other medical junk.

"How long will he be out for?"

Don heard Raph's question and lowered his hazel eyes to assess the fallen elder. His wounds definitely weren't as bad as Donny first predicted. He'd just seen all the blood and had a right to prejudge. But most of the cuts weren't meant to hurt, so they just needed cleaning and wrapping up. The hurts Shredder inflicted were much more dangerous, not fatal, at least not now Donny had sorted them before too much blood had been lost. Only the one on his side needed stitching but the scratches on his face needed disinfecting and covering. He was stunned at how close Leo was to losing an eye.

He was also in a very, very deep sleep, deeper than he'd been in for a long while. He was seriously sleep deprived, and so his body had totally crashed, far beyond dreams, breathing a tad laboured but unmistakeably fast on.

"I'd say around two or three days, depends how bad his sleep debt is," Don shrugged. Raph nodded.

Silently the two trailed out, Don's arms full of bandages, antiseptic fluid, medical cotton, needles and boxes of painkillers. He went to put them back in their rightful places, veering for his lab from the living room, but Raph seized his shoulder.

"I need to put this stuff back Raph," Don mumbled, slightly scared of Raph's solemn face.

"They can wait, testiclees," He shot back. Don raised an eye ridge, questioningly.

"Testiclees? You are such an ignoramus," He sighed exasperatedly.

"Nah, I'm biggus dickus, me," Raph shrugged smugly.

"You-us wishus. What do you want?" Don asked, juggling his junk.

"I need to tell you what's going on," And Raph told Don the whole story. "…And he thinks it's all his fault. He wishes the Shredder had killed him that night," He finished with a sigh.

Don licked his dry lips. His brain was in overdrive, trying to understand Raph's sombre story. Then as if thunder struck him he understood what was going on. His throat grew uncomfortably tight. His chest constricted. Tears stung his eyes. He was instantly furious.

"He is so dense sometimes!" He thundered, tossing his stuff carelessly on the couch. Raph blinked in surprise, he'd only seen the peaceful genius once like this before…

"He always has to be so bloody selfless, it sincerely infuriates me! Why can't he be normal and think of himself for once?" Don yelled, throwing his arms up in the air in irritation and stalking the room like an angry animal.

"Don-" Still a little stunned, Raph held a hand out to pacify him but Don ignored it and carried on ranting.

"No, Leo has to be some goddamned hero all the time and never put himself first!" Tears were pouring down his cheeks now but he made no effort to hide them. "There's a fully explicable excuse for the truth, yet the idiot is adamant he's a murderer, despite being drugged! Any fucking sane person would be eager for proof of innocence!" Don screamed. Raph stared, had he just swore.

"Donny!" He said, more sternly this time. Again Don acted as if he couldn't hear him.

"The guy needs some sense knocking into him, and I'm sure Master Splinter would agree with me!" He continued furiously. Raph marched forwards determinedly, stretching out an arm.

"Donny-" As soon as his hand touched Don's shoulder, he whipped around to glare at Raph, sore hazel eyes oozing tears.

"HE'S NOT A MURDERER!" He stormed distraughtly.

"I know, I know Don, I know he isn't," Raph soothed. He took Don into his arms and let him sob. He hadn't acted like this since he saw Splinter's dead body laid on the couch.

"We gotta take those swords off him man," Mike managed to rasp out, his wounds particularly painful that morning, the day after Raph told Don about Leo. "Shell, we gotta hide all the practice swords and lock the cutlery drawers and-"

"Be quiet Mike, your blood pressure's high enough," Don scolded lightly, dunking the soiled bandages in the sink.

"We can't do that Mike. No, he'll think we don't trust him," Raph shook his head. He was stood at the bottom of Mike's bed, arms crossed, expression sympathetic.

"I don't!" Mike pouted indignantly. Don rolled his eyes and mercilessly stuck a syringe full of painkillers into Mike's arm, ignorant to his protecting cries.

"He's not going to kill himself, if that's what you're worried about. And you can't stop a self harmer just like that Mike, ya gotta start slow, like y'always do," Raph explained quietly. Mike grumped and slumped back into his pillows.

"What we have to do first Mikey, is convince Leo that he didn't kill Master Splinter," Don said softly, resting a hand on his body brother's shoulder.

"_I _don't think he's a murderer," Mike whispered.

"Neither do we Mikey, but you know what Leo's like," Don sighed. Mike's emerald eyes brimmed with tears.

"I miss the _old _Leo! I miss the Leo who used to argue with Raph over who won Tekken 4. I miss the old Leo who played GTA: San Andreas with me. I miss the old Leo who took care of us when we were sick. I miss the old Leo who I had to beat with a spatula to keep him from trying to make dinner. I miss him so much!" He began to weep in his hands.

"I know Mike, so do we," Raph muttered gravely.

The slim figure hunched over the body. Neither was moving, yet one was alive. She ran delicate fingers over her father's flawless face, both were stone cold. She fingered his smooth lips and down his jaw line to play with his dark hair. She knew it was all fake, but this was his most familiar state to her.

She hadn't moved in days, she'd lost track of time. All she could remember was walking into her master's throne room and finding him on the floor in a purple pool of blood with the handsome new initiate's head and separate corpse not too far away. No one knew she was in there. No one knew he was dead. No one entered his presence without his permission.

She withdrew her fingers from his chilly corpse and rested them in her lap. Her green eyes were dry and her blood red lips weren't in a grievous frown. Her pale face was not tearstained and her thin body was not wracked with sobs.

He hadn't been the perfect father to her, but ever since she first met him she knew he wouldn't be. Yet she didn't care. Anything was better than nothing.

And although he would strike her if she did not do as he pleased, that was her own fault for disobeying in the first place. But he had taught her things some fathers never could. She was just as good as him in the ninja department, if not better, and he had shown her to take advantage of every opportunity and he who dares wins. Honour doesn't come into the matter.

She had started to lose faith in that last little rule but now she knew for definite it was true. Had her father's killer, in whom she had placed so much trust, displayed honour? No, he hadn't. Honour didn't mean killing somebody. He was a murderer, despite what he had declared.

She had trusted him; hell she had even _loved_ him. Although he didn't return her love, surely he respected her? No, he couldn't, if this was how he repaid her trust. She had thought he was a decent being, selfless, honourable, merciful. For once she had been wrong. She would not make the same mistake again.

She leant forwards and gently kissed her father's forehead, leaving a blood red smear on his pale skin. She finally got to her feet, her stiff joints creaking. Her dress fell to its normal length at her ankles. It was creased and stained in purple blood and not as pretty as it once was. Her hair had fallen from its elegant style and hung in limp, dry curls around her face. She flexed her fingers and turned her head to gaze out of the window.

The sun was just setting behind the apartment blocks in front of the Shredder building. The sky was a brilliant gold streaked with flames of red and pink. But to her, it was streaked with blood.

"For my father's death, Hamato Leonardo, you will pay," Karai, daughter of Shredder, declared sinisterly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Raph slid a finger up the flat edge of Halle's longest prong. He couldn't imagine running the spiky point into his skin for any other reason than to check the sharpness after preparing them for battle. He thought he couldn't see any reason for Leo to do it.

Sighing, he took out Liv and flung them both carelessly onto Leo's bedside crate. He nearly tipped over a half full glass of water sitting there but he didn't care. He massaged his temples and sat back in his chair. He watched Leo sleep restlessly. Everywhere he lay something twinged. It was too early for him to have another dose of painkillers.

He'd been asleep for three days now. Donny wasn't worrying too much, his wounds were healing fine, he just needed to catch up on his rest. Mike was even up and about now, moving a little to give his body some exercise. One taste of lasagne even sent him reeling to the kitchen for some 'proper food'.

Raph pondered when his watch was up. He was tired. He had night watch, and Mike and Don shared the day, eight hours each. He'd started having those nightmares again. Raph was almost grateful he hadn't been at the scene of the crime. If it had turned _Leo _into this, he wondered what the shell he, Raph, would've looked like if he was the witness instead.

Not for the first time that day, Raph wondered whether Mike had been wasting his time. All he did during his watch was talk to Leo, read him comics, tell him about games he'd played or films and programmes he'd seen, just anything. Could Leo actually hear him? He had reacted slightly to some of the things said. For example, he smiled and slept peacefully for a while when he was told about Raph and Donny squabbling over the Discovery channel and Playboy TV. Would it work for Raphael? Did he even dare try?

"I dunno bruv, I'd feel stupid sat here for hours talking to someone asleep," Raph shrugged.

He caught sight of a small c.d player hidden under old human clothes peeking from under the bed. Surprised, Raph knelt to examine further, he'd never seen it before and had never heard Leo play anything on it either. Pulling it out, his mystery was solved, earphones were plugged into it. Raph was curious as to what Leo would listen to besides the obvious traditional Japanese.

Realising there was no c.d in the thing, he ventured under the bed again, and pulled out a simple blue carry case. Unzipping it, he began flicking through the disks as of yet unsurprised. It was just the Japanese, about five or six c.ds of it. Then he got to the interesting stuff and almost dropped it in shock.

They were all singles, not albums, so he either only liked that particular song or couldn't get a hold on any albums. But there was an odd collection. Britney Spears' Everytime. The Offspring's Have You Ever. Evanescence's Bring Me To Life. Chad Kroeger's Hero. Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. Michael Jackson's Main In The Mirror. The Calling's Your Hope and countless more. Flipping to the back, a piece of paper slipped out from where a Goo Goo Dolls mix was stored.

He set the case down and picked up the paper. It was old, yellow and wrinkled. He smoothed it out and read, fingers trembling as he did so.

_What colour is my life today?_

_Grey like the hammering rain,_

_Grey like the gloomy sky,_

_Grey like the cutting blade._

_As grey as my shattered glass walls._

_What colour is my life today?_

_Black like the looming darkness,_

_Black like the death that awaits me,_

_Black like the unseeing eyes._

_As black as my broken heart._

_What colour is my life today?_

_Red like the water from my eyes,_

_Red like the streams from my wrists,_

_Red like the rivers from my fingers._

_As red as the blood on my knife._

He bit his lip and set the paper down, astounded. He never realised his brother was into poetry, especially not _this _kind of poetry. And it was pretty well written, to Raph at least. He'd never read anything like it, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to again.

"You're full of surprises, aren't ya bruv?" He breathed, still in awe.

He slid the paper back, zipped up the case and put it and the c.d player back where it belonged. Wondering if there were any more poems holed away somewhere, he returned to his seat.

Sighing and leaning forwards, he rested his head on his hands and his elbows on his knees. A lot of the bandages had come off now, and his brother didn't look so helpless. The three holes in his side along with the scratches had become infected, Shredder had to have kept something nasty on those claws of his. But then again, sewers weren't the cleanest of places to heal.

Raph shook his head and took to his feet. He stretched, easing away the stiffness. Geez he was tired. He could sleep until Christmas. He wondered how sore and stiff Leo would be. He yawned widely and bent to adjust the gauze covering his bad cheek, which had been pulled down in Leo's restlessness.

His tense, pained face softened a great deal when he felt Raph's warm fingers gently touch his skin. Stunned a little, Raph tenderly stroked the flesh that wasn't torn. Leo even smiled a little. Raph smiled back, encouraged, and began to caress his forehead.

Leo let out a little moan. The noise escaping his lips was like an angel singing to Raphael's ears. His brother was finally waking! Raph continued what he was doing, and gradually, Leonardo managed to drag himself out of his slumber.

He groaned groggily, blinking and trying to make sense of the situation. His sapphire eyes eventually grew accustomed to the lightly and Raph withdrew his hand. Leo looked up at him and made to move but let out a hiss in pain as his wounds twinged.

"Whoa there Leo! Ya do that every time," Raph reprimanded evenly, returning to his seat when Leo stopped attempting to move. "Try getting up and hurting yourself," He explained in answer to his brother's questioning look. Leo nodded then stopped in a result of making his head hurt.

"How long have I been out?" He managed to croak.

"Three days," Raph replied almost cautiously. He knew that wouldn't go down well. So he was shocked when Leo merely looked around and glared darkly at the IV hooked into his arm.

"Where are Don and Mike?" He wondered, trying to hide his urgency. Raph caught it however.

"They're both asleep, I think. At least, they better be," He shrugged.

"How are they?" Leo probed further, leaning forwards and clutching his bedcovers.

"They're good, Don's a bit tired and Mike's obviously still in a bit of pain but they're fine," Raph replied comfortingly.

"Do…do they know?" Leo questioned quietly, hesitantly.

"Yes," Was all Raph mumbled.

"And…?" Leo's face fell, frightened of his answer.

"And they know you're not a murderer Leo, you never was," Raph said serenely.

"I am Raphael, there's no denying that," Leo sighed, looking at his hands shyly.

"Bullshit Leo! Shell Donny screamed it at the top of his lungs. And Mike, during his watches over you, he never shuts up about it. Every two sentences he's like 'You're not a murderer Leo, you may think so but I don't, and Donny and Raph agree, Shredder's just a dickhead,'" Raph declared calmly.

"Was 'dickhead' really Mike's word?" Leo gave a quiet chuckle.

"Not exactly," Raph smirked. Leo shook his head fondly; glad some things just never change.

"I dunno Raph," He arched his shoulder blades, throwing out his plastron, then settled back down. "I have a lot of what ifs for that night," He admitted.

"Well they didn't happen, and I have a feelin' Splinter would've died anyway, whether you did all you could or not. Shredder just wanted to fuck with your head and mess you up so you wouldn't be at your best when he fought you. Only that backfired," Raph offered a wide, wolfish grin. Leo gave a weak, modest smile.

"It's kinda hard to get rid of the images of your own hand, holding a blade lodged into your father's chest," He breathed sadly, looking at his wrists.

"But ya havta remember the images before that, of Shredder druggin' you and controllin' you," Raph added. Leo shook his head.

"It's not that easy," He began unwrapping the bandages in place of his usual supports on his left wrist.

"I didn't say it was," Raph said softly.

Leo said nothing, only started undressing his right wrist. They didn't need covering but he supposed it was better than looking at the horrific slashes. Well, to the others they must be horrific but to him they were almost beautiful. He couldn't think about stopping cutting, they were his release. But he'd promised Mikey. Yet had he even heard that promise? He almost hoped not. He ran his fingers over them, following the gauge marks.

"I thought you said you always like a challenge?" Raph asked placidly. When Leo looked up sharply, Raph was grinning again. Leo offered him a small smile back, his eyes twinkling.

Two days later, Leo was sat on the couch for the first time since he woke up. It was the first time Don had even let him out of bed. He was openly listening to an old but in good condition MP3 player Mike gave him, and also openly writing a poem and doodling on the margins when he got stuck. There was no need to hide them anymore.

His wrists stung but as always he didn't mind. He knew it would be a long time before that habit was crushed, and he half didn't want it to be. But he'd promised Mikey, and he always kept his promises.

He'd made Donny's day when he asked for food yesterday, and was starting to eat now, little by little. It felt like he'd stuffed himself full after half a bowl of soup, but his brothers were relieved to find him at mealtimes again. They didn't care what he ate, as long as he ate something and kept up his strength without resorting to other means.

Sleep came easy to him now he often exhausted himself just walking. Don hoped if he could get into a regular pattern, he would be able to sleep as normal once he was healthy. He still had nightmares sometimes, but most of the time, he was far too tired to dream. Hopefully they would lessen with time and patience.

Don, Mike and Raph would take it in turns to calm him after these night scares, they often made him want into the dojo (Which he had been forcefully temporarily banned from) and train until he just crashed and disconnected himself from it all or into the kitchen and the cutlery drawer to 'punish' himself.

His brothers knew he still self harmed and treated it with reluctant endurance. As Don clarified whenever Leo took unexplained trips to the bathroom, it would take time to wean the elder off his dependence on a knife to sort out his troubles for a while.

Leonardo had been told instead of heading towards the bathroom or his bedroom to cut himself whenever he was distressed, to go to one of his brothers and talk it out. He often had to be reassured they would think nothing less of him. So far, he was finding it difficult, and alternating between cutting and talking. One step at a time.

But inside, he still knew he was a murderer, despite what his brothers thought. It wasn't as easy as they thought it would be to change his mind. And yet Leo had come a very long way in such a short period of time.

But again, very deep down inside himself, Hamato Leonardo knew it could, and probably would, only be a matter of time before he fell and spiralled into the destructing darkness once more.

The End

A.N: OMG I think I'm gonna cry lol, I'm so proud of this damned thing. Thank you all so, so, so much for reviewing and making me happy these couple of months, as a lot of you have probably guessed they haven't been particularly happy ones for me. Anywayz, take it steady guys, thanks once again and I LOVES YOU ALL MUCHLY ESPECIALLY YOU MONICA!


End file.
